Pink Slime; pet food for humans

OMG, utterly revolting:

As someone concerned about the quality of food I eat, particularly as I have a potentially fatal disease, this cannot be good. 

Changed life

Was contacted by someone this week who has only just been diagnosed as HIV+. It wasn't really that long ago for me either, being 2009, but today it seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened. So much has changed. A roller coaster ride filled with unexpected twists and turns. But in all this there's been huge support services there to help me along the way. I think it's the way you approach having HIV that makes the difference to many of the outcomes when faced with challenges. 

To be honest, I can't even imagine what it would be like being negative now. Being positive has changed who I am. It changes relationships. Plans. 

For anyone who's just be diagnosed this may be a useful link:

http://www.positivelife.org.au/newlydiagnosed 

Work went well this week. The dept head is thinking of having a chat with HR as there doesn't seem to be much of a reason for me to not work 4 days every week now. I'm handling the work fine. Yesterday I'd have lifted 4 tonnes over the course of the day. Tiring but nothing unexpected. Back is a bit sore as the Shingles have made a slight appearance again. Only one spot, following the line of the nerve near the other faded marks on my ass. Making my lower back a bit sore, but again nothing spectacular.

The agency bloke who was doing Monday and Tuesdays, got the shits and spat the dummy when I worked Tuesday the week before. So he's told the agency he's not coming in any more as he had the shits about it. WTF? He's only a casual. The place is under no obligation to keep him on 2 days. And he was useless in the end anyway, doing only about half the work expected of him, and getting paid more than me at casual rates. Must have cost the company a fortune having him there. 

And he was incompetent. He tried twice to change the knife on the guillotine (about a half hour job that gets done twice a week) and both times it took him about 2 hours and he had to get the other bloke there to help him as he didn't know WTF he was doing. I said the next day when I got in that he shouldn't be doing it if he didn't have a clue, and that he should have got the other permanent bloke there to do it for him. It's not something you do if you have any doubts. It's a metre long heavy steel blade as sharp as a razor. If you dropped it it'd slice straight through your hand.

So anyway they're getting another bloke from the agency in now. He's fine.  

A decision: Taking control

I have made a major life decision. This has flowed from the last two or three days being immersed in music that had me consider my current situation in a new and very fresh way. It's a decision that I reckon I've been moving towards for some time, but today I made it an official decision for my life. It may be a very wrong decision for other people in their lives, but for me it's the right one. 

I'm so glad I'm able to completely open myself to ideas outside my conscious thinking. But I guess that's where I am in life. For me life is about way more than just the everyday physical existence. For me it's about my deepest feelings and emotions. About human relationships. About the life that springs from such things, good or bad/hard or soft. It's about where those feelings and emotions take me, and how it all interacts with the people around me. It's about my life and feelings, and about theirs. This decision is about me.

Have decided to terminate all relationships in my life that are toxic to my mental and overall well-being. The catalyst of course was this friendship of which I recently terminated. That experience has shown me that my own journey and life is more important than foolishly hanging on to a friendship or relationship that isn't worth the effort. Or indeed is nothing but a cancerous sore on my being. It's time to kill the past.

This includes all those in my immediate family who have spent my whole life hurting me. I've tried so hard over the decades to be accepted by them, but all it's led to is tears. My tears. Enough! Today I'm ending it. I will not make any more effort. I won't be hurt by them any more. I've had enough of that pain, and I will not revisit it. There are only two people who have shown any kindness and compassion to me, and I cling to those two as all the family I have now; my sister here in Sydney, and my other sister in New Zealand who has recently been emailing me with much support. The rest of them are dead to me now. I'm killing the past.

Has been a long time since I've felt making such a right and true decision for myself. A long time since I've cared so much about my own life to do so. It is empowering. I'm now taking hold of my life and controlling it, instead of being victimised by my circumstances. It's now my choice who may or may not inflict pain on me. I have chosen to be in command, instead of in hell.

Lost in the music

I haven't been able to have the song that I posted the video of yesterday, stop in my head. In fact it has consumed me today; the words, the understanding. ... It's to the credit of the artists who took part in the song that it has gone to my core. They have described my situation of late precisely, and have expressed the mood involved even in the music itself. 

I've always liked Pink Floyd, but it's been much of their earlier work which has gotten my attention. Dark Side of the Moon, and Wish You Were Here. The Wall. After Roger Waters left I thought it was just sort of farting around without all of them together to inspire each other in the creative process. But now it's like this album is something that I've never listened to before. It has such huge meaning for me now. Such a message for life. It's like they walked into my head and wrote shit about it. I've listened to it on the sound thingo tonight instead of the MP3 player. There's something about a room being filled with music that is entirely different than listening with earplugs, no matter how good they are.

I'm on a ride. A music ride. Am going through the motions of work and living, but right now I'm consumed by their music and the ideas they have bought up in that album, The Division Bell. 

I dunno where this ride is taking me. I've just got on it to see where I go. An artist that works in such a way as Pink Floyd will no doubt recognise my condition right now. But I'm on this journey alone. Right now this music and where it might take me is everywhere. Daily living is just an emotion to go through. A predictable one. Nothing to worry about. The emotions stirred in me by this music aren't normal but of a landmark nature. I will be changed by this experience, I'm just not sure exactly how. This is big.

My life is about experience.....

This also off the same album. An instrumental called Marooned. Haven't looked into it yet, but to me right now this music expresses how I feel in those times that I was isolated from the community. Those times when the pain was so bad that all I could do was sit at home with the curtains shut for the whole day, too horrified and scared to leave. Sitting alone, no TV on, staring into space, paralysed emotionally and physically. Marooned on an island not of my choosing. This instrumental captures that mood, that feeling, perfectly.

  

"Killing the past and coming back to life"

Music has always been a huge source of emotion and support for me my whole life. Sometimes you can hear a song many many times, but no quite get what it's on about. You just know you like it. Then one day the thing explodes in your head, full of meaning and relevance to your life. Finally you get the song. Last night was one of those times for me.

The last months have been a difficult time socially. It has involved losing a friend who I thought was one, but finding out others who were very much so. I was angry and upset at the betrayal of the one who professed their friendship for me whilst hurting me deeply and putting me last. It was worse than a stranger doing it as this guy was part of my social world at the time. I just couldn't understand how a so called friend would treat me so badly. In the end however I ended the so called friendship and moved forward on my own path.

He himself wasn't able to understand my perceived abandonment of him, couldn't see why I was moving on, without him as part of my life any more. Whether he wasn't used to people doing that to him I don't know and don't give a fuck. In the end, even if he couldn't see it, the friendship was no good for me and was hurting me on many levels. Whether he understood or not it was time for me to leave him behind.

I dunno if this was playing a part in how I was feeling last night; pretty horrible. Alone and depressed, like that grating feeling of getting dragged through gravel. Went to bed early as had just had enough of the day. Lay there feeling horrible. Simon rang and we chatted. I didn't let on though about how bad I was feeling as he's having his own problems up there. Later I thought I would listen to some music to see if that helped. Kept flicking through songs on the MP3 player, and came across this one that I've liked for years but hadn't listened to in years either:

The MP3 player has a very clear sound, and I have those ear canal plugs that are excellent. So for the first time I started listening to the words. The song is from the album "The Division Bell", and much of the music on it is about the conflict the band Pink Floyd were having with their ex-member Roger Waters. The words were very inspiring and exactly how I felt.

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
'Cause the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

After all, this is my own journey.

Investigating Windows 7

Had a very quiet day at home yesterday. Didn't even go to get groceries or anything. Just stayed home and watched telly. Also finished installing all the shit on the new PC. Ugh, so boring. I'm impressed though with it. Very fast. Has some dual core thing, evidently that means it can do two things at once or something. All the internet pages load instantly, didn't realise how slow my old PC was making the internet. Video stuff works really well, no problems, can watch everything full screen now with YouTube and all. The old PC I couldn't do that as the image would stop and start, really bloody annoying. Windows 7 seems OK, I'm no fan of having to learn new stuff just to operate the PC, but it's basically the same as Windows XP but with more options and complexity. Was easy to set up the PC at the start, and Windows 7 seems to have all kinds of helpful hints along the way for dummies like me.

Yeah, so now I'm a hip and happening PC man. I'm running Win 7. I'm there.

Think I'm feeling a bit beteer today. Fuck I was getting so sick of taking bloody Panadol (for the Americans, Panadol is a mild sort of headache general pain tablet). It does work, although I have to be patient with it, but it's nothing like the Endone.... *sigh*..... You have to take sort of more than what the label says to get anything out of it when you're feeling really shitty. Think I got a bit of an upset stomach as I've had diarrhoea again this morning. 

Watched a bit of telly last night, I actually enjoyed it a lot. Unusual for me. They had this excellent documentary on the ABC here, brand new series. I was absolutely riveted to it. It's free to air of course, and is available online for nothing for about a month here:

http://www.abc.net.au/iview/#/view/915923 

I tested it with the new orgasmatronic Win 7, and it works marvellously darlings. Full screen and all (full screen is only for hip and happening blokes like me running Win 7 with a dual core though). I assume it would play overseas. Shame if it didn't. Highly recommend it. It's not only incredibly interesting but has wonderful camera work with spectacular Oz scenery. Here is the trailer on YouTube:

 

Not well

I've not been well for nearly a week now. Not massively sick, but the sort of steady drip drip drip that over time is like some sort of mild torture. Sore throat, aching muscles, head and back ache, running nose. Feeling cold all the time today as autumn is here now and it's a cloudy day with no sun. 

Not feeling much like eating but trying to do so. Got on the scales this morning for the first time in a while and weight seems OK, haven't particularly lost anything. Although yesterday I had diarrhoea. It can be hard for me sometimes to keep weight on when I go through a period like this of feeling constantly sick. Yesterday I made a quite good tuna thing, just with pasta and peas and various sorts of flavouring with it. A simple thing. Had some New Zealand cheese with it.

Work last week was a bit of a struggle. Wouldn't you know it, the first 4 day week in months and of course I have to get sick for it. FFS. I survived though. Still got some of the painkillers left from the Shingles, the ones that stopped the pain signals going to the brain. Have been having one of them in the morning before work. They still make me rather vacant in the head though, but I guess I'm not actually thinking when I'm working. It's all very repetitive and boring. 

Am glad of the 4 days off now and not back at work until Wed. Dept head suggested that last week after he'd been talking with HR about me.

Have been up for a bit today and done some washing and dishes. Going back to bed for a while, take some headache pills I think. Maybe read for a bit.    

"Reaction. Twenty Minutes to Live"

My good friend Michelle was on national TV this week as she's in the process of releasing her new book. She said she was very nervous after coming out of the studio, but I think she did really well.

I became interested in Michelle’s story last year, when recovering from the intense allergic reaction to medication. Over the months she spoke to me about the book she was writing and her own experiences with allergies. 

She in the past had had a severe peanut allergy and was constantly in danger of exposure, as the amounts involved to bring on an attack were microscopic. Although she told me about it during these discussions, I had no idea really as the extent of the condition. Not until reading her book. In it she described some of these anaphylaxis attacks. They were attacks that were triggered by unimaginably small amounts of allergen but which sometimes nearly killed her. 

Despite this she was able to become allergy free by following her own path. I was of course interested after my particular episode. It’s not every day an allergy nearly kills you. Getting HIV seems to have affected my immune system into becoming hyperactive. This may reduce I guess when I start meds again, but I certainly don’t want to be allergic to anything else used in treating HIV as my medication options have become limited now. 

So I bought the book. I in fact was the first one to do so, and Michelle signed it for me. It’s an entertaining tail of courage and a journey to find her own path. The importance of living your life true to who you are and in harmony with yourself is a goal we can all share, particularly in living with HIV. 

You can find out more about her book here:

http://www.reactionhq.com.au/

I've also made a separate page for it and may be adding bits and pieces to it every now and then.

 

Trying to get past the shit

Third day of work this week. The four days will be fine I reckon. Am coping with the physicality of it all fine. But they want to ease me in. So that means a 4 day weekend after tomorrow, hip hip hooray! All I got to do is forget about the less money. Daughter too is having less hours that those weeks so money looks a bit tight. Oh what fuckin ever. I just don't care. Life can do to me no more than it's already done. Yes, I'm still waiting for the end of the train wreck, but it just doesn't matter any more. Have had so much to deal with, nothing can hurt any more.

What I don't expect however is to be hurt from people integrally involved in the support of HIV+ people. Last couple of days I've had such a horrible experience with a particular person deeply involved in such. Involved to the point of campaign creation, such like many of the campaigns indicated on the sidebar. Yet this person saw nothing wrong it appears in assuming my character was the worst, jumping to conclusions of the worst, and sending me an email of what I can only describe as on the verge of hysterical. 

I would expect such (on rare occasions) from people not involved in the support of us. But I wouldn't expect it from those who are actually involved with us. I'm gutted. Hurt. I feel terrible. I don't trust some of these people any more. How can they do such a thing to me, who they're supposed to be supporting? All I can think is that for them that it's all about their career in what they're doing, not me. That sucks, big time.. I've had no apology from her. Just a lame little email note, pretty much a form email. It makes me feel isolated and alone.

All this shit is getting in the way of what I really want to post about. But I'm tired, grumpy, and got the fuckin shits tonight. I can't do it justice tonight so it will have to wait. It's to do with a good friend of mine who experienced peanut anaphylaxis for 35 years. Not only survived but is living today with no allergies. She was interviewed on national TV last night about it, and has just released a book of her story. More later when I can, like I said, do her justice in my posting. She and her husband are good friends of mine, and the whole subject is hugely interesting for me given my allergic reaction last year that saw me nearly die twice.

Release

Have been very down today. 

I can't put a finger specifically why. Last night I found myself crying to sleep. It wasn't panic attack crying, just normal. At least now I seem to be able to cry without going into a gasping for breath thing. Crying used to be horrible, as it would just get me closer to the pain.

Last night though I felt rested after it. Went to sleep. Yeah, literally cried myself to sleep.

Dunno why, as I said. Perhaps just a release from the stress of late. The bank thing has been a huge worry. Puss dying. Just sometimes it all gets on top of you I suppose. But to release like that seems sort of natural and needed.

Went to work today and was down all day...

Bank bluff?

Not feeling too well today, nothing major, just have some sort of a head cold. Typical isn't it, just on the day that I work a Tuesday for the first time in I think about 8 months. I just took Panadol for it through the day so it wasn't so bad. The dept head said he'd been talking to the HR lady upstairs and they came to a consensus that I would be gradually bought back into working Tuesdays, starting with every second week for a bit. 

Fine with me, I'm just happy to have a bit of extra money. Has been diabolical working only 3 days. I'm happy not to be at work of course, but I just don't seem to be able to get by on just 3 days a week pay. 

The asshole bank today I was told from the $guru, that they have agreed to wait until the outcome of the application with the bureaucrats in the faceless gov dept in Canberra, before they go any further with any threats or asshole letters. Oh joy I am saved... Well at least they saw reason in the end. Perhaps they were bluffing? They have inferred all along since the first time I went into the local branch to start this whole process, that I was in fact lying; that I evidently had bazillions stashed away in a secret account and that I was simply going through all of this with the sole purpose of ripping them off. I wonder if they thought having HIV was just part of this grand plot against them?

I know they must have people that do try it on with them, but FFS that doesn't mean they should treat genuine people like me as suspect. If they had any humanity they'd have given me the benefit of the doubt. Fuck, my financial counsellor is from and HIV charity. Do they honestly think I'm making this all up?

But no, they go for the jugular right from the start. The factory manager at work that got fired I consider to have been a capitalist thug. I consider this bank to be also. Never mind I've been with them for nearly 30 fuckin years.

I won't name them here for legal reasons. I wouldn't put it past them to sue me for defamation if they found what I wrote here about them. But in the end it's just my experiences with them and what they've done to my head through it all. I will be verbally telling all my friends and whoever asks what a bunch of pricks they are. I closed my normal working account with them months ago over this, like I said after nearly 30 years with them. I will never be going back.

Bank gets heavy

Been stressing since Friday after getting a letter from the bank (the asshole one that has been dragged kicking and screaming to cooperate). They've refused to offer an extension to the compassionate period or whatever it's called, and want to have the money owing paid in full within 30 days. They have however made an offer of a debt settlement of only 70% of the debt, being about $17,000. 

It doesn't make any difference if it's $17,000 or $24,000, I still can't pay it. I mean what do they expect me to do, pull the money out of thin air. I haven't got it, simple as that. You can't get blood out of a stone. I have no assets, nothing except what's in my Superannuation. 

I'm still waiting for that to run it's course. The specialist HIV doctor has written another letter (the third one) which I've forwarded to the $guru. Hopefully this will satisfy the bureaucracy in Canberra and finally I will have the money to settle all this from my Super. It's not my fault (as the bank implies) that it's been 5 months going through all this. Tell it to the faceless people in some gov office playing around with my life.

Thge $guru has emailed me earlier today saying not to worry about court action by the bank if they do go down that path. As long as we are doing everything possible to resolve the matter, then there shouldn't be a problem. 

I don't understand the banks strategy anyway. If they force me into bankrupty they won't get a cent, let alone $17,000.  

Had to get a new PC

I suppose it was soon to happen, have had the old one for about 3 years at least. Used constantly. Only this tiny little noteook thing. It apparently carked itself this morning. I turned it on and it wouldn't boot up or some weird thing. Flashed the blue screen of death before refusing to go any further and shutting itself off. Not long enough to actually read what was on it. Couldn't start in safe mode, any mode, nothing. The thing was way out of date now and by the time I got it fixed I could've bought something way better now. You can get better ones than it now for under $400. So I just gave up on it. Went and got another one. Just a simple little thing, only a bit bigger than the old one. 

It has a dual core, very fast compared to the other dead one. It's heaps easier to type on the keyboard. Hard drive over 300 gigs. It's just a hassle having to install everything into it. Have set Win 7 to "basic" and it's not too bad. They always put in these extra layers of crap to wade through to do the same thing, like that's a better thing. Win XP was great, I miss it already. At least I was able to skip that whole Windows Vista nightmare.

Tragically, I've lost all my bookmarks. Thought I had a file stored somewhere but it seems not. Many of them go back years to when I madly debated stupid conservatives online. Even more tragically I lost some rather good porn movies. I'll suppose I'll have to google the site again where I got the torents from. Lost that bookmark too. Think I may have the registration details in my Hotmail. Wow, am really glad for Hotmail as none of the emails were even stored on the old PC.

Kangaroo steak for dinner

Went and did a bit of grocery shopping earlier. Noticed these that I usually pass by in the supermarket.

Haven't had kangaroo meat for ages. Think I found it a bit hard to cook with the pan I was using back then. You have to cook it on a high heat and fast or it goes tough. It's very lean meat, virtually no fat at all, very healthy for you. I'm going to have boiled potatoes (both sweat potatoes and plain boiling ones) along with carrots with the meat. Will also do a bit of gravy with it.

It's tastes a bit like beef only with a sweet sort of flavour. 

Life with no pet

Never realised just how involved home life was with puss. She certainly was an integral part of the household. Not wanting to get another one as I doubt a kitten growing up would be suited to where I'm living now. Unless maybe if there was a cat that was happy to just live inside. The car park out the back it'd likely get run over very quickly. 

Got up yesterday and today and no puss jumping on the bed to say hello. She used to like getting patted as I sat there waking up and taking my morning pills. Come over and rub her head against me. Even if I was still in bed on the weekends she'd come right up to my face and rub against it. A bit annoying early in the morning. So I'd pat her to fend her off. After a few years she started putting her paw on my face if I stopped patting her in the mornings, like "come on keep going". I'd pat her and she'd take the paw away.

We were very close the cat and I. She used to like being right next to me as well on top of the blankets, and have her belly rubbed. She'd turn her head purring like mad and look at me in appreciation. Then go back to basking in the belly rub. 

Washed her cat feeding bowls this morning for the last time and put them away in a top cupboard. You never know I might use them again one day. Must say I shed a few tears doing it. She'd spent her whole life eating out of those bowls so they were very personal to her. Cleaned the plastic litter box as well. Put it all the the cupboard, along with the cat biscuits and cans left over. Simon's little dog I'm sure will be happy to devour them. 

Printed out a picture from the new printer this morning. Will get a frame and put it on the shelf. Next to the pictures of the other dead people :s

I guess it's going to be easier at least when going away. Won't need to organise anyone to look after it while I'm gone. Will still miss her a lot though. She was such a loving cat and so helpful when I was on the verge of suicide. Won't ever forget this little darling.