The importance of happiness

At Infectious Diseases it has been asked at times about how things are going overall, and how I'm feeling. Although they're doctors and primarily concerned with the medical aspect of my health, they say that being happy and emotionally positive helps a lot with my medical condition. I've not particularly thought about this much at all, other than simply a notion about mental health and energy; being able to get up for work and participate in life better. 

But after a bit of a look online, it seems being happy goes much further than simply energy levels. It appears to have a direct effect on your physical health as well. Some note in articles that much has been written about the detrimental effects of negative emotions like depression and sadness, but not a hell of a lot about the health benefits of being happy. Of course having a condition such as HIV means this is of much interest to me. Even more so given the horrible mental states I've had to endure in recent years. 

I found this article a good one to read about it:

Findings from a growing body of research suggest that
positive emotions may be a key factor
to sustaining health, including cardiovascular
health, as we age.

PDF 

Now I'm wondering if perhaps my focus has been slightly askew. Perhaps it would be better to actively pursue the whole idea of being happy, as opposed to avoiding depression? The above article gives some interesting pointers that could make small differences in that direction. Certainly something to think about.

It can be, of course, very depressing having HIV. Yet should that stop me from finding happiness? In fact being depressed about HIV will in turn speed the progression of the disease.

Bohemian Like You

I really like this song. Have it on the MP3 player, but haven't seen the video of it for years.

Why I hate the cops

Woke up this morning and my back was aching. On top of it being busy at work, have been cutting thick art board which is a particularly heavy type of stock. A big job, is coming through slowly each day from the digital printers, so is ongoing for a few more days yet. Got up and put my shirt on, but just couldn't go to work. Back and neck really sore. Took some Panadol and lay back down. It helped a bit, settling things down somewhat. Thought about going in late but when the boss rang (he had a new phone and I hadn't got the number yet) he said there didn't seem much point as the work day would be half over by the time I got in. 

Explained what happened. Dunno if he believed me or not, which really shits me. I mean even when I get a doctors certificate he says something like "It's easy to get one of them", like I'm fuckin making it all up. I do all the right things and even then he questions if I was actually sick. Pisses me off even more because he's one of the few at work who know I'm HIV+. Maybe it's because I'm looking healthy now that people forget. The sore back is simply part of recovering too, as the muscles I guess are still coming back to where they were before I got sick. I mean it's not bloody rocket science, he should know that. 

Stopped at the pub after work yesterday, which I guess wasn't the smartest thing to do for getting to work the next day. I always end up having a bit much at that particular pub, oh well shoot me. Not going to get out the whip and flagellate myself over it. It was an enjoyable time there anyway. Word has gotten around the pub about my little episode with the cops the other night and people who I don't even know were saying G'day to me, what a laugh. It's my 5 minutes of fame darlings!

The reason I despise the local cops goes back to 2009 when they took me to court and tried to get my own daughter to testify against me. Long story, but it turned out they had stuffed up their paperwork and her testimony was the only one left admissible in court (they couldn't even use their own arresting officer's testimony). By that stage my daughter just wanted to drop the charges and had tried to do so months before, before it got to court. The cops though wanted none of it and went ahead with it. They just wanted points on the board and didn't give a shit about what happened to me, or what was left of my family. Or that I was suicidal.

It was quite a scene outside the courtroom. My daughter a few metres away being spoken to by a cop who wanted her to testify against me, to hold up their case. She was crying and saying she didn't want to. My solicitor was watching, said "Look at what they're doing. This family's been to hell and back, and just look at what they're doing." A bit later he called her to come into a side room so he could talk to her alone. The cops didn't want him speaking with him, but he put his foot down saying "I can talk to who I like". He then said to her in private that the cops were relying on her as the only witness, and to refuse to testify when in the stand. She had already told the cops she was going to do just that. 

In the courtroom she was called into the stand and it was a bit of discussion with the magistrate and solicitors as to whether she was allowed to not testify, as that may be against the court or something. Eventually the magistrate decided that she was within her rights to refuse, and the whole case fell over there and then. Magistrate said the relationship between father and daughter was more important and "the charges are dismissed", much to the embarrassment and angst of the attending police. 

It was that day that I lost all respect for the local police. They were only concerned with the self interested success of their case, even to the point of destroying a father daughter relationship in the process.

"Born This Way"

Daughter gave me the MP3 of "Born This Way". It sounds fantastic.

*Yawn*

Hard to get up this morning for work. A worry as it's only Wednesday. It was because of bad dreams though and not tired already from the working week. Dunno where it came from but honestly it was the most awful dream. Won't go into it all but it's still vivid and crystal clear in my mind even now. So obviously I slept badly because of it, waking up tired.

Got through the day OK after shaking it all off and getting myself out of bed. Another full on day. At least tomorrow I'll get my first full pay on the new rate and will be able to see exactly how much I'm better off.

Couldn't be bothered making dinner after all of that today. Had a bowl of cereal with blueberries. Had a reasonable lunch at work so not a food catastrophe.

Looking to the future

A whole working week where I was there for the whole time. Will therefore get a full weeks pay. I will be interested as to how much more I get (in the hand) after the pay rise last week. I'm estimating about $25, maybe a bit more. Am set on making it another full week this coming pay week. Have no appts for a bit.

Sick of appts and sick of the hospital. I know I should go but the next Renal Clinic one I'm in half a mind just to miss it. It's obvious to me that my kidneys are fine now. An allergic reaction is just that. And I've never had kidney problems before this. But yes I will go, don't panic people. It's next month sometime. Perhaps if there's more great results I'll ask for a 6 month reprieve from their clinic. I can get pretty bloody persuasive when I want to be. 

It's the Infectious Diseases clinic that has been my undoing these last couple of months, but at least I'm doing the right thing and going; turning up bravely for the tests, news, and ass shot. Luckily I just don't give a fuck what people may think, even though they've been completely lovely and non judgmental at all. Given their lovely attitude I don't think they care at all either, other than simply that it's good that I'm there and being treated. They simply accept that I'm sexually active with a lot of blokes at times, and think nothing more of it. There's no Christian fundamentalists there.

But other than that, I just want to move on from all this hospital shit. It's been a long and dreary episode in my life. Now however I feel fine back at work physically (although I still have mental interferences now and then) and reckon am relatively healthy.

Something that occurred to me last few days, that if I'd not been diagnosed and in my present state of health, I wouldn't even know I had HIV. 

I'd have to mention as well with that, again, not bad for someone who was on the verge of death (twice) beginning of the year. I'd also have to add to it, not bad for someone not even on medication for HIV.

My sister sent me a picture from where I'm from in New Zealand. It's been snowing there off the mountain even. The mountain is Mt Taranaki. A very bloody cold winter down under.

Time to get serious about work

Busy at work today but OK. It was actually sunny here too so no adventures battling to get to work in storms. Having quiet night at home, just making some dinner and going to bed. Don't feel exhausted, just want to make sure I'm well rested for the next day. 

Have decided I have to make a big effort presently to get to work as much as possible. It was one thing to not bother when I was deservedly so still not long out of dialysis, but I really have to make sure I get that full weeks pay now. Got to seriously do something about this fuckin debt.

Simon seems to think it's all very boring, even suggested I do something more exciting with the $1,200 tax return than simply paying off debt. I've no idea where he's coming from with that. Reckoned I should use it for a holiday. I said the money would still be there on the credit card if I needed it, but by paying it there'd be no interest. 

Am really starting to wonder if Simon and I are even on the same page anymore.

Winter survival

Quiet weekend. Uninspiring. Been sleeping, a bit of grocery shopping, couple of beers, nothing spectacular. The cold I had looks like it's fizzled and not a big deal. I take a tablet morning and night of vitamin C, 1,000mg. I'm sure that must help with the winter colds going around Sydney.

It's been very cold here this last week. Not surprising I got a bit of a sniffle going to work early in the mornings in that. Torrential rain, icy winds. It's the wettest July here since 1950 they said. Really heavy rain, constant over hours. Skies very dark, almost like twilight at times. But it looks like I'm surviving it OK. 

It's always a worry in the back of your mind getting some sort of terrible cold in the winter with HIV. Especially with people sneezing and coughing on the buses. The flu shot this year they say has been good, apparently exceptionally accurate this year to the strains that came from the northern hemisphere winter. Have not had any kind of flu at all yet. Looks promising, particularly with the sort of weather we've had here lately.

Policeman

Yesterday afternoon I was extremely tired from work. Got through the whole week (*faints*) and it was full on all week. Even so was getting behind on the work again by the end of the week. By the end of work Friday I was exhausted, felt like I was getting a cold, and just wanted to go to bed. Stopped at the pub nearest home for a couple of beers to relax on the way home and maybe feel a bit better, felt like shit.

Usual crowd there, working people doing the same, beers after work before home. I probably stayed a bit longer than I wanted to as it was soon happy hour at 5 and only $3 beers. Was pretty well ready to go home not long after, just finishing a beer.

Then the police walked in. Eight of them. With a sniffer dog. For no reason whatsoever it appeared, just wanting to bust someone. FFS it was a group of harmless people having drinks after work, and then they come in the the fuckin gestapo. Ugh, what a joke. Not exactly a pub full of criminals, just workers.

I made some smart assed comment. Yes big time crime here. I mean fuck, I'm paying these cunts wages to protect me from real criminals, not come and hassle me after working all day. Of course my comment (can't remember what it was, just some flippant passing thing) attracted their attention, and a cop came over and said I was "intoxicated" and to leave the pub. I said that was fine as I was about to anyway. Started to drink the last bit of beer in the glass before leaving, and he grabbed it off me, spilling some on my front, telling me I wasn't allowed to have that last bit.

Sheesh. Couldn't be bothered with this neanderthal. No point in arguing with them as they'll just charge you with something. "Failing to follow a police directive" is always a good one for them. They can tell you to do any stupid thing, and if you refuse they'll charge you, how fucked up is that! I was tired and shitty and off home, zipped up jacket and beanie on, left peacefully, what a fuckin joke. 

Was very happy though afterwards. I've had run in with the local neanderthal cops here before. I reckon I'd be on some dartboard of theirs at the cop shop. Was pleased I just let it all go, not worth the bother, and subsequently wasn't arrested. A major victory!

Work adventures

Got to work again today, just one more day and pretty much all week there. The fear thing in the mornings appears to have subsided somewhat thankfully, although this morning I found myself very tired and not wanting to get up. Had slept solidly all through the night too. I guess just the build up over the week and towards the end the fatigue gets a bit worse. It's been much better this week at work than usual, I'm sorry to say simply because the immediate supervisor isn't there panicking about nothing. 

It's also been rather an adventure getting to work the last couple of mornings. Sydney has gone back to rain and all, but not just a little bit. Massive full on downpours that last for an hour or so, blowing horizontal from a cold southerly wind. The buses have been late but got there. Yesterday my umbrella nearly carked it after I got off the bus, only I pointed it into the wind and rain and it survived. Nearly all got bent though even that way the wind was so strong. 

Daughter told me this hilarious story last night about her getting to work, she took about 5 steps outside the front door with her brand new $5 umbrella, only to have the wind get it. The whole top broke off and went careering down the street never to be seen again, while she was left holding the handle. She then had to run to the bus stop, pouring rain etc, hands over head. I found the handle next to the front door when I got home before her. Hilarious!

We finally got the wage rise at work. My rate has gone up $2.50 an hour. Next week the back pay. They also have a various range of shoes to look at that they're supplying us with, and the shirts are on display. Crappy looking work shirts but hey that's fine with me, just means I don't have to use my own for work.

Nobody sees our hearts break

We sit alone.....

The world goes on around us, like we're not even there. Not important in it. People only care about their own selfish lives, unwilling to even want to know what we feel. They make their money, they build their world, they think they're doing great, but they don't give a shit about us. They're on their way to somewhere else, they haven't got time to be bogged down.

We sit alone. We take the time to feel our pain. We know this is our lives, and that's OK. Our lives are more than making money, more than making anything. Our lives are those around us that care about us, and we them. Our lives are lives with pain. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Those very personal moments when we sit alone, feeling our pain, letting the tears flow. It's our pain, the sort of thing only us understand. It's important to us as it's part of who we are, and part of how we deal with life. It makes us compassionate and understanding of others. It makes us emotional. It makes us care somehow, although I'm not sure about what.

It's something only we understand. Our hearts break alone.....

*This post dedicated to Lee. Still miss you darling*

When to start HIV treatment again?

Got to the Infectious Diseases appt today and had the check to make sure things had cleared up. Sometimes evidently you can need more than one treatment, but that's supposed to be rare. All this time I've had no symptoms at all. 

The HIV viral load (which I'd kept forgetting to ask) was at 17,000.

Got into a discussion with the doctor about HIV meds and when to start. My thoughts now are that I'd want to wait for as long as I could before taking anything, given my experiences so far of meds. Their view is that it can be started early, but given the complications that can arise from Highly Active Anti-retro-viral Treatment (HAART) they recommend 350 CD4 count as the best time to start. That is where they say the most benefit is gained from treatment, given the risks of treatment. Also a viral load extremely high can be another reason to start.

In my case I started very early, as pretty much a prevention. I was undergoing huge amounts of stress, which could at any time have affected the viral load. I've learnt from experience that stress can have a huge effect. The drugs worked marvelously, absolutely hammered the HIV. Unfortunately I also nearly died from kidney failure. How much of this is directly attributed to the HIV drugs themselves is unknown, as it was the Naprosyn that triggered the allergic reaction. I've little doubt though that had I not been on HIV drugs such a life threatening reaction wouldn't have occurred.

The "student" doctor that was going to interview me afterwards (actually a doctor of 5 years just doing their final exams or something) was called to an emergency so ended up not seeing me.

Overcoming fear

Got to work today, the first work day after that fear episode Friday morning when I didn't go. I woke up after dreaming bad dreams again. Not terrible dreams, but the sort of ones that leave you not wanting to get up and face the world. The cat jumped on the bed as usual when it was time, and I said to it "I feel terrible puss". She proceeded of course to ignore what I said and rub her face against my cheek purring her head off. Typical. Got up and got ready for work and fed her, much to her delight. 

It seems it's the dreams and the way I feel when I wake up after them that are the biggest obstacle with work now. Getting up and getting there after those dreams is hard. I find myself just wanting to lay in bed, the cat keeping me company, and not leave the house. Forced myself up, reminding myself that even an hour or a few minutes at a time was the way to go. My guess was that work would be OK once I got there, and my fear unfounded.

Work wasn't too bad today after all that.The immediate supervisor is on holidays all week and I was left alone in peace without them having a panic attack about every fuckin job in the place. Think I actually got more done.

Tomorrow I have yet another Infectious Diseases appt. It's the one that was arranged 2 or 3 months ago but they told me to keep it and still come in. After the appt I'm going to have a 45 minute interview by a student doctor who needs to study a complex case as part of their curriculum. Am looking forward to it as it sounds like it might be interesting.

Sexuality on display

Just saw this online. I think it's absolutely lovely. 

All the pics

A beautiful expression of sexuality. 

And there's nothing wrong with that. 

In some ways I reckon in the olden days, people were strangely able to portray their sexuality more easily than today. There was no uniform way to dress for example, as there is today. Different people dressed (in London at least) according to their position in society. I mean there were even blokes running around in wigs, make up, and very feminine looking clothes. All with the decorative trimmings, sometimes I reckon a bit overdone, he he.... Very unlike the clothing of the scum workers.

They don't do that now. Anyone who slightly veers from the normal accepted dress uniform of the Capitalist Captains (expensive black suit, lovely white shirt, short hair, brain dead sort of looking) is instantly labeled as a poof. Even if they wear a baby blue shirt, or god forbid, pink! 

There's no opportunity in this present Capitalism it seems, to stray from the pack. But people (although only the rich and of more privilegedly placed) in the past appeared to be able to do that with ease. Simon was telling me that in London where he grew up, people were very open to the idea of gay guys. 

He recalls a thing his mother used to say about Australians, from the things she'd heard from the Australian gays back then, who fled the country for a more accepted life in London. "They just come up to you, and call you a poofta right to your face!". she used to say, shocked at the abrasiveness and homophobia in Australia back then. She was hearing some of the stories Australian guys in London were telling people of their experiences growing up in Australia back then, and being gay.

In fact the leader of the Greens party here (not to get political but just to use a prime example) Bob Brown, was given shock treatment (in the 1970's) here to try to cure him of being gay. It wasn't until he sought professional help in England that he came to terms with his sexuality. He's now in  gay relationship with a guy, always being open about his sexuality, The party got 15% of the vote in the last Federal election here.

A bit of luck with the $

Went and got my tax done at the tax agent down the road. Doesn't take long when you have all the paperwork ready. And he just does it on a computer and it comes up with a magic number at the end. Pleasingly this year I'm getting back $1,200. Should take a couple of weeks to go into my account.

I had all the usual deductions, including over $130 a quarter for union fees. Getting quite expensive that one, but it's worth it in the end (especially considering the 4% wage rise this year negotiated with the company by them). Laundry for washing work clothes, and a bit for the mobile phone making calls to work on it (that must be when I text saying I won't be in!).

The biggest thing however was because I'd got so much less money from work this year, I'd paid way to much tax on some superannuation I cashed in last year, and got pretty much all of that back. 

I will of course pay it straight onto the credit card debt as soon as it arrives in my account. No partying with that lot. Simon joked that I was finally worth knowing now. I said that perhaps I won't have to sell my ass after all!  :)

We are finally getting the 4% pay rise this coming week it seems. It's taken ages for the agreement to be perused by Fair Work Australia and signed off on as a legal document. But it's all been done and is now simply up to the company, they are saying this pay. Then the week after, the back pay to Jan, which we all fought for in the negotiations. They initially flatly refused to back pay us to Jan (when the previous agreement ran out) blaming us for the slow progress. When a strike was imminent though they caved, and we got it. It's taken so long for it all to go through the legal channels and be signed, they're looking at about 6 months back pay now. Dunno how much I'll get, if anything, though as I wasn't there for 2 months. Will be interesting to see.