Am feeling extremely nervous today. I have the appt this afternoon to see the Centrelink doctor in regards to the disability support pension. It's an hour long appt. What concerns me is that they will be a complete stranger and I'm afraid of having to go through events of my life bit by bit, afraid of how I'll feel doing that. Much of what's happened is not easy to remember, not the act of actually remembering, but the act of reliving those memories. I fear this is a challenge beyond my capacity to deal with.
I often (even around the house) get bits and pieces of things that remind me of past events. Even just going in my daughters room sometimes evokes pain from the past. A picture on the wall. Little trinkets on the dresser that my wife bought my daughter at the hospital gift shop, the last of her birthdays that she was alive. ... On these occasions I avoid that pain, it's too much to think about and feel again. I'll leave the room or look away from the photo. I won't have that luxury at today's appt.
It was hard getting to sleep last night as the appt kept going through my head. And when I did sleep it was terrible nightmares. Woke up at midnight and shock my head, turned on the light, trying to shake off the fear from a dream. Eventually went back to sleep, only to continue with nightmares. This morning I tried to think positively and that my anxiety was a bit silly.
They will be a professional, I thought to myself. They'll know how to question appropriately for someone in my position, surely. I can't be the first person they've interviewed who has post traumatic stress.
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