Discussing options with the psychologist

Had a meeting with the psychologist yesterday after quite a gap between visits this time (wasn't planned just various things happened to have to reschedule). We discussed at length what I was wanting to do in the future given now that money, for the time being at least, was not an issue of concern.

I talked about Lightning Ridge and how I was going up there shortly for 2 weeks or so, just as soon as I got the money fixed up with the banks in Sydney. The $guru appears to be in high demand and very busy. He said he'd ring yesterday but didn't. I may ring to see if it's easier just to make an appt to see him. Anyway so that lead onto relating how Simon just doesn't like Sydney and now he's coming up with all these suggestions about using the money I've got now to, basically, get out of Sydney. He's suggested also the option of buying a cheap one bedroom unit right up in Cairns (far north Queensland; 2,500km's from here) by putting both our money together. This later option does sound appealing moving up to a warm northern Australian climate, but fuck it's just so far away. Which brings up other issues.

For a start I would have to find a whole new network of support, including an HIV GP, a psychologist, even just finding out where the local gay scene is up there. Do they have any clubs to join like here (I am a Harbour City Bears member) or social outings for HIV+ people to interact? Simon's view is that I haven't got a big network of friends here, which is true as I've never been able to make friends easily, but then again when I start thinking about all the people that know me and are happy to see me it's a different story. For example yesterday when I stopped at the front desk to let them know I was there to see my psychologist, both people smiled and said "hello Peter" before I was even to the desk. In a mental/health care situation, that's pretty special. I haven't seen these people in over 2 months at least. Moving to a new city so far away from Sydney as to have very little connections with it would be a hugely anxious experience for me to deal with, if I could at all. Imagine going somewhere where I knew not a soul, and had to build up my mental and physical health support from scratch. And I'm not exactly an easy run of the mill case!   

Last few days I've also been considering how things would be with my daughter if I moved away like that. Again, Simon's view differs from mine on this as well. His attitude is that she's 21 and she should be able to look after herself at that age. In his own experience with his kids that was certainly true, but my daughter has had a very different experience growing up than his kids did. She's had to deal with a lot, and in the last 10 years has seen her mother slowly die and (whoever's fault it may or may not have been) the complete breakdown of her relationship with her father (me). She's seen me on the verge of suicide, dragged into court by her and other events, and become HIV+. All the time not having a stable, safe and secure environment to live in. In fact, both our lives were a simultaneous train wreck. She hasn't been to counselling in any major way to discuss all these issues but I know that at some stage in the future she'll need to. I guess she's just not ready to face that pain right now, and is more concerned with stabilising her life.

In short, yes she's 21, and in some ways a very old 21. But she's also in many ways a very young 21. I'm her father, I know. I can see it. I get the feeling that her living here now she's almost trying to relive her late teens to some extent, in a much more stable environment. Including the relationship with me that was lost during that time. So how would she feel now if I just moved away completely? Abandoned? A bit lost? Scared? She's my daughter and I just couldn't do that to her right now. She's now enjoying the secure environment we have here and I've no doubt she'd feel threatened and anxious if that changed in a big way. I asked myself that maybe I was being a bit overprotective, but in her particular case I don't think so. She's not exactly an easy run of the mill case either.

So that pretty well leaves the idea of continuing in Sydney (for a while at least) as the best option for me right now. Unlike Simon, I like Sydney. Have lived here nearly 30 years in the same local area. I'm known here. Simon just doesn't get that. I can totally understand where he's coming from in his reasoning, but I just don't share in his overall conclusions in regard to my own life. He's a traveller, has been and lived all over the world. I'm not. The thought of being on a plane for hours on end, or living thousands of miles away from a place where I'm happy living anyway, has no appeal to me.

I guess that means that I'm going to have to earn money again. Ugh, working. Ack. We also discussed just how difficult it's been the last two years to keep the job I did. Very hard physical work, all kinds of mental and physical health issues, I even kept working through 2009 in my great year of catastrophe. I dunno if I've got the capability presently to go back to that hard slog. Thought I'll give the agency a ring end of the month and see if some part time work is around. 

Another thing that was suggested by the psychologist was to look into the possibility of getting the Disability Pension. Dunno if you need to have nothing in the bank to apply for that or not, will have to look into it. I know you can work up to 15 hours a week on it and still get it. My wife got put on it and I remember what a huge process it was for her to go through. The Centrelink form to do is a book. And inside the book is another book. From memory it took nearly 2 months to get it all through. Um, I'm not particularly in the mood right now to launch into another great tussle with BBB's (Bumbling Bureaucratic Buffoons). Have just finished a 5 month nightmare with them. The BBB's a fuckin everywhere. I think they're trying to take over the world.