Trouble in my head

It was bound to happen. Given my head's condition I'd have been surprised if it didn't.

I've never out and out told my daughter, but the events over the years have seen a great part of my PTSD as a result of what's happened over those years with my daughter. In fact one of the three events that sent me into full on suicide mode for 6 months in 2009 was her at 18 years old having me charged over nothing with "common assault". Now I find with these latest happenings with her, the PTSD being revived somewhat. 

Have been having night after night of nightmares. The sort of ones that leave you feeling just horrible in the mornings. Last night I dreamed specifically, almost like my subconscious was reminding me the coping strategies for PTSD. I was saying to someone about emotional pain, and that you had to sort of step out of yourself and look at what you're feeling in a clinical manner and not emotionally. 

Like, "I notice I'm feeling stress and pain" and letting the pain have it's space. It will have it's space whether I like it or not, and trying to ignore it or bury it will only make it worse in the long run. Letting the tears come if that's what's involved, or simply letting the pain hurt. I remind myself it will pass.

At the same time I'm noticing definite signs of PTSD again concerning my daughter. I couldn't clean her room, David did. Made it into a nice spare room for guests/friends. Even in the kitchen I was finding bits and pieces of things she'd left behind. With PTSD you avoid such things as the pain involved is too great. Pictures, objects, anything associated with her has become a trigger for pain. A way to cope with that is to simply put those things out of sight. The box of pictures as she was growing up is on the top shelf away from everyday living. Much of the odds and ends she left I've just thrown out; better that than to be constantly reminded. These coping mechanisms don't take away the pain, but give me a fighting chance to get through it.

And of course to realise that sadness and pain is all part of being human. If I didn't feel this pain I'd not be human.

Other than that it does give an indication of the love of a father to a daughter. Something I fear she'll never realise. At the moment I'm thinking "Is she really going to do this?" - throw away our relationship between father and daughter, only because her and David don't get on? Does she even give a fuck about me if she's doing that? I though we raised her better than that. Such thoughts are not helpful.