Short tempered, no patience

Short tempered, no patience, that's the take I have on myself at the moment. Have been trying to get also a reason from my head. I haven't any patience for people who shit on me, whether they be current friends or slight acquaintance's. I will tell all to fuck off out of my life. I don't need their shit, I don't want their shit, and I will not have their shit.


Have been through enough. Will not cop more. Treat me right, or fuck off. I don't need your "friendship"; your shit that you chose to dish me. I need close friends. Those who understand me. 


Why the fuck am I like this?


Top of the list I suppose would be that I'm stressing about court next week. Likely shouldn't, but that's just the way my head is right now.


Other than that I dunno. Just have the shits with people who feel it is their fucking right to have a go at me, for their own selfish small world view.


They can all get fucked. They will be out of my life. I don't want them. I don't have to have them. 


It's me and my head, and real friends who really fuckin care. Nobody else. 


NOBODY

S to the rescue?

This is starting to get a bit scary. It's been 2 or 3 days now. I'm "going into myself" as S has put it. It's the court date next week that's doing it. Am scared of it. This is the third time in 2 and a half years. Just want to be home; the walls around me, safe. 


It makes me worried about what I face, dumbfounded at what I have gone through already. Doubting I can face more. 


Wondering how the fuck I'm still alive. All that adversary already. How did I ever get through that? How will I ever get through this?


Have survived against the odds. Skin of my teeth. When I put the plastic bags on my head, I hoped that there'd be some hope...


Now I fear this is just too much again. 


S is saying he's coming down sooner now. I hope so. I could really use the support.

The story

S loved it. But anyway I'm not holding my breath. The three of us are 1,000 km's apart from each other.


Feeling a bit strange tonight. Think am worrying about court more as it gets closer. Really quite scared. Not an easy thing to go up against the police. Week after next it is.

Will and Grace?

J is moving in over the next few days. She is really pleased to get out of where she is now for a number of reasons. I think we'll both be easy to live with, not uptight about crap, so glad to have someone I know coming and not interviewing people from an add put in the paper. We were joking last night that we might be the new Will and Grace (from the TV sit com). Doubt it but what a laugh. The parallels are there.


The room has been mostly cleared, but still rather a large amount of rubble remaining. Mostly junk I will chuck it. Ex flatmate D came by early yesterday to tidy the last bit up, but we sort of got distracted.... Neither he nor I had had any drugs since he was last here. Me I just can't be bothered if it's not around, and I can't afford it. He has had some sort of family intervention interstate and gotten off the Ice. Certainly a good thing as he was taking it like mad in Sydney. Also he'd not had sex in 3 or so months (OMG! - the poor man!).  


So he comes around early Fri morning with some Ice and tells me I'm going to be a couple of hours late for work. I ring work and say bloke has turned up to get stuff out of room and will be about two hours late. Put porn on in bedroom, we have ice, and a mad sex session. It was really hard to leave for work, we could have gone on all day and both wanted to. I finally had a story for S!


I was surprised, after all the angst over the last months, the arguments over his idiot young fuck he had here with him, and his stuff stored for free in my place for nothing. Then after time apart we get together and the sex is like nothing at all has changed; it's still great, still new, still exciting. 


I've told him he's welcome to come and visit for a bit anytime, or for an afternoon, to escape the interventionists! It is good he's off the drugs and all, he was starting to go a bit nutty there in the end. But the odd bit now and then is surely better than getting right back into it. He's really interested in S too.... And S would fuck anything that moves. I see a threesome on the cards here at some stage....

End of an era

*sigh*  No stories for S, no sex from ex flatmate. Whaaaaa.........

He does seem to be doing a lot better though. Off the drugs it appears, actually taking steps re his general health. Good to see him again looking so well. Him and his brother have been very busy clearing out the room. I don't think even he realised just how much crap was in there. It was all sort of packed together tightly to fit into the space. He texted me at work that his back was really fucked, and I directed him to the appropriate painkillers in my drawer. There's still lots of rubble on the floor, but I'd say he'll be back today for that.

If for no other reason than to pick up his external hard drive, which my PC has been working it's little heart out transferring porn to it for the last day and a half. I have most of the porn he had when he was living here, plus about 100 gigs of new stuff from me. Really good porn too, no namby pamby shit! Nothing left to the imagination. It seems he's had some kind of porn disaster and lost it all during the last months (*gasp*, terrible!). He handed me a brand new terabyte drive. Up to nearly 600 gigs now and still going. 

Must say it's certainly been a while since that room was empty. Had almost forgotten it was there. Cat used to love jumping up on the windowsill in there and looking at the traffic outside; cat TV. Looking forward to J coming to live here. We're like old friends that have known each other for years. Good when you meet someone like that. That was the worry with me in renting out the room I guess; that I'd have to get on with a complete stranger.

Hi guys

http://www.alphainventions.com/

Past fuck coming to town, picking up his stuff

He says he will arrive earlier than his brother and the truck; tomorrow night in a car. His brother and the truck will be here Thursday (the following day). I have already asked (in the old text meeting language that we did when he was in Sydney) "so is a fuck out of the question?" ha ha. We have fucked often in the past when either of us have texted that. 


I always enjoyed sex with him. He was always exciting, always we went places. And now he's coming back to Sydney to get his stuff; the stuff that I have stored for months here for nothing, very much at my expense. I don't consider I'm owed, was happy to help him out after he saved my life that afternoon. Stopping me from suicide. Am happy now I will see him again; the past fuck. And Oh what a fuck. 


Storing his stuff doesn't compare to what he did, even the inconvenience of losing a few thousand $ in rent over it. So what? I'm still alive today thanks to him. No doubt in my mind had he not turned up I'd have topped myself that day. That was the day I lost 8 hours of memory. I would have killed myself with a bag over my head without even being conscious of it. Anything to stop the pain that had crescendoed . I was out of my mind... insane with pain....


So he's coming tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. If we fuck that would be great. And S would love the story :)

New flatmate

Fuck I'm tired. Worked a 10 hour day today. Panic stations with a folding job for mailing. At least I'll get Tea Money for being asked to work overtime unexpectedly like that. 


Biggest news of the day, old flatmate coming to pick his stuff up out of the spare room this weekend he says, from interstate with a truck. Him and his brother. Hooray!


And I have a new recent friend, from pub, we get on wonderfully. She is the chosen one to get the room. She is also a lesbian so we can sort of relate I guess. Hi J, *waves*.


Big step for me getting someone in again. I'm just not good with people I think. Although it's fine if we're like old friends..... 

Time lapse

Came across this on YouTube. Shows them putting up the stage and all. Pretty amazing.

Another blood test

Got it done today. This is the 2nd on on the meds. Was told to get one done 2-3 weeks before the pills ran out on the prescription. Find out later this month the results. I will be very interested. I think doc is expecting the HIV viral load to be undetectable with present testing methods. I guess it wouldn't be an unexpected result after that first blood test only 3 weeks after the meds started. Fingers crossed.


Already the viral load had plummeted drastically. I continue to feel better and better. Have even put on a couple of kilos. A good thing for me as keeping weight on has been a problem. Couple of people have even said I look really well.

Got hospital records for court

Well what interesting reading that was. The records from hospital Emergency of the night the cops broke two of my ribs, made me suicidal again, accused me of being "intoxicated", took me to Emergency to get me "sectioned" (locked up as a nutter on suicide watch: I wasn't sectioned) and 12 days later charged me with offensive language and resisting arrest.


I wasn't intoxicated as accused. In fact there are no records at all of my blood alcohol reading. I was rather merry, but certainly not "intoxicated". The hospital records only refer back to that as the police told them I was so. IMO I was in fact in a mental state triggered by the cops and made worse by them. I would say they mistook someone with a mental disorder as mine for "intoxication". 


I applied a couple of months ago to get the records released to me of that night in Emergency. Paid $30 for fees. Forgot all about it until talking to solicitor last week who very much wanted to see them. I chased it up on the phone and they were mailed to me in two days, evidently had been misplaced in the system or something. Will go see solicitor with them shortly I think. 


Still getting more nervous about the case. I just hate going to court. I do trust my solicitor though as he is very capable. Has represented me last couple of cases too, got me off big time. He knows my history and has a real personal interest now. Think I'm one of those people where he feels he's very much helping in their lives. I certainly appreciate that.

I got the U2 tickets in the mail!

It is a momentous day!

Apart from all the hype that is U2 anyway, it has been a very very long road for me since last time seeing them. And the songs they've written during that time have been like they're reading my fuckin mind, or know my struggles somehow. They're all my age about, so I guess with general life we may be going through the same things anyway if we have similar priorities? 

Priorities like LOVE being the most important thing. Love for fellow man, but in the case of this last album I think Bono talks deeply about love that many won't understand the lyrics. He speaks to those who are experiencing what he is. Those of us who are know:

I've been in every black hole

At the altar of the dark star

My body's now a begging bowl

That's begging to get back, begging to get back

To my heart

To the rhythm of my soul

To the rhythm of my unconsciousness

To the rhythm that yearns

To be released from control

Much of their music has helped enormously in years past. It is a great pleasure to have the same experienced as someone in life as him; who has had the fortunate life to express it in song across the world. I never ever thought I'd be in this position ever again. 

Thank you S, it's the love I feel for you... And thank you Bono for expressing it so much better than I ever could.

The farewell fuck

Sunday

Saw solicitor last week about the court case. Not far off now, early next month. Starting to get a bit nervous. Am terrible like that with court. Feels like going to a funeral. Still got no idea how much the cost will be. Gave the guy another $1,000 on the credit card. Just wish it was all behind me now. Fuck those assholes.


Really missing S, *sigh*. Never thought would feel so close to someone again.


Rather sick last two days. Sort of really nauseous. I think it's likely too much beer. Rather a lot to drink Thurs night, couldn't get to work. Spent most of the day in bed. Good grief, I suppose this is where I look up the drug rehab place to stop drinking? Fuck that... I think feeling sick and spending too much is plenty of incentive to pull up with it. Yesterday I  had hardly anything. 

HIV acceptance

Got the email today for the next Planet Positive:

I've gone to all of them since finding out about it. This time is at a very good venue, at the Saddle Bar above Midnight Shift. 

I'm in 2 minds though whether to go or not this time. After the episode at the sex club, and the other guy wanting me to go to a drug rehab place over a few fuckin beers, I'm considering giving it a miss this time.

It is good, but lately I'm feeling that having HIV is rather less of a deal than some people make it out to be. Yes it's a serious disease and all, but it's not the end of the fuckin world. I know my reaction on diagnosis wasn't exactly normal though ("the icing on the shit cake") but seriously, some of these guys carry on like they have the death plague. People die from other diseases too, not just HIV. Some seem to consider themselves as deserving of particularly special treatment because they have it. That's not how I feel at all. 

Rather, it's just part of who I am now. Accepted. No dramas. I'm not wanting to be considered any more special than the next person. 

Living together?

I've told him I want to. I don't know what it will all mean for the future but I'm willing to take that risk.


He'll be down again in about a month, and we'll talk more then.