"Killing the past and coming back to life"

Music has always been a huge source of emotion and support for me my whole life. Sometimes you can hear a song many many times, but no quite get what it's on about. You just know you like it. Then one day the thing explodes in your head, full of meaning and relevance to your life. Finally you get the song. Last night was one of those times for me.

The last months have been a difficult time socially. It has involved losing a friend who I thought was one, but finding out others who were very much so. I was angry and upset at the betrayal of the one who professed their friendship for me whilst hurting me deeply and putting me last. It was worse than a stranger doing it as this guy was part of my social world at the time. I just couldn't understand how a so called friend would treat me so badly. In the end however I ended the so called friendship and moved forward on my own path.

He himself wasn't able to understand my perceived abandonment of him, couldn't see why I was moving on, without him as part of my life any more. Whether he wasn't used to people doing that to him I don't know and don't give a fuck. In the end, even if he couldn't see it, the friendship was no good for me and was hurting me on many levels. Whether he understood or not it was time for me to leave him behind.

I dunno if this was playing a part in how I was feeling last night; pretty horrible. Alone and depressed, like that grating feeling of getting dragged through gravel. Went to bed early as had just had enough of the day. Lay there feeling horrible. Simon rang and we chatted. I didn't let on though about how bad I was feeling as he's having his own problems up there. Later I thought I would listen to some music to see if that helped. Kept flicking through songs on the MP3 player, and came across this one that I've liked for years but hadn't listened to in years either:

The MP3 player has a very clear sound, and I have those ear canal plugs that are excellent. So for the first time I started listening to the words. The song is from the album "The Division Bell", and much of the music on it is about the conflict the band Pink Floyd were having with their ex-member Roger Waters. The words were very inspiring and exactly how I felt.

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
'Cause the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

After all, this is my own journey.