Saturday, 9 June 2012

Australian Christian lobby debates Kerryn Phelps on gay marriage

I've just learned via email that the morning show Sunrise on channel 7 is under attack by the Australian Christian lobby for supporting gay marriage. They are also condemning the sponsors of the show. You can support the Sunrise show here at GetUp.

Here's a debate they had recently on the show, complete with the Christian lobby asshole, and Kerryn Phelps who is a well known and respected figure, in a gay relationship herself.

Terminal sunset, part 2

It's the weekend now. Have been busy at work and with Simon. I was surprised actually about how well I coped with work this week. I was very sore on Wednesday, back hurting a lot because of the stress with the money. But by the end of Friday it wasn't so bad at all. I'm wondering if using those muscles works through the stiffness (whatever has been causing it) and helps to loosen them. Dunno. But although it still sore today it's nothing like it was on Monday and Tuesday. 

Had a much closer look at the pictures I took the other day from the sailing club balcony. I'm rather picky when it comes to taking pictures, maybe a bit overly critical. But I'd have to say that I'm very impressed with the results from these ones. It's only a little $150 or so camera, but I was very pleased. Being something in motion, each picture is different and has it's own sort of feel to it.

This one I spent a few minutes just looking at the various aspects of it.

I really liked the light how it almost seems to connect with the machinery on the wharf. Like two things vastly different have somehow found a connection to each other. The grandeur of nature meets the monolith of humans. Perhaps with all our technology, we can often forget our connection with nature. 

This one had a nice sort of flow to it.

From the glowing sun, the picture seems to flow upwards to the right. It's got a nice symmetry to it.

Here a man strolls by in the evening with the display in the distance.

This one a few minutes earlier at maximum zoom on the little camera. It looses some of the clarity at that level, but I used the anti shake option to keep it steady.

And this one further back.

That's a few of the better ones.

Friday, 8 June 2012

No income insurance with HIV

It's official, I got the letter today from Australian Super.
As I said previously, I'm not at all surprised. This letter simply confirms that I have no access to income insurance through my Superannuation fund because I have HIV. 

I dunno what to say about that. There's really nothing I can say. It's all fair enough. I wouldn't insure me either if I was them. 

It means I'm completely reliant on the Australian gov again, if I get sick again. 

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Terminal sunset

No, I haven't topped myself. Was at the sailing club this afternoon and the sun was setting over the container terminal on Botany Bay. Took quite a few pictures, just had a quick look and will look in more detail over the weekend. But this one caught my eye as being rather good. Will see if there's any others worth posting later.


Tired and have to go to bed. Night all x x 

*Update. There's more pictures here. They came out very well.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

No rhyme or reason, no blame

The resulting scans showed that while the SCSR and the anterior temporal lobe activate together in both guilt and indignation in healthy brains, the brains of the once-depressed individuals functioned quite differently. During feelings of indignation, the SCSR-anterior temporal lobe linkage worked fine. But during feelings of guilt, the regions failed to sync up so neatly.

Participants who were most prone to blame themselves for everything showed the greatest communication gaps between these regions, Zahn and his colleagues reported Monday (June 4) in the journal Archives of General Psychiatry. Importantly, once-depressed participants didn't notice feeling any differently when they read the guilt and indignation sentences, suggesting that this breakdown in communication is not felt consciously.

The researchers can't yet say if pre-existing brain problems cause the communication breakdown, or if the depression itself causes this troubling pattern. Fortunately, Zahn said, the coupling of the SCSR and the anterior temporal lobe is known to be influenced by learning.

"It's likely to be the sign of something that happened because of learned experiences, plus, of course, biology," Zahn said.
Link
A suspect than anyone who's gone through a terrible depression will know exactly what the above is talking about. It has been a huge moment of empowerment on the odd occasion, to realise that something that you've been blaming yourself for years for, is not actually your fault. The guilt is released. 

You can't take blame for something you can't control. Suddenly life, the memories, become clearer than ever before. Suddenly you realise much of the guilt you suffered through needlessly over years. Releasing such things is exhilarating!


I've thought about this a lot with contracting HIV. I went from assuming that it must have been my fault as I was the one bending over and giving in so to speak. But then again, why was I being so self destructive? I had undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress, my head broke,  and I drifted....     the sex and the drugs,    bla..... we all know the story........  Is it my fault I ended up like that?


No. NO! It in fact was nobodies. It was change. Fate. No rhyme or reason. Nothing. It just happened. There is in fact NOBODY to blame, let alone ourselves.

Bungling Bureaucratic Buffoons (BBB's)

Ok. Why am I not fuckin surprised?
I've been forced into inventing a new name for those who are at present fucking with my head. These bureaucrats in Canberra today, as bizarre and completely out of this world, mental, fucking with your mind shit, are, there are still more such people in this country.

Not only are they in this country doing their deeds, but they also happen to be fucking with my head at the exact same time as the Canberra bureaucrats. This is mad darlings, they are the banks I owe money to too! I won't indicate who they are as they'd love to sue me, well one of them would; that's the asshole bank. 

I've been with them nearly 30 years after arriving in Sydney from New Zealand in 1985. Had a very good record with them after paying back a couple of personal loans ahead of time over the years. OK, now I was in trouble through illness. From the first day I walked in the bank personally to tell them about my situation honestly, they've treated me like a criminal. All along, particularly in the negotiations of the $guru with the bank, they seemed to suspect or assume that I had a big account somewhere else and was just trying to rip them off. I nearly died twice in 2 weeks beginning of last year, and they fuckin tell me that! Fucking assholes man......  

And to top it all off, I got 14 phones calls from India in 11 days, a few of them at work, demanding I pay something. No matter what you told them the next person would have no knowledge of what you told the earlier person the day before. I'd explain it again. After the third time I gave up and rang the bloody $guru. He jumped to the rescue, and demanded the bank to stop these calls immediately. That these calls were in contravention of the legislation as they'd not offered me some Compassionate Grounds thing or some shit, and by law they were required to do so. The $guru threatened to make an official complaint about my case to the Financial Services ombudsman. The bank complied..... The calls stopped. The $guru I signed over authority for him to act on my behalf, and he entered into negotiations with the banks on my behalf.

This bank was completely unco-operative, or words to that effect. On my next visit to the $guru a few weeks later he told me he'd gone ahead and made that official complaint to the ombudsman, and the bank was now co-operating. This guy was brilliant! He really seemed to get off for any excuse to stick it to the banks.

Yeah so anyway, after nearly 30 years with them and a perfect record up till now with them, they handed me over to a fuckin Indian debt collection agency within about a month I think after I went to the bank in person to explain my circumstances now. Assholes! I changed my banking of my pay into, to another bank. The asshole bank charge $20 worth of fees over the next three months and eventually closed it, having to credit all those fees back to do it. That was the end of my 30 year bank account with them.

Then of course we have the other nice bank, but which took 5 weeks to send a single email to DHS, thereby causing this latest event:

So I got a call today on the mobile at work, having to stop work to answer it. It was Jason. The man himself! The actual one processing my Superannuation early release claim. Now, after spending 5 weeks waiting for the "nice" bank to send one email, the asshole banks statements were out of date... Yep, you guess it. They now needed two more up to date asshole bank statements! Again; this was the third time I supplied them. 

Got home from work and got the PDF and a screen shot for both accounts, sent it off, then rung the DHS to tell them to locate the email I'd just sent them and forward it to Jason - as he told me to do. 

 The saga continues.......

So after all that I'd decided to officially christen all of these bank bureaucrats, along with the Canberra bureaucrats, and any other bureaucrats that happen to come along, the Bungling Bureaucratic Buffoons (BBB's) of 2012. Henceforth and hearwith (and any other he) with now upon us exist this new abbreviation. It will be BBB's of 2012 perhaps? But it will be upon us, in the name of whatever, but of us. And we will rejoice and find cereal in the middle of the desert and shit. Then rejoice a bit more.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

My Superanuation stress continues

It's been a painful couple of days. Yesterday I spent a lot of time in bed as my back doesn't hurt much at all lying down. Simon came over and spent the night, I went to bed early as I was just getting sick of the pain and wanted to lie down. Simon reckoned he's had experience at massage and so I let him do a bit on it. He couldn't believe how tight all the muscles were up the top half. I'd say work has a lot to do with it, but also stress. They'd be tight anyway from work and it wouldn't take much to make them worse enough to really hurt. If it keeps up for much longer I suppose I'll plod off to the doctors and see if he'll give me something stronger than Panadol. Something with Codeine would be nice.

Despite all that I slept quite well. Read a bit as I was in bed so early, and had quite a pleasant night. Is always better when Simon is there alongside. He's got his little dog too, just a small thing. Doesn't bark though, fuck I couldn't stand that. I felt a bit strange letting her on the bed as it'd always been pusses area in the past, but am fine with it now. She's a cute little thing, and likes me a lot.

Didn't go to the psychologist yesterday I felt terrible all day. Not only the aching back but really bad indigestion, painful, hurting even under my ribs it felt like. Was just too sore to go and sit in a chair for an hour. Emailed him and explained about it likely to do with anxiety issues. He hoped I felt better soon and it was good that the whole Superannuation thing was nearly sorted out. He's on leave for the rest of this month, so I made an appt early in July.

Rang the Dept of Human Services again today to see what was happening. It's been over another week now since I rang last week and they directed the appropriate email to the appropriate person. This time the guy on the phone put me on hold and went and actually talked to said appropriate person (Jason who is the one processing the claim). He had received the email, but was waiting for it to be "attached to the file". 

WTF? I mean seriously, what in the hell are they on about? Do they have to print out the email, pick up a paper clip, and attach it to some paper file? Or do they have to attach it electronically to the electronic file on their computer system? In both cases I can't see how the fuck that would take any longer than all of about 5 minutes. Like I said, I rang them 8 days ago. I reminded the guy I was talking to at how long this had all taken. 

Anyway it turned out that Jason has told this guy on the phone, to tell me, that he will try to have the whole thing finished by the end of tomorrow. I will of course believe it when I fuckin see it. *sheesh* Photobucket 

In other Superannuation news, it looks like I'm not the only one with the jitters about the share markets. The Reserve Bank today "battens down hatches against global storm" with another interest rate cut, second one in two months.
But of course, events in Europe, and in particular the Greek election to be held on June 17, could override any such domestic considerations.

A vote in favour of Greek anti-austerity parties could pave the way for an exit of Greece from the euro, which would in turn bring into question the sustainability of the entire single currency bloc.

Should events in Europe take a turn for the worse, the Reserve Bank has plenty of ammunition left in the arsenal to cut rates again.

We should all hope they don't need to use it.
I dunno, I wonder sometimes if people in the northern hemisphere even care what Australian financial gurus in the newspapers here think. We're so far away and such a small population. I suppose it may be valuable as a view from afar.

Reading books again

I finally finished the "U2 By U2" book. A long one, over 400 pages. It took so long to read as much of what was talked about in the interviews with the band were very thought provoking, and I couldn't just wizz through a whole chapter as I wanted to take it all in. All four of the band seem to find great meaning in life's experiences and use those experiences in their music. I guess that's what art is all about, finding expression about how life affects you.

There was one last quote that was very interesting for me. Especially given the GFC of late and this being written before it:
"In the case of 'Vertigo', I was thinking about this awful nightclub we've all been to. You're supposed to be having a great time and everything's extraordinary around you and the drinks are the price of buying a bar in a Third World country. You're there and you're doing it and you're having it and you sort of don't want to be there. And it felt like the way a lot of people were feeling at that moment, as you turn on the telly or you're just looking around and you see big, fat Capitalism at the top of it's mountain, just about to topple. It's that woozy, sick feeling of realising that here we are, drinking, drugging, eating, polluting, robbing ourselves to death."
Bono, U2 By U2 
The book ends after the South American leg of the Vertigo tour. Although it took ages for me to get through it, it's a big accomplishment for me to do so. I used to enjoy reading, but since the head collapse in 2009 it's been almost impossible to read anything. One book I tried to in fact had a main character in the first few pages try to kill herself. *sheesh* Not exactly what I needed at the time. It's still there in the waiting to be read  pile.

I've chosen a next book to read. It's been in the waiting to be read  pile on the bedroom floor for months. I picked it up a while back up at Simons place, he had a box of old books he was going to give to the local community centre there for people to borrow and read. Asked me if I wanted any of them. Most of them looked excruciatingly boring, but this one caught my eye:


There was a documentary made in 1989, and this book was put out afterwards. I'd never heard of such a thing, but the British used Australian volunteers for chemical warfare experiments in World War 2, in Melbourne and up in Northern Queensland (the state north of here, NSW). I found a bit of a review online:
The second story focuses on chemical warfare experiments in Australia, beginning with the "sensitivity tests" carried out in Melbourne in 1942 on 783 soldiers. Goodwin then describes the mustard gas trials conducted in north Queensland to explore the effects of chemical warfare under tropical conditions, and the Brook Island trials, which involved dropping chemical bombs on the island and assessing their effects on animals placed on the island prior to the bombing and the volunteers who were landed on the island after the bombing. The final chapter considers post-World War II research on the effects of chemical weapons and the struggle by some former volunteers to secure compensation.

Goodwin details the experiences of the Australian soldiers, scientists and support staff involved in the chemical warfare trials during and after the Second World War. The recollections of volunteers, many of whom sustained dreadful burns and injuries, are especially disturbing, and their memories are supported by the photographs in the book. As Goodwin comments, "It is evident ... that concern for the welfare of volunteers was not a priority". Keen as Mustard is not, however, merely a catalogue of the horrors of the Australian trials. One of the strengths of Goodwin's approach is that she emphasises the complexity of this story. She situates the horrors which she recounts alongside, for example, memories of the female members of the research staff: "For many ... their time bunking down in makeshift housing at Innisfail, or sleeping on the beach at Hinchinbrook Island during the Brook Island trials, were among the best years of their lives".

Keen as Mustard is an important addition to the historiography of Australian involvement in wars, and a reminder of the ease with which the rights of individuals can be sacrificed in times of "national emergency".
Link
It apparently created quite a stir when the documentary was released, but I can't find any free version to watch online. It was screened in Australia, Britain, Japan, Canada, the Netherlands and New Zealand. There's pictures in the book, here are some:
It is good to be able to read books again. The depression and head collapse was paralysing mentally.

Monday, 4 June 2012

I was right about the share market

I've just picked myself up off the floor after fainting at actually having made a correct decision about money. Maybe I'm getting my money mojo back. I was really good with money years back, never had a lot of it but was never in debt or in trouble with the banks. I don't consider money as something to go after in a big way, just that you sort of need it to get by. It's good to have finally done something with the money I have that was a smart thing.

About two weeks ago I decided to change my Superannuation fund to a much more stable option not exposed to the share market. A bloody good decision with today's news:

Australian shares have plunged to their lowest level since November last year with $23 billion wiped off the market. 

The ASX200 index fell below 4,000 points amid widespread selling as spooked investors reacted to bad economic data from overseas and growing fears of a second global recession. 

 At 1200 AEST on Monday, the benchmark S&P/ASX200 index was down 70.8 points, or 1.74 per cent, at 3,993.1, while the broader All Ordinaries index was down 74.2 points, or 1.78 per cent, at 4,042.7.

 On the ASX 24, the June share price index futures contract was down 73 points at 3,997, with 18,393 contracts traded.

 The local market dropped after major indices in Europe and on Wall Street slumped on the back of disappointing US jobs figures, slow US manufacturing growth, record unemployment rates in Europe and weak Chinese manufacturing data. 

 Australia's market opened at a six-month low and bounced for just 10 minutes before falling again, and by noon was trading near its lows of the session, Geoff Saffer, head of research at Australian Stock Report, said. 

"The market has taken an absolute beating," he said.

Sunday, 3 June 2012

New HIV medicine in the pipeline

This was most interesting. So far the best treatment has been antiretrovirals, of which I had great success with when I was on them. It was just that little thing of acute kidney failure that I had to stop taking those particular ones. For anyone who's not aware BTW, I'm currently on no HIV meds at all. Stopped them early last year after this happened. I've been without meds since then, and although during the hospital dramatics my CD4 count went to an all time low (for me) of only 450, since then without meds and recovering kidneys it's built back up to over 700. All except last time when it dropped 100 points, my guess being because of the stress involved with the money thing.

Anyway, so I'm not eager at all to go on anything again at this point. Not unless I absolutely have to. As long as my immune system is coping OK I'm going to stay off them for as long as I bloody well can. They work fantastically yes as far as controlling the HIV virus, but that doesn't change the fact that they're still very powerful drugs. They are still to some extent a bit experimental, as I found out. 

I'd rather look in the meantime at other ways of staying healthy without the magic pills, simply through lifestyle and living life in a way that is the least stressful. For me that involves being real to my feelings, honest about who I am, and being authentic to both. For me it's a source of peace. What could be more helpful to reducing inner turmoil than being authentic to who you are, no matter what people think of it? 

I'm well past worrying about what people think. That ended last year when I nearly carked it twice in those 2 weeks. I'm on borrowed time now it feels like, I was so close to death. Chance, the universe, a coincidence of events, saw that I lived and didn't die. I guess it's one of the few cards fate has dealt me that hasn't been a fuckin disaster.

So this looks like a better option for me to try if I last long enough for it to become available:

Selzentry (maraviroc), a U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)–approved ARV, works by blocking the interaction between CCR5 and HIV, ultimately retarding the virus’s ability to infect CD4 cells. SB-728-T, a zinc finger DNA-binding protein transcription factor, goes one step further—it blocks the gene responsible for making CCR5, mimicking a naturally occurring human mutation that renders individuals largely resistant to the virus.

This mutation, dubbed CCR5 delta-32, appears to have no harmful effect in the human body. In addition, a study published in the journal Blood in December 2010 reported that an HIV-positive person with leukemia was cured of HIV when he received a bone marrow transplant from a “matched” donor who had inherited this delta-32 CCR5 mutation from both parents. (When the mutation is inherited from one parent, CCR5 is produced, but at low quantities and is associated with slower HIV disease progression. When the mutation is inherited from both parents, which is very rare, little or no CCR5 is expressed on CD4 cells, rendering the cells impervious to forms of HIV that use the CCR5 receptor to enter cells.)
Link

They even go so far as to suggest there may be an actual cure for HIV following this path, but there is no fuckin way in the world I would ever go through it. The "cure" in this case sounds much worse than the bloody disease. I would just stick to more "traditional" approaches I expect, rather than something so drastic as this:
Fully curing HIV will be a bit more complicated, as it ultimately requires replacing the entire CD4 population with HIV-resistant cells, not merely creating a small reservoir of protected cells. A curative approach will likely involve removing and treating stem cells with CCR5 and possibly CXCR4 knockout genes, administering high-dose chemotherapy to wipe out the existing HIV-susceptible immune system, followed by transplanting the modified stem cells to rebuild an immune system that is resistant to the virus.

Income insurance with HIV?

I've just spent some time online seeing if I could change the insurance on my Superannuation account, at Australian Super. Last year when I was sick I could have been paid from income insurance through that instead of having to rely on a measly $300 a week from the gov sickness benefit. I couldn't though as for some reason I wasn't covered for income insurance.  So I've applied to see if I can get income insurance, as well as the death or disablement I'm already insured for (yes darlings I'm worth more dead than alive).

I've already changed the investment option for my actual funds in there a couple of weeks ago to a safer one. Rather than just leaving it all in the default fund (which so far looks like it's got all of about 2% or something stupid since last July) I switched it to a less volatile option. It was all very easy to do that one, just a thing online, logging in,  and it was changed the following Monday.

I'm not optimistic about the investment future with the share market. There seems fundamental problems that exist around the world that even if the issues were actually being addressed as they should, it will be years before the global economy recovers to anything like it was. However everyone seems to be too busy arguing with each other about it all to make much progress. The EU looks in danger of fracturing, and Americans can't agree on anything let alone a way out of the economic mess. Republicans still hold to the notion of Reaganomics, and apparently the real issues are gay marriage and the like, not that Reaganomics is a 30 year failure.

We're even starting to feel the pinch down here in Australia now, such is the slow down globally that the resources boom to China is weakening a bit. So far we've largely avoided anything too drastic. Avoided a technical recession (just). Unemployment never went above about 5.5%, with many coming from overseas attracted by the labour shortages here. Housing is still outrageously expensive here. 

Anyway the application to change my insurance turned into a great online thing, and it's been "referred" for further appraisal. I'll actually be surprised if it's successful, as I had to answer "yes" to the HIV question. They sent me an email:

Your insurance application is being assessed to work 
out if you are eligible for extra cover.
 
What happens next?
 
1. Please check that all the information you provided is 
correct - login to your AustralianSuper account 
at www.australiansuper.com to access your application. 
 
If you find any errors, contact the Insurer, TAL Life 
Limited, on 1800 666 136 immediately. 
Please note this additional information may alter 
the Insurer's decision.
 
2. TAL Life Limited will review your application and
 may contact you to confirm, or request more information. 
This may include a request to sign a Medical Authority 
form to authorise the release of your medical history 
to TAL Life Limited.
 
3. Once the assessment of your application is complete, 
AustralianSuper will write to you to let you know the 
outcome of the assessment.
 
 
To track the status of your application, login 
your AustralianSuper account at www.australiansuper.com
 
 
Sincerely,
 
 
TAL Underwriting Service
On behalf of AustralianSuper
Update: I can't get it.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

A month of hate

This was appalling, shocking, disgusting, vile. 

  
And they wonder why many gays despise Christianity. I'm sick of hearing that these are "isolated incidents", or that they're not speaking for the majority of Christians. Well why don't the majority of Christians do something about it then? Why does it have to be left to members of the demonised minority itself to protest? Why isn't even the gov over there stepping in and prosecuting people (as would likely happen here is such cases) for inciting hatred against a minority?


These people are on the internet. That means they're not only saying it to their brain dead congregations, but they're saying it to the world.
In NSW it is generally against the law to vilify people because of their:
  • race, colour, nationality, descent, ethnic, ethno-religious or national origin;
  • homosexuality (lesbian or gay);
  • HIV or AIDS status; or
  • transgender status.
  • This includes vilification because someone is thought to be lesbian, gay or transgender even if they are not, or thought to have HIV or AIDS, even if they don’t.
    NSW anti-discrimination law defines vilification as a public act that could incite or encourage hatred, serious contempt or severe ridicule towards people because of the above characteristics.
    The vilification law only covers acts that are in public. It does not cover acts that are not public, for example abuse over a back fence that no-one else can hear.
    Public acts could include the following:
  • remarks in a newspaper, journal or other publications;
  • remarks on radio or television;
  • material on the internet, including social networking sites such as Facebook and micro-blogging services such as Twitter;
  • graffiti;
  • putting up posters or stickers;
  • verbal abuse;
  • making speeches or statements;
  • making gestures; or
  • wearing badges or clothes with slogans on them.
  • Link
  • Understanding anxiety

    I remembered a short little add that's been on the telly here a bit lately. When I watched it I remember being struck by what the people were saying and how they were feeling about things in their lives.


    There's another one I think but it doesn't seem to be on YouTube, where the person asks "Why do I feel like something bad is going to happen?". So I followed the link at the end of the add. 

    Today you are not diagnosed as nervous, there are in fact different names for different anxiety disorders.  Valium is no longer the drug of choice for treatment.  There are now many drugs on the market that can be prescribed by your physician.  Medication is a good treatment option and sometimes it is the best option.  Beware these drugs like others may have serious side effects such as liver damage from long term use. 

    Therapy sessions can be helpful in the treatment for anxiety and panic attacks.  There you can learn effective methods for coping with them.  Once in therapy one can explore the fears and learn to not let them overwhelm you.  

    Another effective method is to face your fears.  The problem is most people with anxiety have an extreme fear of the unknown, such as fear of death, fear of the future, fear of economic hardship, etc. 

    To beat this try telling yourself that whatever happens you can handle it.  Just repeat to yourself the mantra "I can handle this".  This is a way of leading your thoughts to a better solution than just imagining all the worse case scenarios.  Lead your thoughts to what you desire.  Do not contemplate what you do not want to happen.

    Remember just about everyone suffers at one time or another from a degree of anxiety.  Everyone has fears.  How we deal with these fears is what makes some go to church, some take to alcohol  and drug abuse, and others on anti anxiety medication.

    The symptoms for anxiety are something that most will experience at some point.  Some of the symptoms of Anxiety include but not limited:  feeling shaky, dizziness, nervousness, trouble sleeping, fuzzy thinking, feeling overwhelmed, and thinking you are going crazy.   Dealing with these symptoms depends on the severity and its cause.  Some stressors when removed usually alleviate the anxiety.  When a person deals with a major stressor in their life this can upset the tranquillity in their life.  

    http://www.understanding-anxiety.com/


    What I like about this link is that the person writing it is someone who's actually experienced anxiety herself. Not some professional talking through his ass. 

    Seeing the psychologist Monday after some delay this time. I expect the happy pills I take would already be playing some part in anxiety treatment for me. I don't want to take any more pills if I have to so will look into other ways first. I think we all get tempted at times to just want to take a magic pill and not do anything else.

    I'm hoping that once this money thing is finished much of the anxiety will go away by itself. It's been a big thing to address that "stressor" over the last 8 months, biting the bullet and finally actually doing something about all this debt I'm in. There certainly haven't been any easy solutions, but it does appear am nearly at the end with it all.

    I actually felt a bit better last night when Simon arrived and we went to the pub together. He was in a very good up beat mood, but despite that he understands very well all about anxiety as he's suffered through it all his life. As a British child his family was at one point living in Cyprus. There was some war going on there and they had to get out in a hurry back to England fearing for their lives. Since then he's always had trouble in big loud crowds, like at football matches. Their home was actually bombed and mobs everywhere.

    But anyway after a couple of drinks and chatting with this really happy friendly person that he was, we talked about going to 357 after all. Simon had never been there, and the poor boy looked like a kid who'd just been told Christmas was cancelled. So I agreed to go, as being with him had made me feel much better. 

    You can look on the site if you're interested. It's got 4 levels; 3 sex floors, sauna, steam room, bla. It was "Black Out" night, which I've never heard of before. They turn all the lights off on level 3 and the whole floor is in darkness. I thought it was a bit too dark myself, I mean at some points you couldn't see a thing it was pitch black. Just a small night light would have been much better. 

    I was reading earlier about the etiquette of sex clubs. Dunno why some of it's pretty funny to read, for me anyway.
    Watching where you walk was important, he said. A first-timer is easy to pick as he walks into mirrors and walls.

    If you walk into the sling room or wrestling room you are indicating that’s what you’re looking for, so look inside rooms before entering, he said. Likewise, entering a black room is inviting people to touch and grope you.

    As long as you leave the attitude at the door and look confident you’ll enjoy yourself, Dovans said.
    But once you’re in the door and you’ve found what’s what, a first-timer is still going to learn how to let men know whether he’s interested or not. While the male mind can sometimes be likened to that of the caveman, cruising is usually more subtle than clubbing your preferred man over the head and dragging him away.

    James said most of it comes instinctively when you watch how others behave. Looking someone in the eyes shows interest, and looking away says -˜no’. In darker areas you can’t see people’s eyes, so a hand gesture replaces it. Touching someone shows interest, and flicking someone’s hand away says -˜no’.
    Link

    Prison gaurd gets jail for bashing inmate

    I commented about this in April when the video was first released into the news here.


    An appalling example of how those in the law and order profession often think that they're above the law themselves. I myself have had two broken ribs from the police a while back. 

    So it was with great happiness when I heard the news:
    A prison officer has been jailed for seven months for assaulting an inmate in a Newcastle cell.
    44-year-old Terry Dolling repeatedly punched a hepatitis C infected patient last year after the prisoner spat on him.

    The court heard the officer had an unblemished record and but Magistrate Jennifer Atkinson said the circumstances were grave.

    She said it was important to send a message the community that Dolling’s actions were wrong.
    Loud gasps were heard in Toronto Local Court when the sentence was read out.

    Many work colleagues shook their heads and expressed their disdain at the verdict and his lawyer said an immediate appeal would be launched.

    None of his colleagues would comment fearful they could jeopardise his appeal chances.
    He will be eligible for parole after serving four months.
    Link
    Good bloody job. I hope he really finds out what it's like on the other side of the law. I doubt he's going to be treated with any respect by his fellow inmates.

    Friday, 1 June 2012

    I'm a mess

    What a difference one night can make.

    Went to bed last night and was fine. Middle of the night woke up and must have slept wrong on my shoulder. It was hurting badly. It's a recurring problem over the years of being in the printing industry lifting such  large amounts on a daily basis, and I have specific exercises to stretch the neck and shoulder muscles to avoid them getting too tight. But this time when I woke up the pain was excruciating. 

    Dunno how the fuck I slept to make it like that, but it felt like a muscle spasm. That's when the muscle is so tight it goes into a spasm, very very painful. Just at the back of my shoulder above the shoulder blade. For the rest of the night I could hardly sleep, but didn't want to take anything as it would make it even harder to get up for work in the morning. As it was I sat up on the bed with the whole right top side of my back hurting from it, and tired from no sleep. 

    On top of that I was feeling really anxious. No idea why, probably about the money situation. It was very strong today, all day. I didn't want to leave the house but forced myself to, to get to work. A feeling of dread and fear all day. Horrible emotions. Scared, worried, it's paralysing. 

    Got through work with some painkillers. Told Simon I didn't feel at all like going out anymore tonight, but maybe just some quiet beers at the Oxford Hotel in it's familiar surroundings. At the moment I feel tired, sore, and anxious. I even feel nauseas from the anxiety. Maybe I'll feel better when Simon gets here, he's coming at 5 and we'll get the bus to the pub.