Saturday, 31 March 2012

Pink Slime; pet food for humans

OMG, utterly revolting:


As someone concerned about the quality of food I eat, particularly as I have a potentially fatal disease, this cannot be good. 

Changed life

Was contacted by someone this week who has only just been diagnosed as HIV+. It wasn't really that long ago for me either, being 2009, but today it seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened. So much has changed. A roller coaster ride filled with unexpected twists and turns. But in all this there's been huge support services there to help me along the way. I think it's the way you approach having HIV that makes the difference to many of the outcomes when faced with challenges. 

To be honest, I can't even imagine what it would be like being negative now. Being positive has changed who I am. It changes relationships. Plans. 

For anyone who's just be diagnosed this may be a useful link:

Work went well this week. The dept head is thinking of having a chat with HR as there doesn't seem to be much of a reason for me to not work 4 days every week now. I'm handling the work fine. Yesterday I'd have lifted 4 tonnes over the course of the day. Tiring but nothing unexpected. Back is a bit sore as the Shingles have made a slight appearance again. Only one spot, following the line of the nerve near the other faded marks on my ass. Making my lower back a bit sore, but again nothing spectacular.

The agency bloke who was doing Monday and Tuesdays, got the shits and spat the dummy when I worked Tuesday the week before. So he's told the agency he's not coming in any more as he had the shits about it. WTF? He's only a casual. The place is under no obligation to keep him on 2 days. And he was useless in the end anyway, doing only about half the work expected of him, and getting paid more than me at casual rates. Must have cost the company a fortune having him there. 

And he was incompetent. He tried twice to change the knife on the guillotine (about a half hour job that gets done twice a week) and both times it took him about 2 hours and he had to get the other bloke there to help him as he didn't know WTF he was doing. I said the next day when I got in that he shouldn't be doing it if he didn't have a clue, and that he should have got the other permanent bloke there to do it for him. It's not something you do if you have any doubts. It's a metre long heavy steel blade as sharp as a razor. If you dropped it it'd slice straight through your hand.

So anyway they're getting another bloke from the agency in now. He's fine.  

Thursday, 29 March 2012

A decision: Taking control

I have made a major life decision. This has flowed from the last two or three days being immersed in music that had me consider my current situation in a new and very fresh way. It's a decision that I reckon I've been moving towards for some time, but today I made it an official decision for my life. It may be a very wrong decision for other people in their lives, but for me it's the right one. 

I'm so glad I'm able to completely open myself to ideas outside my conscious thinking. But I guess that's where I am in life. For me life is about way more than just the everyday physical existence. For me it's about my deepest feelings and emotions. About human relationships. About the life that springs from such things, good or bad/hard or soft. It's about where those feelings and emotions take me, and how it all interacts with the people around me. It's about my life and feelings, and about theirs. This decision is about me.

Have decided to terminate all relationships in my life that are toxic to my mental and overall well-being. The catalyst of course was this friendship of which I recently terminated. That experience has shown me that my own journey and life is more important than foolishly hanging on to a friendship or relationship that isn't worth the effort. Or indeed is nothing but a cancerous sore on my being. It's time to kill the past.

This includes all those in my immediate family who have spent my whole life hurting me. I've tried so hard over the decades to be accepted by them, but all it's led to is tears. My tears. Enough! Today I'm ending it. I will not make any more effort. I won't be hurt by them any more. I've had enough of that pain, and I will not revisit it. There are only two people who have shown any kindness and compassion to me, and I cling to those two as all the family I have now; my sister here in Sydney, and my other sister in New Zealand who has recently been emailing me with much support. The rest of them are dead to me now. I'm killing the past.

Has been a long time since I've felt making such a right and true decision for myself. A long time since I've cared so much about my own life to do so. It is empowering. I'm now taking hold of my life and controlling it, instead of being victimised by my circumstances. It's now my choice who may or may not inflict pain on me. I have chosen to be in command, instead of in hell.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Lost in the music

I haven't been able to have the song that I posted the video of yesterday, stop in my head. In fact it has consumed me today; the words, the understanding. ... It's to the credit of the artists who took part in the song that it has gone to my core. They have described my situation of late precisely, and have expressed the mood involved even in the music itself. 

I've always liked Pink Floyd, but it's been much of their earlier work which has gotten my attention. Dark Side of the Moon, and Wish You Were Here. The Wall. After Roger Waters left I thought it was just sort of farting around without all of them together to inspire each other in the creative process. But now it's like this album is something that I've never listened to before. It has such huge meaning for me now. Such a message for life. It's like they walked into my head and wrote shit about it. I've listened to it on the sound thingo tonight instead of the MP3 player. There's something about a room being filled with music that is entirely different than listening with earplugs, no matter how good they are.

I'm on a ride. A music ride. Am going through the motions of work and living, but right now I'm consumed by their music and the ideas they have bought up in that album, The Division Bell. 

I dunno where this ride is taking me. I've just got on it to see where I go. An artist that works in such a way as Pink Floyd will no doubt recognise my condition right now. But I'm on this journey alone. Right now this music and where it might take me is everywhere. Daily living is just an emotion to go through. A predictable one. Nothing to worry about. The emotions stirred in me by this music aren't normal but of a landmark nature. I will be changed by this experience, I'm just not sure exactly how. This is big.

My life is about experience.....

This also off the same album. An instrumental called Marooned. Haven't looked into it yet, but to me right now this music expresses how I feel in those times that I was isolated from the community. Those times when the pain was so bad that all I could do was sit at home with the curtains shut for the whole day, too horrified and scared to leave. Sitting alone, no TV on, staring into space, paralysed emotionally and physically. Marooned on an island not of my choosing. This instrumental captures that mood, that feeling, perfectly.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

"Killing the past and coming back to life"

Music has always been a huge source of emotion and support for me my whole life. Sometimes you can hear a song many many times, but no quite get what it's on about. You just know you like it. Then one day the thing explodes in your head, full of meaning and relevance to your life. Finally you get the song. Last night was one of those times for me.

The last months have been a difficult time socially. It has involved losing a friend who I thought was one, but finding out others who were very much so. I was angry and upset at the betrayal of the one who professed their friendship for me whilst hurting me deeply and putting me last. It was worse than a stranger doing it as this guy was part of my social world at the time. I just couldn't understand how a so called friend would treat me so badly. In the end however I ended the so called friendship and moved forward on my own path.

He himself wasn't able to understand my perceived abandonment of him, couldn't see why I was moving on, without him as part of my life any more. Whether he wasn't used to people doing that to him I don't know and don't give a fuck. In the end, even if he couldn't see it, the friendship was no good for me and was hurting me on many levels. Whether he understood or not it was time for me to leave him behind.

I dunno if this was playing a part in how I was feeling last night; pretty horrible. Alone and depressed, like that grating feeling of getting dragged through gravel. Went to bed early as had just had enough of the day. Lay there feeling horrible. Simon rang and we chatted. I didn't let on though about how bad I was feeling as he's having his own problems up there. Later I thought I would listen to some music to see if that helped. Kept flicking through songs on the MP3 player, and came across this one that I've liked for years but hadn't listened to in years either:


The MP3 player has a very clear sound, and I have those ear canal plugs that are excellent. So for the first time I started listening to the words. The song is from the album "The Division Bell", and much of the music on it is about the conflict the band Pink Floyd were having with their ex-member Roger Waters. The words were very inspiring and exactly how I felt.
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
'Cause the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
After all, this is my own journey.

Monday, 26 March 2012

Investigating Windows 7

Had a very quiet day at home yesterday. Didn't even go to get groceries or anything. Just stayed home and watched telly. Also finished installing all the shit on the new PC. Ugh, so boring. I'm impressed though with it. Very fast. Has some dual core thing, evidently that means it can do two things at once or something. All the internet pages load instantly, didn't realise how slow my old PC was making the internet. Video stuff works really well, no problems, can watch everything full screen now with YouTube and all. The old PC I couldn't do that as the image would stop and start, really bloody annoying. Windows 7 seems OK, I'm no fan of having to learn new stuff just to operate the PC, but it's basically the same as Windows XP but with more options and complexity. Was easy to set up the PC at the start, and Windows 7 seems to have all kinds of helpful hints along the way for dummies like me.

Yeah, so now I'm a hip and happening PC man. I'm running Win 7. I'm there.

Think I'm feeling a bit beteer today. Fuck I was getting so sick of taking bloody Panadol (for the Americans, Panadol is a mild sort of headache general pain tablet). It does work, although I have to be patient with it, but it's nothing like the Endone.... *sigh*..... You have to take sort of more than what the label says to get anything out of it when you're feeling really shitty. Think I got a bit of an upset stomach as I've had diarrhoea again this morning. 

Watched a bit of telly last night, I actually enjoyed it a lot. Unusual for me. They had this excellent documentary on the ABC here, brand new series. I was absolutely riveted to it. It's free to air of course, and is available online for nothing for about a month here:

I tested it with the new orgasmatronic Win 7, and it works marvellously darlings. Full screen and all (full screen is only for hip and happening blokes like me running Win 7 with a dual core though). I assume it would play overseas. Shame if it didn't. Highly recommend it. It's not only incredibly interesting but has wonderful camera work with spectacular Oz scenery. Here is the trailer on YouTube:


Sunday, 25 March 2012

Not well

I've not been well for nearly a week now. Not massively sick, but the sort of steady drip drip drip that over time is like some sort of mild torture. Sore throat, aching muscles, head and back ache, running nose. Feeling cold all the time today as autumn is here now and it's a cloudy day with no sun. 

Not feeling much like eating but trying to do so. Got on the scales this morning for the first time in a while and weight seems OK, haven't particularly lost anything. Although yesterday I had diarrhoea. It can be hard for me sometimes to keep weight on when I go through a period like this of feeling constantly sick. Yesterday I made a quite good tuna thing, just with pasta and peas and various sorts of flavouring with it. A simple thing. Had some New Zealand cheese with it.

Work last week was a bit of a struggle. Wouldn't you know it, the first 4 day week in months and of course I have to get sick for it. FFS. I survived though. Still got some of the painkillers left from the Shingles, the ones that stopped the pain signals going to the brain. Have been having one of them in the morning before work. They still make me rather vacant in the head though, but I guess I'm not actually thinking when I'm working. It's all very repetitive and boring. 

Am glad of the 4 days off now and not back at work until Wed. Dept head suggested that last week after he'd been talking with HR about me.

Have been up for a bit today and done some washing and dishes. Going back to bed for a while, take some headache pills I think. Maybe read for a bit.    

Saturday, 24 March 2012

"Reaction. Twenty Minutes to Live"

My good friend Michelle was on national TV this week as she's in the process of releasing her new book. She said she was very nervous after coming out of the studio, but I think she did really well.

I became interested in Michelle’s story last year, when recovering from the intense allergic reaction to medication. Over the months she spoke to me about the book she was writing and her own experiences with allergies. 

She in the past had had a severe peanut allergy and was constantly in danger of exposure, as the amounts involved to bring on an attack were microscopic. Although she told me about it during these discussions, I had no idea really as the extent of the condition. Not until reading her book. In it she described some of these anaphylaxis attacks. They were attacks that were triggered by unimaginably small amounts of allergen but which sometimes nearly killed her. 

Despite this she was able to become allergy free by following her own path. I was of course interested after my particular episode. It’s not every day an allergy nearly kills you. Getting HIV seems to have affected my immune system into becoming hyperactive. This may reduce I guess when I start meds again, but I certainly don’t want to be allergic to anything else used in treating HIV as my medication options have become limited now. 

So I bought the book. I in fact was the first one to do so, and Michelle signed it for me. It’s an entertaining tail of courage and a journey to find her own path. The importance of living your life true to who you are and in harmony with yourself is a goal we can all share, particularly in living with HIV. 

You can find out more about her book here:

I've also made a separate page for it and may be adding bits and pieces to it every now and then.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Trying to get past the shit

Third day of work this week. The four days will be fine I reckon. Am coping with the physicality of it all fine. But they want to ease me in. So that means a 4 day weekend after tomorrow, hip hip hooray! All I got to do is forget about the less money. Daughter too is having less hours that those weeks so money looks a bit tight. Oh what fuckin ever. I just don't care. Life can do to me no more than it's already done. Yes, I'm still waiting for the end of the train wreck, but it just doesn't matter any more. Have had so much to deal with, nothing can hurt any more.

What I don't expect however is to be hurt from people integrally involved in the support of HIV+ people. Last couple of days I've had such a horrible experience with a particular person deeply involved in such. Involved to the point of campaign creation, such like many of the campaigns indicated on the sidebar. Yet this person saw nothing wrong it appears in assuming my character was the worst, jumping to conclusions of the worst, and sending me an email of what I can only describe as on the verge of hysterical. 

I would expect such (on rare occasions) from people not involved in the support of us. But I wouldn't expect it from those who are actually involved with us. I'm gutted. Hurt. I feel terrible. I don't trust some of these people any more. How can they do such a thing to me, who they're supposed to be supporting? All I can think is that for them that it's all about their career in what they're doing, not me. That sucks, big time.. I've had no apology from her. Just a lame little email note, pretty much a form email. It makes me feel isolated and alone.

All this shit is getting in the way of what I really want to post about. But I'm tired, grumpy, and got the fuckin shits tonight. I can't do it justice tonight so it will have to wait. It's to do with a good friend of mine who experienced peanut anaphylaxis for 35 years. Not only survived but is living today with no allergies. She was interviewed on national TV last night about it, and has just released a book of her story. More later when I can, like I said, do her justice in my posting. She and her husband are good friends of mine, and the whole subject is hugely interesting for me given my allergic reaction last year that saw me nearly die twice.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012


Have been very down today. 

I can't put a finger specifically why. Last night I found myself crying to sleep. It wasn't panic attack crying, just normal. At least now I seem to be able to cry without going into a gasping for breath thing. Crying used to be horrible, as it would just get me closer to the pain.

Last night though I felt rested after it. Went to sleep. Yeah, literally cried myself to sleep.

Dunno why, as I said. Perhaps just a release from the stress of late. The bank thing has been a huge worry. Puss dying. Just sometimes it all gets on top of you I suppose. But to release like that seems sort of natural and needed.

Went to work today and was down all day...

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Bank bluff?

Not feeling too well today, nothing major, just have some sort of a head cold. Typical isn't it, just on the day that I work a Tuesday for the first time in I think about 8 months. I just took Panadol for it through the day so it wasn't so bad. The dept head said he'd been talking to the HR lady upstairs and they came to a consensus that I would be gradually bought back into working Tuesdays, starting with every second week for a bit. 

Fine with me, I'm just happy to have a bit of extra money. Has been diabolical working only 3 days. I'm happy not to be at work of course, but I just don't seem to be able to get by on just 3 days a week pay. 

The asshole bank today I was told from the $guru, that they have agreed to wait until the outcome of the application with the bureaucrats in the faceless gov dept in Canberra, before they go any further with any threats or asshole letters. Oh joy I am saved... Well at least they saw reason in the end. Perhaps they were bluffing? They have inferred all along since the first time I went into the local branch to start this whole process, that I was in fact lying; that I evidently had bazillions stashed away in a secret account and that I was simply going through all of this with the sole purpose of ripping them off. I wonder if they thought having HIV was just part of this grand plot against them?

I know they must have people that do try it on with them, but FFS that doesn't mean they should treat genuine people like me as suspect. If they had any humanity they'd have given me the benefit of the doubt. Fuck, my financial counsellor is from and HIV charity. Do they honestly think I'm making this all up?

But no, they go for the jugular right from the start. The factory manager at work that got fired I consider to have been a capitalist thug. I consider this bank to be also. Never mind I've been with them for nearly 30 fuckin years.

I won't name them here for legal reasons. I wouldn't put it past them to sue me for defamation if they found what I wrote here about them. But in the end it's just my experiences with them and what they've done to my head through it all. I will be verbally telling all my friends and whoever asks what a bunch of pricks they are. I closed my normal working account with them months ago over this, like I said after nearly 30 years with them. I will never be going back.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Bank gets heavy

Been stressing since Friday after getting a letter from the bank (the asshole one that has been dragged kicking and screaming to cooperate). They've refused to offer an extension to the compassionate period or whatever it's called, and want to have the money owing paid in full within 30 days. They have however made an offer of a debt settlement of only 70% of the debt, being about $17,000. 

It doesn't make any difference if it's $17,000 or $24,000, I still can't pay it. I mean what do they expect me to do, pull the money out of thin air. I haven't got it, simple as that. You can't get blood out of a stone. I have no assets, nothing except what's in my Superannuation. 

I'm still waiting for that to run it's course. The specialist HIV doctor has written another letter (the third one) which I've forwarded to the $guru. Hopefully this will satisfy the bureaucracy in Canberra and finally I will have the money to settle all this from my Super. It's not my fault (as the bank implies) that it's been 5 months going through all this. Tell it to the faceless people in some gov office playing around with my life.

Thge $guru has emailed me earlier today saying not to worry about court action by the bank if they do go down that path. As long as we are doing everything possible to resolve the matter, then there shouldn't be a problem. 

I don't understand the banks strategy anyway. If they force me into bankrupty they won't get a cent, let alone $17,000.  

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Had to get a new PC

I suppose it was soon to happen, have had the old one for about 3 years at least. Used constantly. Only this tiny little noteook thing. It apparently carked itself this morning. I turned it on and it wouldn't boot up or some weird thing. Flashed the blue screen of death before refusing to go any further and shutting itself off. Not long enough to actually read what was on it. Couldn't start in safe mode, any mode, nothing. The thing was way out of date now and by the time I got it fixed I could've bought something way better now. You can get better ones than it now for under $400. So I just gave up on it. Went and got another one. Just a simple little thing, only a bit bigger than the old one. 

It has a dual core, very fast compared to the other dead one. It's heaps easier to type on the keyboard. Hard drive over 300 gigs. It's just a hassle having to install everything into it. Have set Win 7 to "basic" and it's not too bad. They always put in these extra layers of crap to wade through to do the same thing, like that's a better thing. Win XP was great, I miss it already. At least I was able to skip that whole Windows Vista nightmare.

Tragically, I've lost all my bookmarks. Thought I had a file stored somewhere but it seems not. Many of them go back years to when I madly debated stupid conservatives online. Even more tragically I lost some rather good porn movies. I'll suppose I'll have to google the site again where I got the torents from. Lost that bookmark too. Think I may have the registration details in my Hotmail. Wow, am really glad for Hotmail as none of the emails were even stored on the old PC.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Kangaroo steak for dinner

Went and did a bit of grocery shopping earlier. Noticed these that I usually pass by in the supermarket.

Haven't had kangaroo meat for ages. Think I found it a bit hard to cook with the pan I was using back then. You have to cook it on a high heat and fast or it goes tough. It's very lean meat, virtually no fat at all, very healthy for you. I'm going to have boiled potatoes (both sweat potatoes and plain boiling ones) along with carrots with the meat. Will also do a bit of gravy with it.

It's tastes a bit like beef only with a sweet sort of flavour. 

Life with no pet

Never realised just how involved home life was with puss. She certainly was an integral part of the household. Not wanting to get another one as I doubt a kitten growing up would be suited to where I'm living now. Unless maybe if there was a cat that was happy to just live inside. The car park out the back it'd likely get run over very quickly. 

Got up yesterday and today and no puss jumping on the bed to say hello. She used to like getting patted as I sat there waking up and taking my morning pills. Come over and rub her head against me. Even if I was still in bed on the weekends she'd come right up to my face and rub against it. A bit annoying early in the morning. So I'd pat her to fend her off. After a few years she started putting her paw on my face if I stopped patting her in the mornings, like "come on keep going". I'd pat her and she'd take the paw away.

We were very close the cat and I. She used to like being right next to me as well on top of the blankets, and have her belly rubbed. She'd turn her head purring like mad and look at me in appreciation. Then go back to basking in the belly rub. 

Washed her cat feeding bowls this morning for the last time and put them away in a top cupboard. You never know I might use them again one day. Must say I shed a few tears doing it. She'd spent her whole life eating out of those bowls so they were very personal to her. Cleaned the plastic litter box as well. Put it all the the cupboard, along with the cat biscuits and cans left over. Simon's little dog I'm sure will be happy to devour them. 

Printed out a picture from the new printer this morning. Will get a frame and put it on the shelf. Next to the pictures of the other dead people :s

I guess it's going to be easier at least when going away. Won't need to organise anyone to look after it while I'm gone. Will still miss her a lot though. She was such a loving cat and so helpful when I was on the verge of suicide. Won't ever forget this little darling. 

Friday, 16 March 2012

Work week ends

Got the final OK for next Tuesday working yesterday. Got to work Wed and asked if the agency bloke had been told that I was coming in Tuesday instead of him. No, he hadn't. WTF? Are management all fuckin morons? So what's the story then, am I or the agency bloke coming in next Tuesday? I ask the supervisor and they can only say "I don't know I'm not told anything". So I start assuming he will be in not me as I'm not going to be put in the position of turning up the same day as him and have to be the one to tell him. FFS these nuts couldn't organise the proverbial fuck in a bloody brothel.

So yesterday the dept head finally come to me and say hello and that. So I ask him then, "mate like the guy hasn't been told anything, um, WTF is the story for next Tuesday?" His reply, "I don't give a fuck about _______". At which time I detect hostility there. It seems management is onto this guy doing fuck all on a shift that costs them about $400 a pop. And for what, 2 or three fuckin pallets? The minimum required is at least 5. They got the other bloke in last night who did just that, along with me today with my day shift effort. The guy has hung himself, big time. He's back Monday, and I was promised he'd be told of the new arrangements with me. I was thinking to do the right thing by him with a couple of weeks notice, just because it's the right thing to do no matter how useless he is. Management seems to think otherwise. 

Still very upset about puss. Have never been so close to a cat as her.  

Thursday, 15 March 2012

"Getup" responds to gay hate add

Refer the post below re the bizzarre homophobe add airing up in Queensland by the Bob Katter Australia Party. Katter's half brother is gay, and the one who's in the add:
The add is not going to air unless Getup gets the money to do it. If you so desire darlings you can put money to air this add in Queensland here:
One of the most homophobic ads to hit Australian television screens is airing right now in Queensland. Stand against bigotry and discrimination – help counter the Katter’s Australia Party ad with this important message from Bob Katter’s half-brother Carl.

The more we all chip in today, the more we'll be able to put this ad on air and ensure that every young gay and lesbian Australian who saw Bob Katter's homophobic message sees Carl Katter's message of hope and equality.

We will buy all the ad spots we can get in Queensland over the coming two weeks, starting with prime time spots on A Current Affair and Sunday Night News across Brisbane. Ad spots are limited, so if we can't spend all the money donated, we will email you back as soon as possible and offer to return your contribution.
I love Getup


Carl Katter has joined the Labor party. 

FEDERAL MP Bob Katter's gay half-brother has joined the Labor Party and has not ruled out running for preselection at the next state election. 

Carl Katter, who is a vocal gay marriage advocate, said he joined the Fitzroy branch of the Labor Party because he wanted to ''get involved at a grassroots level''.

''I look back on my life and all my rights, all the luxuries I have in contemporary society have come from the Labor Party, so it's a no-brainer for me,'' he said.

Rumours were swirling among ALP insiders that Carl Katter was running for preselection for the 2014 state election. But the Labor Party member said seeking preselection was not something he had seriously considered yet - although he had not ruled it out.
Carl Katter is a board member of Australian Marriage Equality. Read more

Death in the family

Bye puss

I'm thinking maybe I should have trusted my farm judgement and had her put down at the vets the other day. But by the body language she died very peacefully and happy in familiar surroundings. I myself know how terrible it is to be sick in a horrible hospital setting where all you want to do is go home. She was home and died happily, lying on her side with her front paws folded. She looked completely relaxed. 

Of course both of us are upset. She had started eating and drinking on her own this morning when we both left for work so we thought this meant she was going to make it. But that's how it works with both humans and animals; they get better and seem OK before they die. We got home about the same time and my daughter noticed blood on the floor. I couldn't remember if it was from the other day or not. She was under the lounge as I looked just a bit earlier and thought she was asleep. After the blood sighting I pulled the lounge back to have a look, she looked happy. I gave her a pat on the head and instantly felt rigor mortise. Said "I've got some bad news"..... 

In hindsight you always think of something better you could have done. But I did my best eh. In the end I'm glad she died at home and not in a pet hospital. She knew she was loved until the end.

Wrapped the body up in a towel and put it in a bag, took it to the vet and they will dispose of the body in the appropriate manner. 


Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Escaped the needle of death

Picture from the brink:

Took this this morning. Hard to tell if she's improving as I've been so close to the situation. She's still very weak and all. Managed to get some wet food into her, just sort of opened her mouth and put it in. She chewed it and swallowed but looked pretty pissed off with me holding her mouth open to get it in there. Still not eating or drinking on her own. 

Came very close to the needle of death yesterday. I told the vet straight out when I went there that she was obviously very unhappy and extremely ill, and that I'd rather have her euthanised than see her suffering like that. Felt terrible for her yesterday when she spewed badly, she was sitting there on the chair with her tongue going in and out, as the spew was all over her face and neck as well as down the chair and floor. Poor thing. Looked at a total loss. It was only that the vet talked me out of it and came up with other possibilities that I held back. 

I can't believe now I'm giving her prescription pills. It's pretty hard, have never given cats a pill before. I have to as she's not eating and I can't crush it into her food. Vet showed me how to open her mouth and put it far down as I can for her to swallow it. Good grief, a cat with a bloody prescription FFS! *Sheesh* Never a dull moment around here. If it's not me it's her.

Anyway will see how these pills work. The appetite one is Prednisole, which I had last year when I was sick. Made me quite hungry all the time, and put back on the 10 kilos I lost pretty quickly. Can't believe now I'm giving it to the cat. Would've never happened on the farm when I was young. I dunno, these city cats have a pampered life don't they?

Hope it does all work of course. She's been with me through thick and thin. Was the only one there with me at home when I nearly topped myself in 2009. Cats seem to have a sixth sense, she knows when I'm upset.  

Monday, 12 March 2012

Australia's very own gay hate add :s

Just when I thought it was safe to look at the news online, behold we have an anti-gay add in our very own Australia. It's nothing like that Kirk Cameron American nutter though (who holds gays responsible for threatening the very fabric of civilisation darlings) but it is from the very fringes of politics here. Alas, we just can't do gay hatred like America can. Everything's always much bigger over there you know...

Bob Katter is some nut who used to be in the conservative NP (National Party) but was so far right wing became an Independent in parliament. He has since formed his own party, The Australian Party, which advocates all sorts of simplistic cliche type things. With Queensland in the throws of a state election, he has criticised the leader of the conservative party (currently in opposition) as being a hypocryte for supporting gay marriage when his party doesn't, and is broadcasting this ad on the telly up there:


Although it's a bit tame by Kirk Cameron standards, there's a huge backlash over it:
But instead of achieving its goal, the ad has sparked outrage among Queensland's gay and lesbian community and support groups.
Equal rights campaigner Phil Browne on Monday lodged a complaint with the Advertising Standards Bureau, labelling the ad as "vile".
"The ad uses fear and hate to target homosexuals, an oppressed minority group," Mr Browne said in his complaint.
"This is vile and unacceptable.
"It would be totally unacceptable to use another minority group to promote the same message."
Mr Newman told reporters in Brisbane it was "immaterial" that he supported gay marriage but his party didn't.
He said the priority should be on looking after "normal Queensland families who need their cost of living pressures reduced right down".
But when asked what a "normal family" was, Mr Newman did not exclude same-sex couples from his response.
"(They are) families who are trying to pay their mortgages, trying to make ends meet, who need low vehicle registration costs frozen," he said.
 What a nut.

In other news, the cat lives another day. They are trying different antibiotics and a pill for appetite. The blood results weren't back but I went there at 3pm as she was so bad I thought. However her enemia is at the same levels as yesterday with no worsening. I was really surprised, but they said she likely was weak as she was from not eating or drinking for over a day. They think it could be a blood parasite from the fleas devouring her white blood cells.

Looks bad

Was chucking out the rubbish this morning and noticed some junk mail in the old letterbox out the front (the mail is supposed to go in the new one other side of the driveway). It looked like an envelope so I picked it up. It wasn't an envelope but a printed DL piece of cardboard, with a fridge magnet stuck to it:

That's really good news. That's the medical centre almost across the road from here that stopped bulk billing a while back and charging $40 on top of the Medicare schedule fee. They've now gone back to bulk billing (free) so it will be much easier to see a doctor around here locally. My HIV doctor is a bus trip away and it's not always OK to see him on the day I ring, which is a big hassle if I'm just wanting a doctors cert for work or some other simple prescription. Makes life a lot easier.

Puss is still massively sick. She got through the night OK sleeping in the little enclosed balcony/"sun room", and I put her in my reading chair in there this morning. She looked very comfortable, but when I got up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth I came back and she'd spewed massively. Felt so sorry for the poor thing. Had to clean up her face with a wipe, and bucket and water for the rest. Was all down the chair and on the floor. Looked like it'd been in her a while. 

She's no better now. Didn't touch any food or water. Just waiting for the vet to ring this afternoon with the blood results. Not looking good at all though, she's obviously sore and unhappy, poor thing suffering. Almost want to take her for the injection right now but at least want to find out what the blood says.   

Sunday, 11 March 2012

May have to put down puss

Daughter was busy so had to take puss round to the vet by foot. Wasn't so bad, just sort of leaned the carrier into my leg. Is more awkward than heavy. Vet got me in just after 5. Spent about 15 minutes examining her but couldn't find anything specifically wrong with her, but did want to hospitalize her. Way too much money, was gonna be about $500 altogether for overnight and all. On top of what it cost me today, $380 (there goes the overtime). I had to put the lid on the cost somewhere. She asked me if I had pet insurance, I nearly laughed. "No, I don't even have human insurance." Jokingly asked if I could put the cat on my Medicare card and get it bulk billed.

So they took some blood (a big part of today's cost) to get tests done. Will ring me tomorrow afternoon with the results. They have to send it out and of course there's no pickup on Sundays. Gave her a slow release antibiotic in case of infection, although she had no temp. Plus something for pain in case she was sore. Told me to keep a close eye on her overnight.

They rang just after I got home and they'd done a preliminary blood test on the vet premises already, and she's very anemic. Dangerously so in fact. Said again she'd want to admit it, but I just said that this was the best I could do. Most people around here are well off so I guess it's surprising for them to come across someone like me short on money like that. Said again to keep a very close eye on her overnight, and bring her in in the morning if she went downhill.

If it's going to be any sort of major procedure or operation involved I'll have no choice but to put her down. She's been a wonderful pet for the time we've had her, but I just haven't got the money to keep her going if it's going to be big bucks. It's upsetting but well that's just life isn't it. Growing up on a farm you get to know about animals and death. Daughter is a bit upset but she does understand.  

Cat alert

The cat is really sick today. She wasn't well yesterday but seemed much better this morning. Through the day though she'd gotten progressively worse. A few drops of blood came out of her mouth before. I freaked out. She's also very weak and sleepy, not at all herself.

The vet I take her to is open this afternoon 4-6pm so I'll take her around there then. Getting a lift with one of daughters friends, as it's a few blocks to there and she gets very heavy to carry. 

I'm wondering if she's maybe eaten a bit of rat poison or something when she's outside. If that is the case I'm going to have a bit to say about it, as there are young kids that play out there as well. 

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Working 4 days a week

Talked with the dept head yesterday about what exactly he wanted re me working Tuesdays. He'd said nothing to my supervisor about it, so I said I thought he needed to clarify it all. Had a short discussion with both the dept head and supervisor together, and he wants me to start week after next doing 4 days. Officially it will still be a 3 day week, and the Tuesdays will be extra time. He said to try that for a couple of months to see how I went.

I'm quite pleased about it. I actually never thought I'd end up increasing my hours again, being consigned to poverty forever more. But with the asshole factory manager being fired there's a friendlier atmosphere about the place, and I mentioned that I hoped the new regime (whatever it'll end up being) will be much more reasonable to deal with. 

Personally I suspect the asshole factory manager was being discriminatory to me as I had HIV, but of course I can't prove it. That whole episode with him going bananas about my absenteeism last year was very dark and stressful. I came very close to telling him to stick his fuckin job, but I'm glad I didn't now. Hah! He got fired. Good fuckin job. I won. Or more exactly, we won; us workers united in the union and stood up to the idiot. What an incompetent fool he was. No idea how to deal with people. Just a bullshit artist and a Capitalist thug. 

So now it looks like life will be a lot easier with day to day survival with money. I certainly won't be rich, but the extra days pay will really help. The agency bloke has hung himself pretty much. Coming in on afternoon shift and doing about half of what he should have. This bloke is getting about $5 an hour more than me, and fuck knows what the agency is charging the company for him. It'd have to be about $50 an hour, flat rate. 


Thursday, 8 March 2012


Um, it rained like mad this morning in Sydney.

Luckily it wasn't windy early in the morning when I went to work, so my umbrella saved me. The sun was up, but it was still dark when I got there.

Went into work and surprisingly the agency bloke had actually done a shifts worth of work last night. I changed the knife on the guillotine as it was blunt after doing 3 shifts worth, and proceeded to carry on with it.

Being as I've somehow ended up being unwittingly involved in an evil plot to bring down civilisation by gayness, I thought I would send Simon a text as he's back in Lightning Ridge now. There was something different about his visit this time, and I wanted to tell him so. I texted:
Missed holding you last night. Feeling your back and bum, having your legs on
He loved it. Said it was poetic. Didn't think so myself, but I wanted to say how much I felt for him this time. Beyond the sex, I really cared for him and felt strongly for him. A bit later I texted:
Just to have you there to hold was really special.
Think I'm falling for this guy big time. Scared though, of being hurt and putting my feeling where they're vulnerable. I'm pleased where this is going, but I'm still going to take it slowly.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Invaded by hate

Simon left this morning. We both had a bit of a disturbed night. I think we both were unhappy about him going. We said goodbye early this morning as he went and got the bus to Central Station. Hugged. He's back in a couple of months, for a month, looking after his friends place again opposite Botany Bay. We got on so well this time. I know I'm going to miss him a lot now. Just having him there next to me in the night was something very special. Even just holding each other I could feel the electricity between us. We would sleep together connected like that.

Went to work today and we actually seem to be making headway into the build up in Print. The dept head I sent him an email yesterday about working Tuesdays, saying that it was fine with me. He came and had a chat this afternoon and will let me know what the story is each week. 

I appear to be over the diarrhea, but also had to take an extra half a tablet or two today at work of Endone. Think I may try just taking Panadol and see how that works. Am leaving out the Lyrica for tonight to see how I am in the morning. These pain pills are convenient, but I don't want to end up relying on that convenience in everyday life.

Was a very nice meal in the cafeteria today (*faints*). Lovely chicken things with a lemon sauce and vegetables. Enjoyed it a lot. Don't mind paying $7 or so when the food is good. 

Sat and watched the telly there as I ate. "The View" was on, from America. Was disgusted when I saw them refer to that Kirk Cameron and his recent appearance on some show. He was asked about gays, and fuckin may the universe help any of his kids if they end up being gay. I get so angry when I see this. People aren't given the airtime here to preach hatred like this. Yet there I sat, and from the other side of the world I had to cop this shit, after working hard all morning, whilst I ate my lunch:

Words cannot describe how I feel watching that. There are so many emotions. So many thoughts. How the fuck can someone even suggest that gay marriage threatens the foundations of civilization FFS? How can someone feel so threatened by people who are so non-threatening? 

Personally my opinion is that he's gay himself, and is reacting to his feelings inside. He gives a big insight into this when he talks about feeling a certain way doesn't mean you should act on it. I'd suggest he may have some secret guy on the side, like many evangelical American preachers before him.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Pill perils

Today I have diarrhea. I'd not say it was anything I ate. Probably as I've been taking much less of the Endone. I had only half a tablet this morning, and none last night at all. I did notice an ache in my sciatic nerve this morning, left side of my pelvis and butt, but it was localised to just that area and not at all painful like it had been in the recent past. I took the half an Endone for it (plus 2 Panadol) along with the Lyrica that I'm still taking morning and night. 

Must say I'm still feeling pretty vacant. Sort of buzzing and slightly out of it. I might start just taking one Lyrica in the mornings and see how I go. It has worked really well with the Shingles/sciatic pain, but I'm sure that's the pill that's making me feel so vacant for some reason. I noticed as soon as I started taking it the other week. I think it's because it's on top of the antidepressant Efexor; 300mg day. I usually feel a bit out of it in the mornings just from the high Efexor dose (even though I've been taking it for ages) so I guess the Lyrica is having some added effect but which is being magnified. I dunno. 

Fuck, imagine if I was taking HIV pills as well! 

Monday, 5 March 2012

Last box of Endone?

 It's time for me to end the Endone. *sigh*

Have had to be a honest about it. It was good to have this as it took away all the aches and pains, including the Shingles pain. But as it's prescribed solely for the Shingles pain my continuing to take it relies on the Shingles pain still being present.

Alas the Shingles pain has vastly subsided.

The last 7 tablets left I've broken in half, as suggested by my GP. They in fact had a line across the middle and were easy to break exactly in half. I do know with morphine also it works better when taken with a couple of Panadol. Dunno why. Someone told me it gets your system going better.


Sunday, 4 March 2012

Four day week?

Feeling tired again today. Worked my fuckin ass off yesterday at work. Friday night the agency bloke did fuck all, probably only about a third of what you'd expect. I'm wondering if he was given other work to do, as what was done on my machine was so little. So anyway I'd expected three more pallets to be cut than there was, and so had to do them on Sat myself. And then get into what I was supposed to be doing on Sat. 

I'm really starting to think that working Tuesdays again, as was put to me last week, is a good thing. At the moment it seems like I've got no control over the work area as I'm only there 3 days. This other guy is just fucking around while the work builds up more and more to impossible levels. A forth day would help a lot to alleviate that situation. 

Also he factory manager (the one that gave me all that trouble last year over days off and put me through hell over it) has been fired. He was a big reason for the 3 day week in the first place to address the conflict over my days off after I was out of hospital, to see various doctors. Now that he's gone, the way seems open to a more flexible working environment. Without the angst if I do need to have time off. It's almost to the point now that it's more stressful to work only 3 days as the work build up itself is getting so bad. 

Pictures from New Zealand

Some interesting pictures Simon has bought back from his brief trip over to Christchurch, New Zealand. 

Christchurch was severely damaged in the earthquake last year. Much of the city centre is fenced off and many big buildings are waiting to be torn down as the foundations are no good now.

These are what they're doing as a temporary thing for the city centre. Made out of empty containers. Is quite well done I thought.

They went on a trip out to a little town Akaroa, east of Christchurch. A coastal town in a large sea inlet. The scenery around there is stunning. Australia is beautiful in a stark sort of way, New Zealand is beautiful with the luscious greenery that comes from volcanic soil.

 In the above you can see the rushing water as the tide goes out. The inlet is narrow and a lot of water moves with the changing tides.



Friday, 2 March 2012

More overtime

Am working again tomorrow (Sat). The second week in a row. The work has piled up so much. It turns out the agency bloke is doing afternoon shift at our work Wed-Fri, after working a full day somewhere else before getting there. Basically a double shift for 3 days in a row, on top of doing days on Mon-Tues at our work. He's getting rather tired I'd say, and isn't doing much at all on some of the nights he works. Just coming in and having a rest. The dept head asked me today about adding an extra day (Tues) to my week when it's busy like this. It sounds good to me at the moment. I've never seen so much work backlogged in Print waiting to be cut. In 13 years there I've never worked overtime 2 Sat's in a row on cutting.

Simon has arrived back in Sydney from New Zealand today. Just having a quiet night in as I'm tired and it's raining. 

Thursday, 1 March 2012

A wonderful reaction

I've recently gotten back into contact with a sister in New Zealand. We used to write the occasional letters back and forth, but fell out of contact for (must be) nearly 5 years I reckon. She got my email via a chance meeting with the only other person who has emailed me from NZ; my oldest brother's wife. 

We've done the usual hello and various chit chat things last few months. I spend half my life online, but evidently in NZ they don't. Dunno what it is about the internet and NZ, it just doesn't seem to get used by as many people over there. Or maybe it's the typing thing. I (very progressively at the time) spent six months in high school learning how to type. Typing just wasn't done by blokes back then, they weren't even electric. I think it was an elective I took, and me and a couple of other boys were the only males in there. It was the first year the high school had offered typing to boys. The room was filled with manual typewriters, and part of learning to type was about how to press the keys with enough pressure to make an image on the paper.

Anyway, I felt it was time she knew more about me than just the chit chat. In reality we'd not shared much of each others lives in decades. So I sent her the link to my blog. She didn't know that I'd jumped the fence, or that I had HIV. I had no idea of what her reaction might be. So I was very interested to open the reply when it came. Um, I won't correct the spelling, apparently that's how Kiwis email!
thankyou so much for sharing your life with me. i love you so much and you have me on your side supporting you. im here if you need support even just to talk to someone. simon sounds like a soul mate for you and im so glad you have found him. i have considered suicide a couple of times but havent succeded . a real close male friend of mine jumped off paritutu and died. i can now understand how my family would feel if a had managed to be with mum. i cant stop thinking about him the good times and how things could have got so bad. i wish i could be with you as a sister and a friend . you have been through so much and in my heart i so want to see you again.i will save up and come to you for a while just to be there with you and be together . i am so over the moon that you have entrusted me with how you are living. you have my heart and i am proud to say you are my brother.all my love to you please contact me asap as every time i hear from you is so precious even before i read your blog all my love your sis _____
What a wonderful reaction...