The other side of suicide...the pain of those left behind...

I remember last year after I was out of hospital, talking to a long time family friend about what had happened to my daughter when I was in hospital. I had nearly died the second time in just two weeks. They'd found me on the bed at home, nearly dead, after I'd missed an important dialysis appt on a Sunday. They'd called my daughter (as she was who I put down as my next of kin) to go check on me. She was worried about what she might find and so got our neighbour to go in with her.

My neighbour, experienced in looking after aged people in nursing homes for years, initially thought I was dead. After turning me and looking more closely he saw I was breathing shallowly and my heart was beating, but I couldn't be revived. They had to ring an ambulance, sirens wailing and all, like the sound of death. I was carted off and went into intensive care, being kept alive by a ventilator. During this time nobody knew if I was going to wake up, and one of my friends when visiting overheard the doctors discussing what my wishes might be about pulling the plug. 

This wasn't a suicide attempt, but I found out later from the above friend how my daughter was feeling during those 2 days. She'd spent a long conversation with her on the phone. My daughter was a mess, petrified that I was so close to death. Almost hysterical. Scared shitless at the prospect that her father might soon be gone. The pain felt then only the prerequisite at what would follow. I can't imagine what sort of state she'd be in now had I not woken up.

Two years before, my best friend killed herself. She was in America, a citizen who'd grown up there and spent her life there. She'd spent the last year or so looking after her husband as he died, in their rented flat. In the end he was in the lounge room permanently in bed. He died there in her arms. I was with her every day through this, as best I could online. I was in Australia, she Florida. I supported her through her husbands death, as she supported me through my wife's. We became so very close.

After he died there was fuck all support for her over there on her own. She had to move out of the rented flat 3 weeks after her husband died in her arms there. Long story short, things got worse and she ended up in a caravan/trailer park, and in the end ran out of money. There was no unemployment benefit as here, no rent assistance as here, no free psychologist as here, no free grief counseling, no organisations set up to help her. No nothing. In the end she was facing homelessness on a Monday. She chose death rather than that. 

I lost her that weekend. I stayed with her till the end as best I could from here. I talked on the phone with her for about 2 hours my Sat time here. We both cried. I knew she was going to do it, I knew why and could understand why. She gave me the name of the caravan park office to ring if I'd not heard from her in a couple of days. I rang her my Sunday afternoon (Sat night Florida). We only spoke for a minute or two. She said "It's going to be soon", and we both said goodbye to each other.

I went to a friends that night, the drug dealer who was fucking me a bit at the time. We'd sort of come to like each other a bit more than just fuck buddies; like he really sort of cared about me. Anyway I explained to him about her, and that I didn't want to be alone that night. We had a great night of sex and drugs, and after things settled down I went online on his PC. I checked my email at 6am. I found her last two emails sent to me. They were very personal letters about the time we'd known each other. She thanked me for that last phone call Sunday, saying it was "the best way to end us". I looked at D___ and said "She's done it..." He looked in disbelief.

I rang the caravan park about a day later. The police were called. I rang a bit later and asked what the story was. The caravan park owner said that there had been "a body taken out". I was actually relieved, almost envious that her pain was no more. I hurt a lot today about it, but after knowing what she went through I can understand why she did it. 

I'm sort of in the middle, not afraid of death. Would have to say though it's what I'd do to the people I left behind that stopped me in that year of 2009. It would be selfish of me to put that pain above hers, but I still miss her a lot. We both understood each other perfectly. It's the worst in Jan, she'd died on the 26th.

This video here is getting lots of attention here in just two days 700,000 views.

 "a message to everyone"