Anxiety

This is a bad time of year for me. For most it's a happy season, and down here also involves the summer holidays along with Christmas and new year. There is a festive atmosphere in the community, and people are happier as they take time off work, be with family, and go on trips away for vacation. But for me it's a time of dread and fear, as it reminds me constantly (including some significant dates) of the pain I experienced during those times in years past. While others made merry, I was having my heart ripped out. 


And so this I guess was the reason for the anxiety I experienced the other day. Already they've got the Christmas decorations up in the shops. Already I'm being reminded of those dark times..... My wife carted off to hospital on Christmas day, coming home a few days later only to have the stroke on new years eve, going back to hospital in a drama of ambulance officers in her bedroom while she cried (unable to talk) knowing she was going back there. She never came home again. My daughter leaving me the following Christmas full of hate and rebellion, tearing my insides out. My best friend killing herself in Jan last year. My daughter dragging me into court Feb last year 2 weeks after the suicide. One month later finding out I was HIV+....  No, this is not a happy time of year for me as I tend to spend it reliving memories of unimaginable pain.


Sometimes I look at what I've been through and wonder how the fuck I'm holding it all together now. Last year I in fact didn't; as I've written here before I underwent a mental collapse lasting about 9 months, 6 of those touch and go as to whether I killed myself or not. Nearly didn't make it. I'll never be the same person again I was, and am still recovering from the experience. The pain beyond words that drove me to it still haunts. I've learned to live apart from it, the pills help me to separate myself from it and not address it, but it still there lurking in the background; the pain monster. I fear this time of year it will attack once more. Anxious. The pain has a life of its own beyond my control. I want to keep it away, but get scared at times I can't. 


Withdrew in on myself the other day just before S was leaving. Had recovered somewhat the next day for the goodbye, but S could see the change in me just on that one day. For me it felt like I was falling out of control, worried, sick of hurting, not wanting to go back there again. Not wanting the monster to slash again with its claws. I've had enough of it, way more than I could bear. I can't live again through endless attacks, I won't....  I cried that bad day for a bit; cried simply because it was hurting again. 


My psychologist wrote me a thing for the recent court case I was in with the police. I read that again and cried. Fucks sake, no wonder I get anxious and scared of not holding it together:

I found this online about PTSD. 
Post traumatic stress disorder



Fucks sake, I'm fucked! To get over it you should "face and feel your memories and emotions" it says. How can I do that when they're too painful? When if I do so I end up in a half hour crying episode from the depths, gasping for breath and a panic attack.


Will be discussing all of this with my next psychologist visit.