Have been feeling very strange today. Fearful. Uneasy. Like something's not right. Stayed at home all day. Spent most of it in bed. Didn't want to leave the bedroom.
Is New years eve. I'm not going anywhere or doing anything. Don't feel like celebrating or socialising at all. Would rather just be at home alone. That way I don't have to pretend. To put on a fake mask and make it look like I'm enjoying myself, when inside are the memories and pain. All the bad shit seems to happen to me around Christmas and the new year.
Last year I'd been out of hospital only since Christmas eve. I have a vague memory of being tired and going to bed at about 9pm on new years eve. I never woke up. Went into a coma or something. My daughter found me the next evening after the hospital had rung her to check on me, as I'd missed a very important dialysis appt new years day. I was barely alive. Had developed pneumonia and my heart was very erratic and weak. She rang the ambulance and I went into the ICU. Was on a ventilator for 2 days, and one friend who came and saw me said they were discussing the option of pulling the plug.
But as usual I survived. Typical. Eventually I woke up, but didn't know where I was or how I'd got there. It was the most horrible thing. All I wanted to do was go home. I was hallucinating from delirium, and had suffered some level of brain damage from lack of oxygen. Couldn't talk properly, and even standing up I was having trouble balancing. Fuck that was a bad time.