I have made a major life decision. This has flowed from the last two or three days being immersed in music that had me consider my current situation in a new and very fresh way. It's a decision that I reckon I've been moving towards for some time, but today I made it an official decision for my life. It may be a very wrong decision for other people in their lives, but for me it's the right one.
I'm so glad I'm able to completely open myself to ideas outside my conscious thinking. But I guess that's where I am in life. For me life is about way more than just the everyday physical existence. For me it's about my deepest feelings and emotions. About human relationships. About the life that springs from such things, good or bad/hard or soft. It's about where those feelings and emotions take me, and how it all interacts with the people around me. It's about my life and feelings, and about theirs. This decision is about me.
Have decided to terminate all relationships in my life that are toxic to my mental and overall well-being. The catalyst of course was this friendship of which I recently terminated. That experience has shown me that my own journey and life is more important than foolishly hanging on to a friendship or relationship that isn't worth the effort. Or indeed is nothing but a cancerous sore on my being. It's time to kill the past.
This includes all those in my immediate family who have spent my whole life hurting me. I've tried so hard over the decades to be accepted by them, but all it's led to is tears. My tears. Enough! Today I'm ending it. I will not make any more effort. I won't be hurt by them any more. I've had enough of that pain, and I will not revisit it. There are only two people who have shown any kindness and compassion to me, and I cling to those two as all the family I have now; my sister here in Sydney, and my other sister in New Zealand who has recently been emailing me with much support. The rest of them are dead to me now. I'm killing the past.
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