Day 12, HIV meds

Was feeling pretty bad this morning. Starting to get a bit discouraged, but I suppose it's just a matter of waiting for my body to get over it. It's not fun though when half an hour after the morning pills I'm sitting on the toilet and dry retching. Had the Maxalon but stomach didn't really settle down until I got home (was at David's) and had some Eno.

Have taken to spending some time back in bed after taking them. Don't seem to feel as bad lying down. Am sitting here right now in fact with the PC in bed. I dunno how the fuck people can work and deal with this as well.

Boxing Day sales in the city

Had to go shopping in the city yesterday for Simon's computer. Fuck, I dunno why the city was the only place open, as there was a bazillion people there. We went to JB Hi Fi and they had some very good specials there. Saw one ideal for an entry level PC for Simon and had to wait so bloody long to get served. It was a good deal though, a larger PC with a DVD drive built in and a normal sized keyboard, along with a wireless mouse to plug into it, for $390. Should be well suited for his needs. He can get connected out there through his phone company that he has an plan with for his mobile phone.

So we got that and then he wanted to look at TV shows on DVD. I was starting to get really over it all but we looked at the DVD shows. I ended up getting season 6 of Star Trek Next Generation for $25. After that I was well and truly over it, but then he wanted to go to another store to look for jeans. I suggested I just leave him to it and I make my escape, but he didn't want me to. 

So we're wandering around this store not finding anything with people everywhere, when Simon gets pushed into quite heavily by a monstrous pram the size of a small car. He tells the guy to watch where he's going, who then takes exception to it and tells Simon to get out of the way "old man". At this point David had rung and I was chatting to him on my phone and wasn't watching when the guy actually pushed Simon, but the attitude itself of the guy was enough for me to respond.

I called him a fuckwit.

He leaves the pram, comes over to me close up, and looks like he's about to throw a punch (yes darlings, he was a major fuckwit this one). This was in the middle of a bloody shop FFS. I boom out to him "Don't do it". He looks surprised at the intensity of my voice, and I think maybe the look in my eyes that says I'm a bit nuts and not firing on all cylinders. He backs right off and starts accusing us of the dreaded "poofter" thing and to "go back to Oxford St" (actually the shop itself wasn't that far from Oxford st) as he goes back to his pram and walks off. I call out "What are you in the closet?" His wife turns and looks at me, and I see she's wearing a head scarf and they're Muslims. Well, I thought, what another fine representation of religious intolerance.

Meanwhile all this David hears on the phone. I explain to him what just happened, and make a comment about my booming voice "Don't do it". I say to David, "That was very manly wasn't it darling, did you like that?", ha ha ha.....

So that was our shopping excursion into the legendary boxing day sales in the city. Dare say I won't be doing that one ever again. But Simon got his PC at a good price which was what he wanted. After that we actually did go back to Oxford St, and had a beer or two at The Oxford Hotel, calming down and laughing about the earlier incident.

Christmas with David

Went to David's after his work yesterday. Got on the bus and after only a few stops realised I'd forgotten the beer at home so had to get off, go home on another bus to get it, and start the trip all over again. Fuck, will forget my own head one day. It sucks on Christmas day as you can't get beer anywhere. Thank you all those Christians here who invented the crazy no alcohol buying on the day. It was particularly annoying yesterday.

Actually, wouldn't have wanted to go to the pub anyway I don't think. It pissed down with rain all day in Sydney, and cold. I've never seen such a cold December day in Sydney, was like winter (well for here). Wettest Christmas day in 70 years.

Got to David's and shortly later went to his friends round the corner for a bit, then back home to his. He's not into Christmas at all either. Works through the whole holiday and earns himself lots of money. He did make an effort to make the evening pleasant for me though as I'd said that for myself it's a day of enduring bad memories. He's working again today so it wasn't a late night, but he did accomplish making the time very pleasant :)  We had an early night.......

Today is the start of the post Christmas sales, where all the retailers try to flog off all the shit they bought to try and sell for Christmas shoppers. Simon has roped me into holding his hand whilst he buys a PC. Looked online and he should be able to get something pretty good for about $300-400. He only wants it for email and nothing spectacular. Ugh, not looking forward to the bloody shopping centre though. I absolutely hate shopping.

Mardi gras painting

Finally found out WTF is the story with this building at Taylor Square. It's been painted like that for this years Mardi Gras. I don't think there's actually anyone leasing it at the moment. 

 
They're also planning to paint the Taylor Square pedestrian crossing the colours of the gay flag, as depicted here (the building is in the background):

The City of Sydney plans to spend $75,000 painting the Gay Pride colours across two busy Oxford Street intersections to recognise the precinct's cultural status. 

Under the plan, endorsed unanimously by the City of Sydney council on Monday night, rainbows will span signal-controlled pedestrian crossings at Taylor Square and Whitlam Square, in time for the 35th Mardi Gras in February. The move, proposed by the lord mayor, Clover Moore, is modelled on a similar initiative in West Hollywood this year. 

The crossings will be installed on a trial basis, which, if successful, could become a "permanent, visual acknowledgement of the significance of Oxford Street to the [gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender] community", Cr Moore said in a minute. Read more

Betty Bowers rings Westboro Baptist Church

Christmas day, HIV meds day 10

The dreaded day has arrived again; Christmas. Actually it's crept up on me this year. In the past I've gone through a rather depressive state in the lead up to it but that didn't happen this year, probably because it hasn't been on my mind after meeting David recently. This year all of a sudden it's Christmas day.

Still feels a bit like a funeral though. For me it's a day of reflection and having to face the horrible memories that it inevitably brings back. All I want right now is for the day to be over, but it's not.

Daughter is going to her friends place for the afternoon, they're having some barbecue or something. She invited me to go but am not into it, happier just staying home on my own for a bit. David is working today earning mega-bucks on a public holiday (double time and a half) but he wanted me to go round to his place after his work. Yes I think I'll be into that one! 

Can't go to the pub as it's not open today; apparently drinking today is un-Christian. So I bought a 6 pack yesterday to take round to David's. After all, I'm assuming all these Christians who want the pubs shut on Christmas day will themselves be getting sloshed around the Christmas table. Likely leading into some big drunken family argument.

Last couple of days the nausea has been a bit less from the HIV pills. Still feeling queasy and still taking the Maxalon though. Also decided to have the Eno in the morning just after taking the pills to settle my stomach. Today I've actually been able to have an early cup of coffee in the morning. Although it seems to accelerate something and makes me feel a bit vacant again. I dunno. At least I'm not dry retching left right and centre like a few days ago. 

Have developed a bit of an aversion to taking these pills now. This morning I was dreading it, had to force myself. Hope that feeling passes when I get more used to them. It's very predictable. About 15 minutes after taking them I start feeling crap. I think it must be the orange one doing it as the blue ones I take one of them at night as well as in the morning, but don't feel at all like I do in the mornings when taking the orange one as well.

So anyway still no back pain from kidney's packing up, and evidently my heart continues to beat. Mind you is only a week and a half. But again, am still dealing with the nervousness attached to taking these ones after the disaster of my first two goes.

Getting help for depression

I wonder if the British tabloids, in their frenzy to Aussie-bash, will shout this from the rafters. Turns out the nurse (who was the one who took the prank call from the Sydney radio station) who killed herself had a history of depression and had twice before attempted suicide.

On the same day, India's Deccan Herald newspaper reported that Ms Saldanha had been hospitalised after twice trying to commit suicide within the space of nine days, during a family holiday in India last December and January. 

The first time she was taken to a private hospital in Mangalore after an overdose of pills. The second time she was taken to Father Muller Medical College Hospital in the same city with head injuries after apparently jumping from a building. 

Deccan Herald said Ms Saldanha was diagnosed as suffering a ''depressive disorder''. She received psychiatric treatment in hospital and was prescribed anti-depressants. Read more

Of course due process is to be followed and the radio station may yet face charges over it, as the article suggests, but to apportion blame completely at the feet of the two DJ's is absurd.

If she had such a history of depression and such a desire to die, the question for me is why didn't she get the help she needed from mental health services in England?   I mean she even worked in a hospital FFS. I dunno what sort of services as such exist in England, but one of the biggest things with suicide prevention is to admit the problem and seek help, it's in all the literature about suicide. If she didn't seek help, why not? Did she feel ashamed of feeling depressed and scared to admit to an outside party her problem? Are there education campaigns in England addressing this issue of shame?

I've a friend who rang me recently asking advice about Centrelink and about being depressed. He had an appt with Centrelink in which his depression was going to be discussed. He actually thought there was a danger they'd take him away from his family if he admitted his depression. Wow, where the fuck do people get these out there ideas? I assured him that they would recommend counselling and perhaps medication, and looking at other ways to address his depression, and that of course they'd not take him from his family! Told him they're there to help, not punish.

This is a very useful resource here in Australia; the Black Dog Institute. Here is their depression education program that you can look through online, and here specifically is the Getting Help section of that program. We had people from the Black Dog Institute speak to us at the Resilience workshop at BGF.

Cat pic

Daughter took this in her room. This is how the cat was sleeping :s

HIV meds - day 8

Has been a week now. Still feeling sick after taking the two pills in the morning but not at all like I was the other day. Man that was so fuckin bad, freaked me out. Still not pleasant though. I do hope it's going to get better from here and I don't have another episode like that. 

The actual nausea of it is probably a bit more than just mere nausea. Yes it's the feeling sick and all, but it's almost uncontrollable occasions of dry retching, trying to keep the pills down, maybe a bit of water that I had with the pills comes up. It's been a real effort in those times to keep the bloody things down.

When it's bad like that there's some kind of dizziness associated with it as well. Sitting up and my head spins and have to lie back down. 

It gets better through the morning though, and by lunch I've been feeling reasonably OK. 

This is much harder going on these pills than it was the Truvada and Virimune. Unless I've forgotten, but I think I'd remember if I went through this shit back then, even if it was 2 years ago.

Children of Pakistan - death by drones

After the latest US massacre (well not quite the latest anymore but one that killed 20 children) the world has rightly shared in the grief being experienced by that community. We've seem Obama reduced to tears, so moved with emotion over the tragedy. An outpouring of grief and despair across the US and the planet has followed the deaths. It's the sort of thing that you'd expect to happen after the death of 20 children at the hands of a lunatic with an weapon of war. How could it possibly not affect people? How could they not grieve for those children and their families? Anything less would surely be an obscenity in the face of such carnage? 

Imagine if they had died and nobody cared except the community where they lived? Imagine if the shooting didn't even make the news? Or that we never saw their faces in the media showing us the innocent victims they were? 

Well, it's happening now. And it's US drones doing the killing. 

“Mere words cannot match the depths of your sorrow, nor can they heal your wounded hearts … These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change.”(1) Every parent can connect with what Barack Obama said about the murder of 20 children in Newtown, Connecticut. There can scarcely be a person on earth with access to the media who is untouched by the grief of the people of that town.

It must follow that what applies to the children murdered there by a deranged young man also applies to the children murdered in Pakistan by a sombre American president. These children are just as important, just as real, just as deserving of the world’s concern. Yet there are no presidential speeches or presidential tears for them; no pictures on the front pages of the world’s newspapers; no interviews with grieving relatives; no minute analysis of what happened and why.

If the victims of Mr Obama’s drone strikes are mentioned by the state at all, they are discussed in terms which suggest that they are less than human. The people who operate the drones, Rolling Stone magazine reports, describe their casualties as “bug splats”, “since viewing the body through a grainy-green video image gives the sense of an insect being crushed.”(2) Or they are reduced to vegetation: justifying the drone war, Obama’s counterterrorism adviser Bruce Riedel explained that “you’ve got to mow the lawn all the time. The minute you stop mowing, the grass is going to grow back.”(3)

Like Bush’s government in Iraq, Barack Obama’s administration neither documents nor acknowledges the civilian casualties of the CIA’s drone strikes in north-west Pakistan. But a report by the law schools at Stanford and New York universities suggests that during the first three years of his time in office, the 259 strikes for which he is ultimately responsible killed between 297 and 569 civilians, of whom 64 were children(4). These are figures extracted from credible reports: there may be more which have not been fully documented. 

The wider effects on the children of the region have been devastating. Many have been withdrawn from school because of fears that large gatherings of any kind are being targeted. There have been several strikes on schools since George W Bush launched the drone programme that Obama has expanded so enthusiastically: one of Bush’s blunders killed 69 children(5). more 

Why do we not grieve for these deaths as we grieve for American deaths?

Will Abbott be our next PM?

The thought of Abbott becoming our next Prime Minister is like Frankenstein running the country. He's a hangover from the Howard era, but IMO way worse than Howard. At least Howard had some sort of idea about separation of church and state. Abbott is well known to be the one who tried to stop the abortion drug RU486 when he was health minister in the Howard gov, and it's common knowledge that he often meets with that dreadful Pell (Australia's Catholic captain) who's in the middle of trying to limit the damage of the Royal Commission into child sexual abuse for the Catholic church here. 

But this is all just scratching the surface. Anyone who's seen him lying and squirming in front of the media when being caught out fair and square in a lie, will know that he appears to be in his public life a squirming, lying, two faced prick. 

Yet for the last 12 months people have been saying over and over (including the Canberra commentariat) that it's all over for Gillard and virtually announcing Abbott as our next PM. This was happening well over a year out from the next election FFS. I however held the view that yes he may well be the next PM, but it was just to early yet and I'd not write off Gillard just yet......  And of course we all now know the story of the Labor comeback in polling since Abbott's carbon tax doomsday scenario didn't work out.

So here we are at the end of the year, knowing that 2013 is election year, and that Abbott and Gillard are now much closer. Contrary to 2012 popular opinion, we now have a real competition between the parties and those who predicted an Abbott win as a surety only months ago now must contemplate the reality of a possible Abbott defeat.

Personally I have no idea who's going to win, but it's still certainly too early to write off Gillard.

I've forgotten how many times someone has told me in 2012 that Abbott will be PM this time next year. Such political soothsaying is as reliable as the Mayan calendar. Anyone who calls it now is a mug. Read more 

 

US stars demand gun control

The NRA wants to have armed guards in schools, what a stupid brain-fucked moronic idea. 

This is what other people want:

Simon and David meet

Simon is in Sydney for a few days on his way to a wedding, and he wanted to meet David. So all three of us went and had a few beers at the pub and chatted for some time. I'm glad to say it all went very well. I'd said to David they'd probably like each other. Simon has been around the world three times and had a lot of different experiences to talk about. What followed though was somewhat of a surprise.

David suggested a threesome. All fine with me but it had been going so well that I didn't want to introduce something into the mix with an unpredictable outcome. So I was a bit reserved about it all, and Simon was a bit doubtful as well, probably for the same reasons. In the end he thought it'd be OK to just watch.

So we went back to David's place nearby. I'm glad to say it all went very well, again. Simon watched and both David and I played around with him, and David fucked me in front of Simon; he's always liked seeing me get fucked.

It was only a one time thing. David said later it was like he was giving Simon and I both a way to say goodbye to the sex with each other. I think Simon appreciated it most as he explained earlier how surprised he'd been about his feelings for me when David came along. I thought it was a very sweet gesture on David's part. I heard the two of them talking soon after, Simon saying for him to look after me and things of that nature.

Simon's talking about maybe selling his place in Lightning Ridge and moving closer to Brisbane where his son lives. I said I thought that was a pretty good idea. The maintenance on the place in Lightning Ridge is enormous, being self sufficient with everything. And he really does need to be closer to civilisation. Living out there is a huge impediment.

HIV meds, day 6, am not well

Had a very bad episode this morning with the meds. These pills are way different than the Truvada and Virimune, I don't remember being affected like I am this time.

So anyway I took the two pills this morning and about half an hour later I was feeling really bad. Started breathing faster as it felt like I was finding it hard to get enough oxygen. I also couldn't find the Maxalon pill at first (was at David's) and started dry retching badly, but luckily I kept the pills down. Went and sat with David downstairs for a bit and eventually had to go back up to bed. Was breathing heavily and my hands were feeling a bit like the start of pins and needles in them. Started to freak a bit, which probably made my breathing even worse. 

It was certainly worrying though. I was starting to wonder if I was going to have to go to Emergency or some shit it was that bad. Was also feeling very dizzy and rather out of it. Hung on though and eventually things subsided and presently I'm not too bad again. Bloody scary though, especially with my history of HIV medications. 

David was very concerned, the not being able to breath properly thing wasn't a good sign. Anyway I'm hoping that this will settle down over the next few days, otherwise I may go to the doc earlier to see what he says. I think it's probably just how powerful the pills are though and not really anything to worry about, I hope.......

Delta Goodrem - Lost Without You