I nearly died again, new years edition

This time was worse than last. It was the most horrifying experience. I got out yesterday, and going today for a four hour dialysis. Went in 2nd, thought was only in a few days but in for 12. Delirious for much of it. Had no idea how very sick I was. Only ended up typing something on the plastic brain last couple of days as that's about when my head cleared up enough to do so. Huge amount of convincing the doctors to let me go, in the end I'd had enough and was going to sign myself out if they didn't agree; what I went through mentally in there IMO was affecting my physical health.


On the positive side my head is coming back, although a bit slow for my liking. Am having trouble thinking of words still and recognising  familiar objects. Evidently because of the lake of oxygen that happened in the brain. Doctor indicated that my progress was good in that respect, as he'd seen people in ICU go through such things and not recover at all in the end.


This I wrote last couple of days in hospital:



Skirting the edge of the abyse. 13th Jan, 2011


I ended up back in hospital again. I don't remember at all what happenened. Evidently I missed a dialysis appointment and went unconscious at home, lying the wrong way on the bed in my undies. Dialysis called my daughter who came around home and found me so, she called the ambulance, and I spent about a week in ICU in total delirium. Don't remember much of it at all. Was admitted on the 2nd Jan, looks 99% likely will be home tomorrow. I thought I'd only been in here a few days but it's been 11.


The opinion is that my kidneys were of bad performance, and even though I was keeping a good eye on the amount of fluid I was drinking (coffee, water, fizzy drink) it was still too much. Crips, I dunno how a single litre a day can be too fuckin much, but looks like yes. The good news is that during this stay in hospital my urination has increased substantially, indicating some improvement in kidney functions.


But apart from that good news it's all bad. I've never had such delirium before. It lasted for days, the most unpleasant experience. I couldn't distinguish between reality and dreams, thought the dreams were entirely real at the time. Like living in a nightmare. All I wanted to do was to go home to familiar surroundings. In the last month I've been thrown from a world of relative health to a world of machines and near death, and I'm not coping with it at all. The depression is skirting. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get back to work beginning of next month too.


Simon is at my place and is visiting the hospital every day. It makes me feel worse that he's at my place without me there. I want to go home even more and hold him at night. I dunno why he's even bothering with me in my current state. I guess he must really like me. It's good to have had someone come in every day like that. You really find out who your real friends are in situations like this. Other acquaintances via the pub have just texted and that's it, not even bothered to come in for 10 minutes FFS!


Also my daughter decided to move back into the spare room that I booted J out of; she just came out and said "I'm moving back in, you’re too sick". The whole thing really shook her up. Fuck knows how this is all going to work out. I only hope she's grown up substantially since she last lived at home and dragged me into court over an argument that it took 2 to tango. I just couldn't deal with at all if things went haywire again. That in fact was the last straw that instigated my 9 month mental collapse in 2009, and the 6 month period of near suicide. The HIV+ diagnosis was largely irrelevant giving the shit I'd been thrown already.


I'm scared. Scared of what may happen next. My health has plummeted into the depths in a very short time, completely unexpectedly. Am now worried about the future...


The main kidney doctor told me today that whether I go back to work or not depends on if my kidneys recover. This may be a big turning point in my life, involving going on disability benefits and/or retraining. Have worked pretty much full time all my working life. Lifting 3 tonnes of paper a day may not be an option anymore. After all I am nearly 50 anyway.


Found out I was near death again 14th Jan


I only found out yesterday. D rang from Melbourne. He’d been there on the day I was admitted into ICU. I had a breathing tube down my throat and there was a bit of a discussion about the possibility of pulling the plug. If so the decision would have had to been made by my daughter as that’s what’s in my Will; I’ve given her the power to make that decision as I don’t want to be left a vegetable kept alive by machines.


D was yelling. “It’s not your time to go yet”. I was largely unresponsive. Don’t remember any of it. I had no idea things were so bad, even worse than the first time it appears. No wonder my daughter freaked out and decided to move back in.


I’m going home today. There’s slight bits and pieces to do with my heart that they are a bit worried about, but after 12 more days of hospital hell I have convinced the doctors that it’s in my mental and physical health to go home. And this has been even more hellish than the first time. Just can’t describe how horrible the delirium was; not knowing what was real or what was imagined/dreamed. Trapped in a nightmare for a week. I never want to go through this again.


Where is this going to end? I wanted a new beginning; instead I get a new club into the ground. I’ve had enough.


Perhaps it’s still early days yet. . . .