The perils of depression

There was a bit of worry about me yesterday. In dialysis they suggested a few dancing girls on the Sat session to cheer me up, and when seeing my GP later on he put his hand on my shoulder at the end and wished me well. The depression seems to be increasing, or at least continuing on the same severe level. 


There's things that happen in such a state. One of the biggest is the lack of inspiration, about anything. Nothing inspires. Nothing thrills. Nothing interests. Everything seems quite pointless and meaningless. I suppose this feeds into the thoughts of suicide that sometimes happen in such a mental state, being that life seems particularly pointless and meaningless.


There's also the pain that you constantly seem to be in. The emotional pain lurking just below the surface, often finding yourself holding back tears. You've had enough, you've tried enough, felt like you've done enough, all you can. But it's not enough, you have to do more, endure more pain, go on through more hardship and strife. You have to find more within yourself when you know there's no more to find. You're empty, used up. This causes more grief, more pain, to realise  you're in such a hopeless situation. 


Socially you withdraw. Being around people becomes an effort, even people who previously it wasn't. Being alone is much preferable to putting on a mask and trying to act happy. At least alone there's no need to act, no need to pretend, no effort to make. At least you're being real about how exactly you feel. Consequently you don't want to go anywhere, just stay at home.


And so things all flow into each other, combine into one big mess.