I've often thought about this. In fact one of the first things I thought after being diagnosed was "Thank fuck, now I have a way out". That was what went through my head in the doctors office when he told me I had HIV.
And although suicide hasn't occurred since then, I've always thought that if things got too bad in the future I'd be able to leave this life by simply refusing medication. It would be a rather bad way to die I guess, but one that was in fact a legal form of suicide. One that I could use in the absence of legalised Euthanasia. Of course I'd prefer a lethal injection, but unfortunately that involves illegality and incrimination of anyone who assists me in it.
It would also be a method where I was at the steering wheel. Not some religious fuckwit talking out his ass, not some gov fuckwit obsessed with a nanny state. Not some fool who thinks they know better than me, despite not having lived my life.
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If you get a chance go to ABC2 iview website and watch a film We Were Here. It is availoable for another week. , Diagnosed in 1988 at age 22 I have gone through many stages. First a time slot until I die, next antiviral pills that gave hope but not definate assurance. After a while of limbo you realise there is a step further than hope - it is called living. This is the hardest step and some do not take that step, they exist in a frozen lost state and become the living dead. Stopping pills is a form of control but making that further step is also taking control. The question is do you want to live and if so, how do you take those steps to start living rather than just existing
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's the bazillion dollar question isn't it.
ReplyDeleteI'll take a look at that show, thanks for that. It's pissing with rain here in Sydney and I got nothing much else to do.
The psychologist has been discussing this line of thought with me BTW of late. He always asks me if I've been thinking of suicide between sessions and last few months I've not. So we're at this, as you say, "hardest step" of reconnecting back with life. So far it's a slow process, but never the less its progress no matter how slow.