In demand

Have had to delay the trip to Lightning Ridge, was already supposed to be there by now. I'm going to ask next Tuesday at the doctor interview for Centrelink, if they need me to be here in Sydney while the form is getting processed. They said it can take about a month or so, and when I asked what was involved other than the interview they said just waiting. They do have a Centrelink office in Lightning Ridge of course, but it's a long way away from Sydney. I'm just worried if they want something more for the application then I'll be way out there. 

Simon's not happy about it at all. But WTF can I do? I started this whole process, and I can't just drop everything in the middle of it and travel nearly 1,000 km's away. All this shit takes time, particularly when it involves the gov. He wants me to try and get out there end of next week for the gem festival. Apparently it's the biggest event of the year there with people coming from all over the world to buy and sell gems. Sounds really great, interesting and all, but if I'm stuck here sorting out things well that's just life. 

The agency rang me again too. I seem to be in high demand, fuck Simon having a stress attack whilst playing a tragic violin, and the agency wanting me to work. I've told the guy, I don't know how many times, I'd not be wanting to work until the beginning of next month at the earliest. But he just keeps ringing. Stories of jobs that won't come up again, bla bla... whatever. I'm sure it's just a line he uses to get people to go to these places. Suppose there must be a real shortage of skilled tradesmen. In the end I texted him that I was already in Lightning Ridge, that'll get the guy off my back. How's he to know where I am, he only has my mobile number. Think I might just keep saying that until I get a result with the disability application. 

Back is hurting a lot today, dunno why. Noticed this morning when I did the dishes and was leaning over the sink. Right in the middle and up to my neck, giving a bit of a headache too. Exactly where it was hurting at work a lot, from leaning over the machine all day. My body's already pretty used up with that sort of work over the years, wouldn't be looking forward to driving it further into the ground if the disability application failed. 

Am sort of quietly confident though it will go through OK. The psychologist I've been seeing since 2009 is well known in Sydney, and for him to write that he supports my application on the grounds of mental and physical health (yes I'm totally fucked darlings) would carry a lot of weight.

Lodging the disability forms

Put the forms in today for the disability application. I have an appointment next Tuesday to see one of their doctors. They were booked out at the local Centrelink so I have to go to the Redfern one. Haven't been there before but they said it's close to the train station so should be no worries to find it. 

Got up early as I still had to print out the odd thing or two from online. Then the printer ran out of black ink and refused to work at all. Stuffed around with it for ages, in the end had to wait for the shops to open down the road so I could get a new cartridge. Then had to go through all the forms to make sure I filled everything in and didn't miss anything. 

After that it was going to pick up the psychologists report, about a half hour bus trip away. Thought I better stop at home to make a copy of it before taking it all into Centrelink. I've read what he's written about me before for other things I've needed it for, so I'm not shocked anymore when it's all laid out in one two page thing like that. It was however confirmation that in his opinion I am sick enough for disability. I wonder if I've been in denial about it for months? It's been very hard the last 18 months at work, many times I only went from forcing myself, and tried staying employed after a 30 year full time work ethic seemed to have me thinking I could do it no matter what.

Centrelink actually went very smoothly today. I think I'm still in shock. Was only there for about 45 minutes, didn't wait that long either. Lodging the forms was a simple matter of someone typing madly on a computer whilst making sure they were all in order, and presenting enough ID. The appointment was made for next week and a two page info sheet about it given to me. I was also within the 2 week period from letting them know I was going to lodge the forms, so if successful will be back paid to that date I first approached them. Finally finished it all and left their office at 1pm. 

Am feeling to be honest, a bit defeated. Didn't think I was this bad. Reading the psychologist report he'd consider I'd qualify on mental health grounds alone. That's pretty fucked up. 

Next book to read

My new book arrived, that was quick. The driver bloke knocked on the front door earlier with it. Just as well I've just finished a couple of little humorous ones and was wondering what to read next. 

"This is your brain on music", here's the back cover.

A bad episode

This is difficult to write, but it's healing to do so. I had quite a bad episode last night.

I dunno where it came from, seemingly nowhere. Perhaps my mind just wandered into it by mistake. An episode of pain, that inner pain that comes from deep down. I don't even know what it was about, just that it hurt so bad. It welled up, unstoppable, and grabbed my consciousness. I don't know how long it lasted as I lost track of time.

The first wave came with increasing intensity. Stronger and stronger. The tears were just something peripheral, more the result of what was happening. Breathing stopped for what seemed like ages as I physically grimaced with the pain. Hands tightened into balls, tighter and tighter. It went on and on.

I just wanted it to end. Thoughts through my head, I can't stand this shit. I hate this nightmare. I just want it to end. Why is it back? How many more times will I have to endure this? I'm so tired of it. Flashes of suicide.... 

After what seemed like ages, the pain started to subside. My fists began to relax, they were sore from being so tightly closed for so long. The crying almost like a background noise now compared to what had just happened, a gentle whimpering. I lay there in bed, numb, glad of the reduced intensity. 

Thought about calling for my daughter to come and sit with me for a bit, but she was next door in her room with friends laughing and happy. I didn't want to worry her or put that on her. Thought about calling Simon, but he'd not understand. He tries but he just can't. He'd try to solve the unsolvable, when all I wanted was company. Or he'd come out with some ridiculous "You should be happy now" line. So I stayed alone to ride out the storm. Again.

A second wave started. I could almost feel it physically coming up from inside. The clenched hands, the gasping for breath, my whole body tightening as the wave overcame me. On it went, I don't know how long. I put a towel next to the bed to wipe the tears and blow my nose. As before it eventually receded, slowly but ever growing calmer. I was exhausted. 

I lay there for about 15 minutes and slowly went to sleep as the tears stopped flowing. Looking at the clock, a rough estimate for the whole episode was about an hour. I reflected on it, upset that it'd happened, but glad it wasn't quite as bad as some of the previous times in other years. Those times I'd ended up having panic attacks the crying and pain was so intense. 

There's no control over it when it happens. It doesn't even seem to be associated with a particular or group of events, but rather the pain took on a life of it's own back in 2009. Since then I've had these episodes, although they're getting farther between and gradually less intense. It's the sort of pain where crying doesn't help, it just makes it worse.

A bit stunned today. Don't want to go through that again in a hurry.  

Snot aplenty

Had a better night last night, but still not so good. Daughter home today and she's sneezing like mad, even the little kitten of hers is sneezing *sheesh*

Cooked dinner again last night, some kangaroo this time. I think I'm getting better at cooking it now. The trick is to cook it on a very hot pan for just the right amount of time. The 2 little steaks came out nice, but unfortunately I forgot to turn the gas off and the one left in the pan got burnt to a crisp. Did the magic microwave 1 minute gravy again.

It's just sort of a bad cold I think, but it's really knocked me around. Oh well at least I've not ended up on antibiotics.

Straight couple claim discrimination at Olympics

How dare these spoilt shits compare their situation to the gay world:

It would be ok if we were gay: Mark

Olympic shooter Russell Mark has suggested 'tons' of gay couples will be rooming together at the Olympic Village, while he and his wife sleep in separate apartments.

According to reports this morning, Russell Mark has been officially informed that he will not be able to room with his partner, Lauryn. "The stupid part of this, which I have argued to them, is that there are tons of gay couples on the Olympic team who will be rooming together, so we are being discriminated against because we are heterosexual," Mark told News Limited.

Earlier this month the double trap champion raised the ire of Olympic chiefs when he said he would not abide to their decision to ban athletes using sedatives such as Temazapan, that he has used during competition for years.

Link

They are a married couple from Australia. They have also been told that if they want to room together then they'll have to rent their own place outside the Olympic village. 

I imagine this story is still evolving and it's early days yet of what sort of reaction people will give it from various quarters. I however find it particularly galling that over something so little they are using the gay minority to make a stupid selfish, self absorbed, spoilt brat of a point. Given that Australia worships it's sporting heroes, particularly those that succeed in the Olympics, you'd think that these fuckin idiots would be setting a better character example to the community.

Lets just have a look shall we at the amazing accommodation they'll be staying in for the 2 weeks of the London Olympics:

...............

During the Olympics that accommodation will house 16,000 athletes and team officials, who Allen is confident will be suitably impressed with the facilities.

“The feedback has been amazing so far both from officials and athletes,” he told Press Association Sport. “The buzz you can feel already.

“They really love the accommodation, they love the areas, they love the Globe [recreation centre] and the dining facility, which is laid out quite differently to other facilities.

“I think it is the best Olympic village there has been because we have put athletes at the centre of it and we’ve listened to the things they want.

“Hopefully the proof will be in the pudding when they’re all here, 16,000 at peak, and we have an amazing time.”

The 2002 Commonwealth Games chairman highlighted the Athletes’ Committee, led by Jonathan Edwards and Tanni Grey-Thompson, as key to ensuring athletes’ needs were planned into the Village.

“They help with the simple things,” Allen added.

“From big issues, like wanting more space to themselves - whether that is balconies, sitting areas or outdoor areas - down to, if you’re a taller athlete, they want the beds to be longer.

“It seems pretty obvious but actually that is really important so that detail.

“Then there is the attention to detail on the type of food they want, when they want it, the ability to grab and go rather than a big meal.

“We’ve listened to that detail and that attention to detail I think is what people are responding to.”
Link

Oh the poor dears. 

I mean what the fuck do they want? A separate apartment all of their own? They're there to compete in the games, not fuck each other senseless. How old are these people, fuckin 16? They're behaving like spoilt teenagers. What a couple of whingers. I wonder how much of my taxpayers money has been invested in their effort to get to the games?

Here is another perspective.

If they were really being discriminated against, they might have a bit of trouble finding a room in London because of their hetro-ness. You know, like these people who couldn't get one becuase they were gay. From Cornwall:

In his ruling, Judge Andrew Rutherford said the hotel had directly discriminated against the couple on the grounds of their sexual orientation and awarded them compensation of £1,800 each.

The judge said the right of the defendants to manifest their religion is not absolute and "can be limited to protect the rights and freedoms of the claimants".

He described the sexual orientation regulations as a "necessary and proportionate intervention by the state to protect the rights of others".

John Wadham, the legal director of the EHRC, said: "The right of an individual to practise their religion and live out their beliefs is one of the most fundamental rights a person can have, but so is the right not to be turned away by a hotel just because you are gay.
Link

Don't fuckin talk to us about discrimination. Try being an HIV+ gay, then they might have some idea. And being from Australia, they wouldn't even be allowed to get fuckin married in the first place. 

Fuck off and shut up you two idiots. Get over yourselves. You are both an embarrassment to our country.  

I'm sick. Sleep city

Have been feeling a bit off colour the last few days, and yesterday got decidedly worse. Nose running, which is no big deal as it seems to run a lot these days from allergies. But this feels like maybe a bad cold or maybe even a touch of the flu. Just about blew my brains out this morning when I sneezed, was a quick walk to the roll of paper towels to get there before I did. Normal tissues are hopeless as they just disintegrate, with the snot firing straight through. Ack. 

Yesterday I had fuck all appetite and generally a dull ache all over. Cold all the time, even though is not too bad in Sydney at the moment at about 17-18 degrees. Forced myself to make something to eat, cooked a steak and mashed potatoes with peas and corn. Felt OK after eating, it's just getting over that feeling of sort of not wanting to eat at the start. I've discovered an amazing gravy invention at the supermarket too; in a plastic sachet, already mixed up, put it in the microwave for 1 minute, and hey presto gravy ready to pour. Faaaabulous! 

So that was all OK, and the Panadol I was taking was actually helping with the aches all over. It all was manageable, except for one thing. The tiredness.

Fuck at about 6pm I just had to go to bed. Couldn't keep my eyes open. Got to bed and was breathing deeply, seemed like I was half asleep and already almost snoring before my head hit the bloody pillow. So I crashed, expecting to wake up in a couple of hours or so, and maybe read or watch telly for a bit in bed. But no, I just kept on sleeping. The odd trip to the toilet for a piss and that was it, straight back to sleep again. Daughter had a couple of friends over in her room and they were laughing with the TV quite loud, but it didn't bother me at all. Just sounded like a distant murmur to me. 

It's not like I've been out late and all like last weekend, so I wasn't catching up on any sleep lost. I guess it must have been from not feeling so good. In the end I slept 11 hours solid. Surfaced at about 5am and turned on the telly for a bit. 

Turned it off shortly afterwards though. One of those dreadful shows was on with a preacher (Sunday morning) telling me how wonderful god was and all. Quoting Bible scriptures constantly (only the ones they like of course). Decided to read for a bit before arising from such a long and deep sleep.

"This is your brain on music"

There was a little news report on the telly last night about how stroke victims were being played live music in rehab to aid healing. I've also known music to be extremely helpful in difficult times in recent years. One of the worst things however about depression was the way it was so paralysing, and at times losing that appreciation of the way music could express my state. Perhaps I was just so much in a place of trauma that the songs I had weren't relative to my feelings, so what was the point of even listening?

Part of a road back for me has involved reconnecting with music. Finding music that continued to express my state and listening to other varied forms that I'd not have considered in previous years. Of course today's technology is pretty amazing, how you can just download stuff onto a little thing and plug it into a sound system. Music today has never been so accessible. There's much opportunity to expand tastes.

I came across this book online and decided to buy it. Will make it my next book to read when it comes.

This interview was hugely interesting. 

 

Guest post #2

Have been continuing on with the emails with this bloke, who has sort of accidentally ended up being called "Mr X" here because I was too lazy to think up a proper pseudonym. I think he finds it refreshing to be able to discuss with me openly his situation, as since being diagnosed his status has been kept very secret. I'm happy if he wants to post anything here, as I know how it can be a release to get things off your chest. Starting this blog has been one of the best therapies for me. 

Feel free to make comments if you so desire as he reads the blog of course. I should mention also, that this is a judgement free zone.

So here we are, nearly a month into meds and about 5 months into knowing I had HIV and around 8 since I think it all happened. All the horrific things about the meds which I guess they have to tell you because of the one in a million that have a bad experience – well they never happened. If I really think about it the only side effect is a slight headache or light head about an hour or two after taking the morning pills – I'm guessing its Truvada that is doing that. But if I don't think about it I never notice it. Well – that's the good news.

I know anyone who reads this will say “slut – you deserve what you get”. Well “F+++ you” We are kinda all in this together a bit and sure, I'm not little Mr goodie two shoes but I'm way not as active as some. The issue is – what is going on with everyone else – I have regular checks - did pre HIV as well – occasionally (twice) – picked up a normal std. I always got treated, was a good boy for the period they say etc. BUT ... in the last 4 months or so I have had Ghonorea (cant even spell it), Chlamydia (which I'm sure you can practically pick up off a toilet seat – maybe not quite but its damn easy, and recently Syphilis. What the F!!!!!! Yeh sure, mess around, you take your chances but I say to all the others – “clean up your act a bit guys”.

Enough of the preaching, apart from making me feel a bit down, the biggest issue is that the number of pills I take is just going up and up. I am always concerned about being found out – no one apart from sex partners knows I'm positive and even then only if its bb – but I'm afraid I now take so many pills I must rattle in the morning. 2 blood pressure, 1 cholesterol, 2 HIV, 1 digestive, and now 1 antibiotic, and bugger me dead it seems I have to take a vitamin D calcium tablet as well – who needs breakfast. The vitamin one came from a bone density scan which came out fine, but 1 of the 3 tests was on the low side of normal – still ok though. But apparently Truvada can hit your bone density and basically seeing as how going on this stuff so early was my choice I will say yes to anything that I need to do – so here we go – another pill for life. And all of that is just morning. There is another set for night – though a lot less. I need a separate suitcase for pills. Still – at least the pills exist and as I said above I don't have any side effects.

I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing as I was under 1000 viral and over 700 cd4 so way didn't have to, but, its true – now I don't have to worry about the little bastard virus coming up and getting me when I'm not looking.

Still all in all am doing pretty well – can still party all night – although going to bed at 7 am after a night on many bottles of wine has one draw back – I have to take my morning pills before I pass out – that's one hell of a lot of pills to go to sleep on. Also I'm closer to 60 than 50 and about to do my first half marathon – hate running but am fit, and want to have a private smile to myself at finishing (and I will – no doubt about it) and look at all the huffing and puffing bodies knowing that I did it with my little friend – a manageable but deadly virus, coming all the way with me – take that suckers!

As always, my only private hell is this whole disclosure thing – I always tell bb sex partners, but absolutely no one else knows. I have a whole other life and they don't know, thought about telling my ex, but decided its no ones business but mine – makes it a bit lonely and a bit freaky sometimes but such is life.

To date I seem to have so much more of an easy run than Peter, but it just shows – its not the virus itself as long as its managed, that fucks you up. Its all the other life complications that just seem to be a bit worse when your already living with the beast that can do you in a bit.
signed Mr X

For what it's worth, I think disclosure gets easier as time goes by. For me coming to terms with having HIV didn't mean I was dirty or bad, or that I deserved it in any way. HIV now is part of who I am, and although it's a bad disease I'm fucked if I'm going to be ashamed of who I am.

The issues of disclosure are still there, but I do it on my terms.  

Stupid bank

I've made the final payment to the nice but inefficient bank, but the other one has been a delay. Ironically this is the evil asshole bank, which chucked hissy fits left right and centre, at various stages of me trying to get my application through the Canberra bureaucrats to release my Superannuation funds to pay them. This was the bank that inferred at every communication I had with them that I was some sort of criminal trying to rip them off.

The original total for the credit card and personal loan was about $25,000 with this second bank, but the $guru negotiated that down to 80% of that, about $17,000, which would be the final payment. I signed that form of theirs the other month. The $guru though was wanting to get a final confirmation that this will be the end of it all, since it took them so long in Canberra to get through their bureaucratic bullshit.

This has turned into a slightly difficult affair. Because the $guru had to make an official complaint to the financial services ombudsman about the bank regarding my case to get them to be co-operative, said financial services ombudsman is now overseeing the case to ensure that correct and fair procedure is followed by the bank. Which in turn means that only one particular person at the bank is allowed to make an progress with the case at all. 

She's on holidays, won't be back until Monday.

Sat in the $guru's office while he tried in vain to get somebody there to make a decision, but all to no avail. Other than making a note on the file that we'd rung them, it all has to wait until Monday when said particular person arrives back from her holidays.

Oh well, fuck em. I tried. Have put the money into the high interest account at about 5.5% in the meantime, and explained that when I do get the final OK it'll take me one working day to transfer the funds (over the net) back into my working account where it will be paid from. Via BPay I assume, as with the other bank.

But really, how stupid. After all their threats and innuendo, you'd think they'd have somebody there for the 2 weeks that the particular person on holidays could have assigned responsibility to, to act on her behalf. A simple matter of just confirming a signed document and receiving the money, nothing earth shattering. So now they've had to wait nearly 2 weeks longer of their own accord.  

The Rolling Stones are 50 today

Your Destiny Will Keep You Warm

An HIV dilemna

The bloke rang again from the agency yesterday. He had another job he was wanting me to do. As I'm not in Lightning Ridge he was actually getting quite pushy about it. It was however a 3 day week (12 hours each) on afternoon shift. There's just no way I could do that. I'd not be able to get through 3  12 hour days in a row, or do afternoon shift. Although I've done afternoon shift for 10 years at my last job, it was on a five day week of only 7.5 hours a shift and before I got HIV. After HIV I eventually had to go back to day shift as I was just too exhausted all the time to last until 11pm.

He also had another job on offer very nearby here for a five day week, but also afternoon shift. Even if it was on day shift, I just don't think I'd be able to do five days again.

So I'm listening to him on the phone and wondering if I should just tell him outright that I've started an application for disability as I'm HIV+. But then I wonder if I do that he's not going to touch me with a fuckin 10 foot barge poll, and what if my disability application fails? Then I'll be up shit creak without the proverbial paddle. 

I don't feel good about this as it's almost on the verge of lying. I mean the inference is that I'm just having a bit of a break before getting back into work. The truth is however that I'm realising more and more just what's going to be required of me working for the agency and I'm increasingly doubtful about being able to do it. I mean working like a normal, healthy, fit bloke would, not just a mere 3 days like I was. Fuck he's talking about 12 hour days, or 5 day weeks. I just can't do that anymore.

So now I'm considering sending him an email over the next few days, not telling him I'm positive but simply saying I'm investigating the disability option. Won't tell him everything, just give him an idea. It may well completely shut the door on working for the agency, but if so well so be it. I have to be realistic about my capacity now. This shit is bloody hard work.

As for the disability thing, I'm sort of feeling vaguely confident about success. You basically have to prove you can't work more than 2 days a week, which for me would be a pretty easy thing to do. Especially with the last employment agreement I signed for the 3 day week, as it says in there specifically the reasons for me being put on those days being because of high absenteeism from illness. What really worries me is the interview with one of Centrelink's doctors, not from fearing that they won't think I'm sufficiently sick enough to go on disability, but because I'm going to have to recount some very painful memories. I may very well end up in tears, and I don't want to return to that pain.

Work rings, WTF?

I was at the bus stop yesterday waiting to go see the $guru and the phone rang. To my surprise it said "work" as the caller. Was in 2 minds to answer it but decided to anyway. It was my immediate supervisor on the phone. 

I listened in disbelief. She had jammed the guillotine knife half way down and wanted me to tell her how to fix it, so she could tell the engineers. I just couldn't believe it. They fire me saying I'm redundant/not needed any more, then I get a phone call asking me to help them do something to this machine because they don't know how? What a fuckin clown show.

I was in a good mood however and chatted with her about things, after all we'd worked together for over 13 years. I said that the procedure involved to fix the jammed knife was too complicated to describe over the phone, and that with that particular guillotine it was much harder to do than previous models. I suggested she go and get the person who fired everyone to do it. Or ring Heidelberg to come out at about $200 an hour. I know the engineers there wouldn't have a clue about it as they've not be trained in maintenance or operation of that machine in that dept. And there's no way I was going to tell them anyway.

The procedure involved is simple if you know what to do, but not if you don't. It also can be quite difficult as you have to wind it up by hand and a bit of strength is needed. That machine too is hard as the winding has to stop at a very specific place at the top, otherwise it just won't go. Oh what a shame that the machine's instruction manual seemed to get misplaced just before I left, and all my programmes I'd made on it over the years sort of accidentally got deleted. I'm sure the buffoon bean counters in the office will be so pleased to get charged $200 an hour for a simple procedure to be done that any guillotine operator knows how to do. Apparently my $26.50 an hour was too expensive for them.  

Again, this would have to be one of the stupidest management decisions I've ever seen made in all my working life. They've fired so many people that now they're not even able to do the little bits of work that are still being done there. I wonder how long it's going to take before they start loosing clients? Particularly as it's a very service oriented business. Financial penalties are involved if jobs are late; it's written into the contracts. 

Interestingly, I cam across this in the newspaper today about client satisfaction in Australia. It appears Aussies are pretty pissed off with the levels of service here. And why may that be? It explains:

Ms Vehrenkamp said the tough economy over the past three years meant businesses often felt obliged to cut back on training staff to deliver good customer service, which ultimately further damaged their business.

''Sometimes businesses have to do things like cut customer service staff and cut investment in training and I think that has a bad effect and I don't think businesses are realising that,'' Ms Vehrenkamp said.
Link

No shit Sherlock.

come with me and watch this darlings (silverchair)

I gotta post Silverchair again.

I am smashed.

This is the song after the other one that I posted earlier, when I was plastered.\

No. Maybe another time. I gotta post the emotional sickness one again. Was going in her room to tell her and boyfriend, that listen to this fuckin shit man. She knew the group and all. And the particular song; emotional sickness. Um but for a difference this is the video release. Look at how young they are there! When they started they were playing in pubs but they were too young to drink there being over 18.

Um, it doesn't appear to be that song either. Oh whatever.....