All revved up with nowhere to struggle

Woke up this morning and dunno if it was because of some dream I was having or what, but I had a feeling of having to brace myself for the day. Lay there in silence remembering what I was doing today (going to the doctors) and wondered what had set off this notion of an impending struggle. There was after all, nothing on the agenda that would infer a struggle to get through it. So why was I feeling like this?

It was as if my body was setting itself up again for another day. Like it was on the starting blocks, muscles tensing, preparing to battle the odds. Perhaps there was something subconscious as well involved, and more than just a physical response there was an internal mental procedure happening. All of this in preparedness for another day of struggle. The only thing was that there was nothing to be struggling against.

Well nothing other than the usual fatigue of HIV, the slight vacantness from the happy pills for a couple of hours in the morning, the what appears to be a constantly aching back and neck, and other niggling little worries like that. But nothing on a grand scale, like having to lift tonnes of paper in a day, taking painkillers all day for my back, dealing with the bullshit that was a constant flowing entity out of the office's. Or trying to get a bank to be reasonable that I owed $25,000 to (BTW, I've still  not heard anything from the stupid bank, it being 3 weeks now since it was contacted by the $guru telling them I was able to pay them now).

Given the absence of impending doom on any grand scale, I thought it best to try and convince my head and body that there was in fact nothing hard to do today, and to relax FFS! It's like everything was revving up to go, and there was nowhere to go. Sort of like an open space of non-struggle. A struggle free zone. 

I guess this is a period of transition between all that shit I've been dealing with the last 12 months or so, and suddenly not having to any more.

Have been considering too the last couple of days at what exactly is going on in my head with work. Quite apart from the physical effort involved, there seems to be a major mental block when it comes to the prospect of work. Have been thinking about how the company treated us, me particularly in my last 18 months at the place. We were nothing more than numbers on a page for them. In fact in the meeting where we were all told we were being made redundant, we were referred to as "Units". 

So after 13 years that's what it came down to. I was simply a unit. I wonder if they have any idea how that makes people feel being treated like that. Apparently not. No wonder I'm feeling rather averse to the whole industry now.