Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Another blood test

Went after work to get blood taken for it. Have appt in 2 weeks for the result. I see no reason why the viral load would not remain at undetectable.

Had only two beers afterwards then came home, didn't go to the local pub. Don't feel like socialising.

Monday, 29 November 2010

"Love and Peace"

A good day

Today was OK. I didn't have any dramatics, no reliving of the past, no anxiety. I am feeling very flat, but not badly depressed. For me at this time of year, I'd have to say this was a very good day.


Went to work and lifted the average 3 tonnes I guess through the day of paper. Not bad at all for someone HIV+ and pushing 50 years old. 


Life goes on....


I only had 4 beers today after work....


Sunday, 28 November 2010

First safety net prescriptions

I went yesterday armed with 3 prescriptions due (not HIV but blood pressure, happy pills, and some anti-inflammatory's for good measure for my work pains). I can get them again before end of Dec too as it only has to be 20 days between getting them filled. 

Before I qualified for the safety net the price would have been about $80 (even though that is still subsidised through the PBS). Yesterday they were only $5.40 each, being a grand total of $16.20 for the three.  

Will also be able to get next months HIV prescription too at only $10.80.


For some reason I've been very much a loner all my life. Have not ever wanted to rely on anyone for anything. Today I find myself being isolated more and more, as my fucked up head moves through a difficult time of year. There is so much going on up there, it would be selfish of me to expect people to even begin to understand what I'm going through or where I am. It's hard enough to understand it myself. My mental condition alienates me from society.

In many ways with the increasing isolation I just don't care. It's never bothered me much at all before. I naturally just don't want people around when I'm like this. Am certainly not the best company anyway. It's like being paralyzed. 

But this time I am feeling the lack of friendships, and the way my dysfunction gets in the way of socialization. I will get through this, I have before. I have support seeing a very good psychologist and doctors, who actually do understand. But I can't help feeling presently very alone.

I rang Simon this morning just to say hello. We usually speak in an evening phone call, but I just wanted to hear his voice this morning. As close as we are, not even he understands what I'm going through, but he's very supportive even so. We spoke for about 15mins, discussing this and that. We talk easily with each other with no awkwardness. 

Saturday, 27 November 2010


Just about given up trying to keep friends. Seems that ability died last year with my head collapse. I have no patience anymore; will not put up with any sort of bad treatment or any excuse for it. First sign of it and I cut the rope. Dunno what thats all about. If it works it works, if it doesn't work naturally then I haven't the energy to make the effort to make it work. 

On the plus side Simon and I's relationship works very well, with no effort at all. We've never argued not even once. Like we're old companions, we both find it effortless to get on with each other, and entirely pleasant being around each other and just talking even. Perhaps I'm being a bit hard on myself, almost thinking I have some sort of social dysfunction. 

Certainly I am mentally dysfunctional. But that's just the way it is with me now. If my mentally ill head is getting in the way of friendships or such like, there's bugger all I can do about it except discuss it with my psychologist next time. Shit, I better start making a list for next visit. The topics are starting to pile up.

All I can do is the best I can. My best isn't particularly great at the moment. 

Daughter stopped by to use the net earlier, took a pic of the cat, lovely.

Friday, 26 November 2010

I got the safety net prescription thing!

It was a glorious visit yesterday to the pharmacy at the HIV place. I finally had spent enough money to get onto the PBS (pharmaceutical benefits scheme) safety net here. It means I have spent $1,290 in this calendar year on prescriptions so far. All prescriptions from now on until Dec 31st will be at a hugely reduced rate. Instead of $30 or so per prescription item it will only be about $5. For anything.

That means that for the last month of Dec 2010, instead of paying $66 for my HIV pills for the month, I will only pay about $10! These pills cost the gov nearly $1,000 a month. I am so very very glad I live in a country like Australia.

Another one bites the dust

I have just gone through another flatmate. FFS. Is it me? :) Appears its me-and-the-cat again against the world, well until Simon (S) returns. She (flatmate) has agreed with me that she should leave, of course in the usual flurry of anger and bitterness that I seem to produce in x-flatmates.

I do seem to have that effect on flatmates of late. I dare say I am presently incapable of living with people. Although I would say that the last two were rather hard to deal with as well. The drug dealer who was screwing me after getting me drugged up; well, WTF can I say there really.... It was obviously a relationship doomed to failure. Especially when he freaked out about being followed and potentially bashed by some stalking thug, and moved to a city 1,000 k's away. I was quite sad at the time about the drugs going and his dick, but hey, both I can stop using. 

Now has been the lesbian, my first experience living with one. Lovely lady, but fuckin as nutty as I am, probably more-so. Perhaps that was the problem us both being nuts. It didn't work out.

Dunno where I'm going from here. A break I guess from company. Maybe look into a one bedroom and move. They're not much cheaper but hey, better than living with another nutter.

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Life goes on

I took the day off work today, haven't had one in nearly 3 weeks (*faints*). Emotionally exhausted. Told the boss the truth; that it's a bad time of year for me and I've been stressing out. The stress in turn taking it's toll on my body, physically exhausted as well. Slept until midday.

Trying to step back again now from it all. A terrible place to be in. One where few understand. Taking time now to calm myself.

Wish I was out of Sydney at the moment, just on my own. I recall a favourite place of mine in the NSW north coast. Some of the beaches up there are deserted, you feel like the last person on earth. Very calming. You can sleep overnight in the car there and no one's around to bother you or care.

The Trigger

Think this song was what set me off.  My daughter (who was 15 at the time) was listening too it a lot the months after her mother/my wife died. She'd passed away after many years of illness.

As I did shift work, my daughter would spend much time with her in her bedroom watching TV, videos, talking and laughing together. In many ways she became a young carer for her mother when I was at work. They had mother/daughter talks, got very very close during those times. Because my wife was immobile a lot that seemed to aid the building of their relationship, being stuck in the same room for hours together. They both had the same personality, very fiery but very loving. I'm sure as things got worse my daughter would have asked her about staying around.

Downloaded the song other day and listened to it after years on the MP3 ear plugs. It says exactly how my daughter must have been feeling as her mother slowly died, and after her death. 

Tuesday, 23 November 2010


Today was one of those days when I was really glad the pills went over the top and I was rather off my face for most of it. It came at a very good time. Added to that was the continued numbness from the meltdown ( a natural off my face-ness). Added to that my back was aching like hell at work and I took 2 strong painkillers. By the end of the working day I was a zombie, simply plodding on through the shit that is my life right now.

On the plus side I was able to go to the pub after work for a few beers and actually had quite a laugh about the whole dilemma with a couple of friends. You do have to laugh, it's certainly better than fuckin crying.

I am emotionally exhausted. Physically drained. Still suffering the after effects of that encounter with the monster. Will do for some days. But hey, I'm still fuckin alive. 

Monday, 22 November 2010

Meltdown.... Numb.......

It's very dark.

It happened; a visit from the pain monster. I dunno what triggered it, but it had me huddled into a corner in the kitchen. Last night.

I cried again, not simply because I was feeling the pain, but because the pain was hurting me again. The monster slashing with it's claws. When I thought it was over another wave would come, but thankfully decreasing. 

At the end I was numb in bed, beyond crying. Still the odd tear coming without even crying. The monster had it's way last night. I had no choice but to ride it out. Me lying there stunned, staring above me into nothing.

Today I was still numb. Emotionally and physically exhausted. I am so very very tired of this. I will not again go through it, endless pain.

Late today I felt a bit better. Just enough to give a bit of hope. 

I fuckin hate this time of year.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

A bad night

Ugh, terrible. Woke up middle of the night with the bed wet from it. Got diarrhea, came from nowhere. Had to change the sheets and then almost too scared to go back to sleep unless it happened again. Put a towel down and an old spare sheet on top. Had stopped by morning after many visits to the toilet. Fuck I'm glad S wasn't here in bed for that, I'd have been so upset. 

So far haven't been missing S too badly and appear to be copping fine with the time apart. It's still a daunting thing to not have him here especially at such a bad time of year, but it can't be helped. He had to go back to attend to things at his home in the country. I should I suppose remind myself I've gotten through this before in previous years on my own. Being anxious and scared is understandable but to have gotten this far does show some sort of resilience and strength of character. I should give myself credit for that. And perhaps S and I's time apart is one reason why we get on so well when we're together? Who knows....

So far no more episodes of anxiety, been a week today since the last one that came out of the blue. Just taking it one day at a time.

Saturday, 20 November 2010


This is a bad time of year for me. For most it's a happy season, and down here also involves the summer holidays along with Christmas and new year. There is a festive atmosphere in the community, and people are happier as they take time off work, be with family, and go on trips away for vacation. But for me it's a time of dread and fear, as it reminds me constantly (including some significant dates) of the pain I experienced during those times in years past. While others made merry, I was having my heart ripped out. 

And so this I guess was the reason for the anxiety I experienced the other day. Already they've got the Christmas decorations up in the shops. Already I'm being reminded of those dark times..... My wife carted off to hospital on Christmas day, coming home a few days later only to have the stroke on new years eve, going back to hospital in a drama of ambulance officers in her bedroom while she cried (unable to talk) knowing she was going back there. She never came home again. My daughter leaving me the following Christmas full of hate and rebellion, tearing my insides out. My best friend killing herself in Jan last year. My daughter dragging me into court Feb last year 2 weeks after the suicide. One month later finding out I was HIV+....  No, this is not a happy time of year for me as I tend to spend it reliving memories of unimaginable pain.

Sometimes I look at what I've been through and wonder how the fuck I'm holding it all together now. Last year I in fact didn't; as I've written here before I underwent a mental collapse lasting about 9 months, 6 of those touch and go as to whether I killed myself or not. Nearly didn't make it. I'll never be the same person again I was, and am still recovering from the experience. The pain beyond words that drove me to it still haunts. I've learned to live apart from it, the pills help me to separate myself from it and not address it, but it still there lurking in the background; the pain monster. I fear this time of year it will attack once more. Anxious. The pain has a life of its own beyond my control. I want to keep it away, but get scared at times I can't. 

Withdrew in on myself the other day just before S was leaving. Had recovered somewhat the next day for the goodbye, but S could see the change in me just on that one day. For me it felt like I was falling out of control, worried, sick of hurting, not wanting to go back there again. Not wanting the monster to slash again with its claws. I've had enough of it, way more than I could bear. I can't live again through endless attacks, I won't....  I cried that bad day for a bit; cried simply because it was hurting again. 

My psychologist wrote me a thing for the recent court case I was in with the police. I read that again and cried. Fucks sake, no wonder I get anxious and scared of not holding it together:

I found this online about PTSD. 
Post traumatic stress disorder

Fucks sake, I'm fucked! To get over it you should "face and feel your memories and emotions" it says. How can I do that when they're too painful? When if I do so I end up in a half hour crying episode from the depths, gasping for breath and a panic attack.

Will be discussing all of this with my next psychologist visit.

2 weeks of work

Two whole weeks in a row at work, and I went every day! Wow! Cant remember the last time that happened. Quite an achievement.

Also was involved in a revamping of the dept area, my input evidently surprising many of those in the echelons of power. The area ended up much more functional and clean, and was hugely different from previously. Given all the dramas of the last two years, some seemed pleasantly surprised at my capabilities.  

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

The farewell fuck; Mark 2

It'd been over a month this time that S had stayed. We'd gotten closer than I ever expected, the closest in fact I've ever felt towards another human being. We had a few drinks at the pub earlier, and discussed this. I said that right now I couldn't imagine life without him. He felt the same. It's like we've known each other for years. We never argue, are always happy around each other.

I'd been feeling quite anxious for about a day, it's a bad time of year for me. Over Christmas and new year, even into Jan, it all just brings back horrible memories. Traumatic, so much so that I've been diagnosed last year with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Likely I wouldn't be very good company in this time leading into Christmas anyway, withdrawing into myself. Did so for a day already on the weekend. But the thought of a month without him with me is still daunting.

He was leaving in the night to drive back to the country. He'd drunk only a little at the pub and we had pizza from the local shop for dinner, and went on into the bedroom. Naked, I wrapped both my arms and legs around him, holding him tightly with everything I had. We made love so tenderly, full of passion and desire. My anxiety of the last day had passed and we both felt wonderful being together. Everything felt so good. I pulled him close and we kissed longingly while he fucked slowly, knowing we'd soon be apart. We were and are in love with each other.

He left later last night. Kissed me and I woke up, we hugged and parted. I watched him drive off out the bedroom window. I will survive I know, it will be OK. But I miss him already. Right now I feel like crying.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

The Adventure

Downloaded this a while ago, have no idea where I first heard it. Was surprised to find it again on the MP3 player.

Off my face all day

I know I want to be treated as normally as possible, but sometimes I think they forget at work my condition. Other day I had to have off as at the end of the week I was just too tired to wake up and go. This is after days and days of busy demanding work, where I've been taking up the slack for the other fuckin hopeless guy. Got to work with the doctors certificate for the day off, and the dept head asked what was the problem, and I told him honestly that I was just too tired to come. He seemed to think that wasn't a particularly good reason to have a day off. WTF? Do I have to continually remind the guy that I have HIV FFS?

Yes, the viral load is undetectable, but it's still there. Some released every day, to be dealt with by the daily pills. The pills themselves are relatively new and although they appear to work marvelously with the HIV, it's very early days in knowing what long term effects such heavy medications will have on overall health. The pills themselves take a toll. I'd like to think about coming off the happy pills as they too cause fatigue, but that prospect is just way to scary to even think about right now. If not for those pills I'd not be alive today.

Yesterday, Friday, I seemed to have rather a pill sort of day. Woke up feeling very nauseous and tired, couldn't stop yawning all day despite really strong coffee. All day I felt quite detached and spaced out. Was a real effort to get through work, but did it. Completely fucked at the end of the day, just wanted to go to bed. 


What an amazing invention, it has made the pillathon in the morning so much more easier.

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Excitement at work; car park fail


This was the result of a learner driver coming to work with her husband supervising. A nearly new BMW, when parking in the work carpark has somehow mistaken the accelerator pedal for the brake pedal. The car ploughed over the curbing, taking out two poles  embedded in the ground to stop such an occurrence along with some native bushland. One of the poles punching the fuel tank and nearly piercing it. The front bumper bar fell off, and much scraping and damage along the sides.

They then took off the L-plate learner things and switched seats, making out the husband was driving. Some guys from work tried helping and pushing the car back. However the (new) driver didn't appear to know how to drive either and proceeded to make the car go forward instead of backwards. For the sake of all, the efforts to help were abandoned and the driver commanded by onsite OH&S to exit the car. Perhaps it was because he could barely speak English that it took him some time to do so.

In the end a tow truck had to be called to get the car out, at a cash cost to the driver of $140. The OH&S had a meeting that day and produced a 6 page report of the incident with photos included. If the guy is considering the damage repair to be taken up by insurance then he's fucked himself by trying to defraud the insurance company by changing seats. 

Much angst was said during the meeting that those helping may have been seriously hurt by a driver who may have run them over instead of backing out, which would have involved work compensation and the insurance company involved suing the drivers insurance company for damages. If drivers insurance company told said driver to get fucked over his fraudulent efforts, the guy would have been up for tens of thousands$. 

Good grief! 

Sunday, 7 November 2010

"Have you been gay all your life?"

S asked me the other day, when I was talking to him about the book I'm reading; where a preacher knows early on in his life that he is gay and spends years struggling against it. 

Sexuality is such a complex thing. I had a gay experience early on when I was 17 in New Zealand, but for whatever reason didn't pursue it. My wife and I later on here in Australia really loved each other too. I'm still dealing with loosing her as we both felt so strongly for each other. Love I'd say isn't restricted to simply what sex or orientation you are, but about the person. We had very intense sex as well, until she slowly got more and more sick. We both enjoyed each other immensely. 

I asked my psychologist about this the other day, in the end he said it doesn't matter what was going on with my sexual orientation back then as we both loved each other and that was what was important. That now I find sex with men so enjoyable surely must mean I had something going on there that I wasn't addressing or recognising is my view on it. 

"Gay" can be such a limited label at times, there are so many shades of gray. People can get hung up with labels, trying to define everyone into specific little categories. I think sexuality is far more complex than that.

In any case, I do presently feel the most comfortable I ever had about who I am and my sexuality. S takes that to mean that yes I have been gay all my life. Maybe he's right, I dunno. I guess again it doesn't really matter. The fact that I'm not hung up on labels and sexuality means that I've found someone who I love deeply; another man.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

After the threesome

After D left, S and I continued on. We were even closer than ever after having D in the room with us. It was better just the two of us, the intimacy and sweetness of being alone with each other. No others, just us. 

And yes I do enjoy group sex, but it's so far been either anonymous or with people of whom I'm not emotionally involved with. Having both D and S in the same bed was sort of a bit confusing, at times I found myself wondering if I was neglecting one or giving the other too much attention. I was it seems the centre of attention in the room, as they weren't into each other. Both of them were into me, he he...

But sex with S has gone so much further than anything I've known before. So much tenderness and love in the closeness. I'd be happy to get involved in a group sex situation with S again, but we both know that it's not the main game. A bit of fun on the side, with the one on one sex between us the focus of our attention.

He was so cool about it all S. I told him before hand I felt a bit weird about having D here as well, but he took it all in his stride. Likes that sort of thing in fact, like in fact seeing me get fucked by other guys, turns him on. Well I'm not going to argue with that! He wants to take me to a sex club at some stage (maybe next visit) get me in a sling and have a few guys get involved. Sounds utterly glorious! But I'd have to be well rested and all to be up for it. Two hours is about my limit at a sex club before I start getting bored, he's talking about spending 4 or 5 there. Seems he's rather experienced at sex club-ology.

Friday, 5 November 2010


D, S, and I. Quite an accomplishment given that when we're all at our respective homes there's about 1,000 km's between us. D arrived as he indicated, and had drugs to share. S and I had just gone to bed and I wasn't really in the mood, but anyway thought why the fuck not?

I do like group sex, and have had such before with D at his old place on occasions. That however was usually with people I'd not met before or who I hadn't had sex with before. This time was different, being as how close S and I have become. At first it felt a bit awkward, but not overly. S fucked me whilst D watched and touched. Then D fucked me as I held S. It was a different experience. We all enjoyed each other, but it was a bit strange.

D left today after being out somewhere for a day, back to 1,000 km's away.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

It's love....

I tried my hardest. Tried not to get involved. Not to have any kind of meaningful relationship. Tried so hard for the possibility of more pain not happening. It has however all come to naught. He's got past all my barriers. I surrender. I love him. 

I am of course completely petrified. Scared shitless in fact (at least that will help douching). It's a risk, and a big one. With love can come hurt. And in the past much much hurt. But I only live once, and life is way too short to pass this by. A shared love between us like this is the rarest of experiences. 

I've always been a risk taker (no wonder I ended up with HIV). Never done things in halves. S and I both don't quite know where to go from here, but we both realise the closeness and love that we feel for each other. We both now want to live together, and neither of us have any fuckin idea how to do this; so separate are our lives. But we must, at some future time do so.

He will be leaving likely Sunday to go back to Lightning Ridge and organise things up there. I will see him next in the Christmas break, where I'll travel to see him and he drive us back to Sydney.