Guest post #2

Have been continuing on with the emails with this bloke, who has sort of accidentally ended up being called "Mr X" here because I was too lazy to think up a proper pseudonym. I think he finds it refreshing to be able to discuss with me openly his situation, as since being diagnosed his status has been kept very secret. I'm happy if he wants to post anything here, as I know how it can be a release to get things off your chest. Starting this blog has been one of the best therapies for me. 

Feel free to make comments if you so desire as he reads the blog of course. I should mention also, that this is a judgement free zone.

So here we are, nearly a month into meds and about 5 months into knowing I had HIV and around 8 since I think it all happened. All the horrific things about the meds which I guess they have to tell you because of the one in a million that have a bad experience – well they never happened. If I really think about it the only side effect is a slight headache or light head about an hour or two after taking the morning pills – I'm guessing its Truvada that is doing that. But if I don't think about it I never notice it. Well – that's the good news.

I know anyone who reads this will say “slut – you deserve what you get”. Well “F+++ you” We are kinda all in this together a bit and sure, I'm not little Mr goodie two shoes but I'm way not as active as some. The issue is – what is going on with everyone else – I have regular checks - did pre HIV as well – occasionally (twice) – picked up a normal std. I always got treated, was a good boy for the period they say etc. BUT ... in the last 4 months or so I have had Ghonorea (cant even spell it), Chlamydia (which I'm sure you can practically pick up off a toilet seat – maybe not quite but its damn easy, and recently Syphilis. What the F!!!!!! Yeh sure, mess around, you take your chances but I say to all the others – “clean up your act a bit guys”.

Enough of the preaching, apart from making me feel a bit down, the biggest issue is that the number of pills I take is just going up and up. I am always concerned about being found out – no one apart from sex partners knows I'm positive and even then only if its bb – but I'm afraid I now take so many pills I must rattle in the morning. 2 blood pressure, 1 cholesterol, 2 HIV, 1 digestive, and now 1 antibiotic, and bugger me dead it seems I have to take a vitamin D calcium tablet as well – who needs breakfast. The vitamin one came from a bone density scan which came out fine, but 1 of the 3 tests was on the low side of normal – still ok though. But apparently Truvada can hit your bone density and basically seeing as how going on this stuff so early was my choice I will say yes to anything that I need to do – so here we go – another pill for life. And all of that is just morning. There is another set for night – though a lot less. I need a separate suitcase for pills. Still – at least the pills exist and as I said above I don't have any side effects.

I occasionally wonder if I did the right thing as I was under 1000 viral and over 700 cd4 so way didn't have to, but, its true – now I don't have to worry about the little bastard virus coming up and getting me when I'm not looking.

Still all in all am doing pretty well – can still party all night – although going to bed at 7 am after a night on many bottles of wine has one draw back – I have to take my morning pills before I pass out – that's one hell of a lot of pills to go to sleep on. Also I'm closer to 60 than 50 and about to do my first half marathon – hate running but am fit, and want to have a private smile to myself at finishing (and I will – no doubt about it) and look at all the huffing and puffing bodies knowing that I did it with my little friend – a manageable but deadly virus, coming all the way with me – take that suckers!

As always, my only private hell is this whole disclosure thing – I always tell bb sex partners, but absolutely no one else knows. I have a whole other life and they don't know, thought about telling my ex, but decided its no ones business but mine – makes it a bit lonely and a bit freaky sometimes but such is life.

To date I seem to have so much more of an easy run than Peter, but it just shows – its not the virus itself as long as its managed, that fucks you up. Its all the other life complications that just seem to be a bit worse when your already living with the beast that can do you in a bit.
signed Mr X

For what it's worth, I think disclosure gets easier as time goes by. For me coming to terms with having HIV didn't mean I was dirty or bad, or that I deserved it in any way. HIV now is part of who I am, and although it's a bad disease I'm fucked if I'm going to be ashamed of who I am.

The issues of disclosure are still there, but I do it on my terms.