Friday 1 June 2012

I'm a mess

What a difference one night can make.

Went to bed last night and was fine. Middle of the night woke up and must have slept wrong on my shoulder. It was hurting badly. It's a recurring problem over the years of being in the printing industry lifting such  large amounts on a daily basis, and I have specific exercises to stretch the neck and shoulder muscles to avoid them getting too tight. But this time when I woke up the pain was excruciating. 

Dunno how the fuck I slept to make it like that, but it felt like a muscle spasm. That's when the muscle is so tight it goes into a spasm, very very painful. Just at the back of my shoulder above the shoulder blade. For the rest of the night I could hardly sleep, but didn't want to take anything as it would make it even harder to get up for work in the morning. As it was I sat up on the bed with the whole right top side of my back hurting from it, and tired from no sleep. 

On top of that I was feeling really anxious. No idea why, probably about the money situation. It was very strong today, all day. I didn't want to leave the house but forced myself to, to get to work. A feeling of dread and fear all day. Horrible emotions. Scared, worried, it's paralysing. 

Got through work with some painkillers. Told Simon I didn't feel at all like going out anymore tonight, but maybe just some quiet beers at the Oxford Hotel in it's familiar surroundings. At the moment I feel tired, sore, and anxious. I even feel nauseas from the anxiety. Maybe I'll feel better when Simon gets here, he's coming at 5 and we'll get the bus to the pub.

9 comments:

  1. I hope ya feel better, soon.

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  2. Anxiety is a gruesome enemy. It can eat your insides slowly and painfully. Loneliest feeling in the world.

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  3. Feeling anxious sucks. I have to force myself to sit, and breathe slowly. Sounds simplistic, but for me I can usually calm myself (somewhat.) The muscle spasms can be that your body is telling you you need to sort it out. I get them, too. It oi not easy to pay attention, be mindful of messages from my body.l. Very hard to hear through all of the noise & the static of anxiety.

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  4. Thanks so much for caring people.

    I never thought of that, being the anxiety causing the muscle spasms. I'll discuss this with the psychologist on Monday. Haven't seen him for two months due to conflicting schedules.

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  5. It's definitely the anxiety.

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  6. It's manifesting through bodily pain, you can overcome it.

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  7. You're not alone in this, you know. I'm not even going to pretend i know what you're going through, that would be moronic on my part. But i'll say this much. Facing issues like uncertainty about the future, death, loneliness, social anxiety is something that most thinking people have to deal with. It requires a great amount of struggle but i can tell by what you project here that you are one tough human being, you can pull through.

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  8. Thanks so much for the replies/thoughts. They mean a lot. Apart from helping to sort through this anxiety issue, it's good to know people care. There's a lot of hatred in this world for a gay HIV+ bloke like myself. I'm so glad there's love too.

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  9. Remember that those hating on you, are exposing their inner weaknesses by doing so. They'll go through life being overwhelmed by their insecurities, and that will be the mark that they'll leave behind. Same that million others that have faded into complete oblivion have. These people represent a part of the world that is forever unevolved and time does no favours.

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