"I just can't win"

My wife had been taken to ICU after having a severe heart attack on the ward. I went there and stood by the bed and was present as she woke up for the first time. Looking at me and realising where she was she started crying from the depths. Almost like a little kid. Through the tears and sobs she said aloud "I just can't win". 

It was heart rending to see her like this, after so many years of illness and suffering, only to end up in ICU again after nearly dying. The tears came from her soul, such misery. Such anguish. The sadness all engulfing.

So too can this be with mental health. I can try and try, get treated and work through things. Years of therapy and pills. Progress made and encouragement. Signs of resilience. Confidence. Only to find one day out of the blue I fall flat on my face. At such times I feel the same way about my mental health as my wife did after her heart attack. "I just can't win".

Discouragement. Disappointment. Feeling like just one big fuck up. Tears of pain at events. The horror of mental illness returning. Cries from the very soul. Worthless. 

Such is the nature of mental illness.