S asked me the other day, when I was talking to him about the book I'm reading; where a preacher knows early on in his life that he is gay and spends years struggling against it.
Sexuality is such a complex thing. I had a gay experience early on when I was 17 in New Zealand, but for whatever reason didn't pursue it. My wife and I later on here in Australia really loved each other too. I'm still dealing with loosing her as we both felt so strongly for each other. Love I'd say isn't restricted to simply what sex or orientation you are, but about the person. We had very intense sex as well, until she slowly got more and more sick. We both enjoyed each other immensely.
I asked my psychologist about this the other day, in the end he said it doesn't matter what was going on with my sexual orientation back then as we both loved each other and that was what was important. That now I find sex with men so enjoyable surely must mean I had something going on there that I wasn't addressing or recognising is my view on it.
"Gay" can be such a limited label at times, there are so many shades of gray. People can get hung up with labels, trying to define everyone into specific little categories. I think sexuality is far more complex than that.
In any case, I do presently feel the most comfortable I ever had about who I am and my sexuality. S takes that to mean that yes I have been gay all my life. Maybe he's right, I dunno. I guess again it doesn't really matter. The fact that I'm not hung up on labels and sexuality means that I've found someone who I love deeply; another man.
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