A bad episode

This is difficult to write, but it's healing to do so. I had quite a bad episode last night.

I dunno where it came from, seemingly nowhere. Perhaps my mind just wandered into it by mistake. An episode of pain, that inner pain that comes from deep down. I don't even know what it was about, just that it hurt so bad. It welled up, unstoppable, and grabbed my consciousness. I don't know how long it lasted as I lost track of time.

The first wave came with increasing intensity. Stronger and stronger. The tears were just something peripheral, more the result of what was happening. Breathing stopped for what seemed like ages as I physically grimaced with the pain. Hands tightened into balls, tighter and tighter. It went on and on.

I just wanted it to end. Thoughts through my head, I can't stand this shit. I hate this nightmare. I just want it to end. Why is it back? How many more times will I have to endure this? I'm so tired of it. Flashes of suicide.... 

After what seemed like ages, the pain started to subside. My fists began to relax, they were sore from being so tightly closed for so long. The crying almost like a background noise now compared to what had just happened, a gentle whimpering. I lay there in bed, numb, glad of the reduced intensity. 

Thought about calling for my daughter to come and sit with me for a bit, but she was next door in her room with friends laughing and happy. I didn't want to worry her or put that on her. Thought about calling Simon, but he'd not understand. He tries but he just can't. He'd try to solve the unsolvable, when all I wanted was company. Or he'd come out with some ridiculous "You should be happy now" line. So I stayed alone to ride out the storm. Again.

A second wave started. I could almost feel it physically coming up from inside. The clenched hands, the gasping for breath, my whole body tightening as the wave overcame me. On it went, I don't know how long. I put a towel next to the bed to wipe the tears and blow my nose. As before it eventually receded, slowly but ever growing calmer. I was exhausted. 

I lay there for about 15 minutes and slowly went to sleep as the tears stopped flowing. Looking at the clock, a rough estimate for the whole episode was about an hour. I reflected on it, upset that it'd happened, but glad it wasn't quite as bad as some of the previous times in other years. Those times I'd ended up having panic attacks the crying and pain was so intense. 

There's no control over it when it happens. It doesn't even seem to be associated with a particular or group of events, but rather the pain took on a life of it's own back in 2009. Since then I've had these episodes, although they're getting farther between and gradually less intense. It's the sort of pain where crying doesn't help, it just makes it worse.

A bit stunned today. Don't want to go through that again in a hurry.