Monday, 26 December 2011

Holding on to music

Christmas is over, thank fuck. Had a very quiet day at home on my own. Suppose could have gone out but really don't think it've been fair on other people. I just wasn't good company yesterday, better off simply being alone. No mood to celebrate anything. Looks like it's always going to be a day of sadness for me. 

Watched a bit of telly last night before bed. Couldn't sleep till late as the pubs were all closed and couldn't get a beer. Was incredible yesterday, absolutely everything was shut. Evidently you aren't allowed to have fun on Christmas day. I wasn't that fussed though as to be honest didn't even feel like socialising at the pub. On TV it wasn't too bad as they've got the extra digital channels now, not like the bad old days when every fuckin channel had Christmas crap on it. Watched a thing called Megastructures, which I thought was quite interesting, and a very funny thing from England called The Royles, a total piss take of Christmas get togethers. Laughed a lot during that one. First time I'd had the telly on in a week, was quite a novelty.

My mouth is feeling much better this morning. It's been very sore the last few days, and I ended up with mouth ulcers. Have been gargling with that special antiseptic mouthwash that I got from the chemist. Like I've said have gotten mouth ulcers all my life, think it has to do with stress or something. I'd guess the lead up to, and including, Christmas day has had something to do with it. Just so glad the day is over now.

Have dropped a bit more weight because last few days has hurt a lot to eat with the mouth the way it was. One day there all I had was some cake and even that hurt like hell. Even the blueberries were stinging the fuck out of it. Have dropped another 2 kilos. That makes a total of about 5 kilos (11 pounds) in the last 3-4 months. I had the Yellow Slime Disease as well during that time. I Don't feel bad for it, but I'd not want to keep losing it like that as I'm not heavy anyway. Only 65 kilos now (143 pounds).

Came across an excellent quote this morning. Woke up early at 6 and couldn't go back to sleep, so read some of the book on the bedside table. Hardly ever read, am trying to get back into it as they tell me I should re-develop my interests. Usually I just end up sitting there sort of paralyzed and staring into space. But anyway made the effort. Daughter bought the book for me a while back, all about U2, this chapter about Bono growing up. 

It's very interesting as he talks about the effect music was having on him during very difficult times:
Much later, when I was about fifteen, I remember going into a bit of a tormented teenager phase. One of the things that really would still my soul was playing piano. I couldn't actually play it but I used to put my foot on the pedal and hit keys and I remember how the room would change shape, because the note would get this cloud of reverb around it, become cathedral-like. I remember those icy notes at the top of the keyboard really made me feel better. I think I have held on to music very tightly while my head was exploding.
U2 By U2

I can't play anything, but there's no doubt that music has had a huge effect on me. Particularly when times have been bad. I does change things. It has helped me get through. It can represent my feelings sometimes as nothing else can. It can take me to another place away from the abyss. It can move me at the deepest levels. 

And sometimes it's just fun to listen to. 


  1. Hi Peter,
    I'm Tom, one of Dave's friends from Milwaukee. I am one of the "Friday lunch bunch" guys. I just started reading your blog tonight 12/29. OMG !!!!! Priscilla.......... LUV IT !!! Hang with us Peter! It does get better.
    BTW, Have Dealt with depression all my life as well and was married twice so have grown children too.
    Was hospitalized once and was pretty much like you describe in your post. Kind of "comatose"

  2. Welcome to my world Tom. Pleased to meet you :)

    Yes it does get better, I'm just waiting for the train wreck to end.