For some reason I've been very much a loner all my life. Have not ever wanted to rely on anyone for anything. Today I find myself being isolated more and more, as my fucked up head moves through a difficult time of year. There is so much going on up there, it would be selfish of me to expect people to even begin to understand what I'm going through or where I am. It's hard enough to understand it myself. My mental condition alienates me from society.
In many ways with the increasing isolation I just don't care. It's never bothered me much at all before. I naturally just don't want people around when I'm like this. Am certainly not the best company anyway. It's like being paralyzed.
But this time I am feeling the lack of friendships, and the way my dysfunction gets in the way of socialization. I will get through this, I have before. I have support seeing a very good psychologist and doctors, who actually do understand. But I can't help feeling presently very alone.
I rang Simon this morning just to say hello. We usually speak in an evening phone call, but I just wanted to hear his voice this morning. As close as we are, not even he understands what I'm going through, but he's very supportive even so. We spoke for about 15mins, discussing this and that. We talk easily with each other with no awkwardness.