I just bought U2 tickets!

They are playing here in Dec. As I'm a paid subscriber to their fan club, I got offered pre-sale ones. They don't go on sale to the general public until this Fri.


It should be quite spectacular. 

Spare room dilemna

I opened the door of the spare room to show S. Ex flamate's stuff is still there, after months. He's gone to interstate and keeps saying will organise a truck to come get it all, but it never happens. S is horrified at it all and says it's just ridiculous.

It's actually a nice room when it's not full of crap. And I really need to rent the thing out, could get $150 for it easy. I do need the money too it's pretty hard paying the full rent here on my own. 


Not quite sure what to do from here. Tell the guy I'm moving maybe, or just put it into storage and give him the bill to pay. Even then will cost a couple of hundred $ to get a moving truck and men out to take it all. 


Haven't been particularly concerned until lately as it is a big step to start living with a flatmate again after being alone for all the time I have. But this is just getting beyond a joke.


S and I have been getting on marvelously. There's a new intensity and dimension with the sex, very hard to explain. A connection. The expression of that in the sex itself. It's not just sex, it's making love. Keeping that connection alive and thriving.

Work and sex

S has arrived for a few days from the country. 


The sex is intense, on a level more so than before.


It's been a long couple of weeks. Haven't had the packer guy there last few days who is on holidays, so it's turned into a bit of a crisis trying to get it packed into boxes and to stores. This is some of what I've cut up the last week or so, just took them with my phone.

The ugly face of intolerance

Saw someone the other day with one of those dreadful World Youth Day backpacks. Ugh. I went to the protest against it. Quite a number turned up, rather a lot from the gay and lesbian community which the Catholic Church of course sees as the arch enemy. We were able to stand next to their route as they slowly walked to the stadium to see the Pope. Chants included "The Pope is wrong, put a condom on", complete with blown up condoms designed to be a visual affront to the Pope stupid ideas. One of the dear catholic pilgrims, full of love for all humanity being the Christian catholics are, was arrested after punching one of the members of the protest. 





It was an afternoon of much fun and frivolity, and very much a pleasure to take part in. Not often you get to chant protests at catholics as they look right at you. Some of my pics. In the first one is the famous drag queen Vanessa Wagner:

Up before the alarm

Sounds like a small and insignificant thing, but I was awake and out of bed before the alarm went off at 6am this morning. WTF?


Almost weird. After 2 years of dragging myself out of bed like a zombie, this is certainly a huge change.


Still strange dreams though. Usually I get nightmares when I take a painkiller the night before as it mixes with the happy pills somehow. Last night however I had a smoke (got given a little bud). It was sort of a Sci Fi dream, and somehow a hologram other person had been made of me. The rest of the dream is long and involved, but I thought that was the weirdest bit. Eventually I met the hologram. WTF?

News from Taiwan!

I dunno what it means for HIV with Oz having a hung Parliament at the moment, but this animated news is from Taiwan about our politics. Utterly hilarious, and in fact quite close to reality.

Crikey!

Contrast; before meds and after starting

There is the thinking that once your infected with HIV then likely you won't even know it. And this is true for many, some go for 10 years or more with little or no symptoms at all. They appear healthy and hardly get sick with anything. Whether it's something to do with the strain of HIV I got, or simply my genetic make-up, this was not true for me.

When I got infected (nearly 2 years ago now) I got sick, really sick. This is when the viral load is very high. Had quite a few days off work for a one month period, and lost 5 kilos (11 pounds). It was like having a really bad flu. And during the last 2 years, even when the viral load has been low, have continually go sick with sore throats, runs, etc etc. Often feeling like I had the flu. Exhausted all the time. Yet my blood results would be fine. 

These days the thinking is to start meds no later than your CD4 count falling to 350 or less. My last result just before starting the pills was at 610. The only reason I even qualified to go on medication was because my viral load was over 10,000 (at 25,000). I guess they have that criteria as these are bloody expensive little pills and they don't want to be handing them out to just anyone. So in all respects there would have been nothing wrong as far as the medical profession was concerned with me remaining off the pills as my immune system was handling the HIV very well itself.

But this was at the expense of everything else, at least in my case. I would be constantly getting red irritated gums and mouth ulcers, some of those ulcers very painful lasting 2 weeks or more. I know this is a sign of a failing immune system as my wife had the some thing in the months leading to her death. Even at work a small paper cut would get infected and take ages to heal. For me, medication wasn't just something that would make me feel like I was doing something about the HIV, it was something that it turned out would make a huge difference to my everyday health.

Both physically and mentally too I suppose. Being exhausted for two years isn't exactly encouraging!

Of course I still get tired, I have a very demanding job. But I'd forgotten what it was like to be able to wake up in the morning and get out of bed without feeling like I needed another 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I can eat now without worrying about avoiding painful areas in my mouth. I have much more energy at work to get through the day, and no longer find myself almost catatonic with fatigue at the end of it. 

When I was diagnosed with the HIV I really didn't give a fuck. I described it to someone recently as the icing on the shit cake. Her reply was that going onto meds gave you the space and ability to deal with the shit cake. Quite the analogy I thought :)

Digesting the latest HIV tests results

Those results were a huge occurrence. It's only been a few days but there have been a few thoughts come to the fore. 

Firstly, quite stunned. I never expected the results to be that good. Within a month three pills taken in the morning have knocked the HIV on its ass. It seems too simple just yet, too good to be true. 

Slightly guilty. If this was so simple for me, why are others in the world dieing from this? Just three pills will mean that I live. Those who can't get them will die. Why me? I'm no fuckin saint. A chance of birth decides my fate.

Another chance? I've had a few darlings. Yet another one? 

So what is this HIV now? It's certainly not a death threat. It's a disease that is manageable like many others. What does that mean now for my life? 

I guess I can think of the future...

Only love... leaves such a mark.....

"Only love, only love can leave such a mark,

Only love, only love can heal such a scar"

Was on the earplugs today. Haven't listened to their latest album for a while. 

Made me think, so glad I've known love. So glad. Even after all the pain of loss, all the hurt, I'm still so glad. Some go through their whole lives and don't experience it. What I've had is the deepest there is, my wife and I together to the very end as she shared her last gift with me; her death. It was an experience of love deeper than any. 

When I was cleaning out the bedroom later, I found in her bedside drawer a tiny little hardcovered book, called "Love Letters". It was well made (I'm in the printing industry). I opened it, and it fell open to where the bookmark was. The book mark had been there so long that it had stained the page:

Today it's with her box of stuff. Memories that often are too hard to remember.

But we loved each other, more than anyone could know. We were one soul. I walked with her to her grave and when we parted we both left some of each other behind.

The last week in the nursing home, I will always remember the last hug that she was able, the last kiss, and the last goodbye as she left this world unconscious. I know I will never die alone, no mater what happens from now, as she will be there on the other side waiting for me. I know that, I just do. Such was our love for each other.

Yes, I have kno0wn love, and only that could leave such a mark. Yes, the pain, the hurt, the missing her, but yes I would rather have that than have not known her at all.

First HIV results taking meds.

Needed something to balance out the last fucked up 24 hours:

After 3 weeks and 2 days (when the blood was taken week and a half ago) the HIV viral load has plummeted massively from 25,000 to only 400. The CD4 count (immune  cells the HIV assimilates) have gone from 610 to 790; that of a completely healthy person. 

All in just over 3 weeks. The previous blood results were taken just prior to starting the meds.

Doc says he expects the viral load to become undetectable.

I'm still trying to digest this information.

A shit of a night

Awake for 3 hours with the runs, the time sleeping spent in nightmares. Strange, bizarre, horrible nightmares. I sit up before the alarm goes off and turn on the light. Am tired from lack of sleep, and upset, nearly in tears, from the head space the dreams have put me in.

During the night when awake have been trying to remember what happened that night with the police. I realise how little I do remember. Huge gaps over hours, with just the odd moment here and there I recall. I realise just how bad, just how emotionally distressed I must have been, to cause such a memory loss. 

I realise more than ever now that I suffer mental illness. My head isn't firing on all cylinders. It's not well at all. The memory loss happens if I get severely distressed emoionally. It's either protecting my head or a casualty of the chemical reactions that take place in the head during such times. Like when people don't remember a car crash or such like, even the bit of time just before it.

So with the police this is what has happened to my head from it. This is what they did to me.

Really missing S right now. He's coming to visit for a few days end of month. It'll be good to have someone there to hold at night.

The cat wants my pills!

Good grief, I dunno why but the cat is very interested in my HIV pills. When I put them out on the bed this morning just before swallowing them, it comes over and sniffs them intensely. WTF? Is it simply cat curiosity? Or is there something in them that attracts cats? Eeeck, am I going to start going catty? That could be a possibility being the drama queen that I can at times be.

In any case, I better take extra care in case the cat licks the bloody things. They're much to big for it to swallow, but I suppose it might think they were a cat biscuit and chomp them up. Fuck knows what they would do to it. Dread to think what a spaced out cat would be like. Probably meow all night and keep me awake. Or maybe just lie there in a catatonic state, oblivious to it's surroundings as the day went by in a blur.

They're a bit hard to swallow in the morning, throat a bit dry I guess. The lovely blue coloured one is coated so is easy, but the two white ones aren't. Dunno why. Maybe something to do with absorption? It seems strange to me that a months supply of pills that cost the gov around $1,000, that the manufacturers would be too fuckin cheap to coat the things. 

Getting Home

It's Friday at fuckin last. Today was especially busy at work, although for some reason as yet not known I'm not about to fall in a debilitated heap of exhaustion. I feel tired, but as expected anyone would after a days work like today.

I go home slowly. It involves a trip to my GP on the bus for meds, just blood pressure and that wonderful Panadene Forte that I can take for strong pain; my shoulder has been sore with work of late and it completely stops the pain!

Then it's to a stop off at the local pub for a Fri night beer or two. Chat with friends. Real friends. Laughs about little secrets, he he......

And then home. I get in the door, it's dark even though I left the kitchen light on for the cat. And as soon as I shut the front door, before I turn on the light, the cat meows right there. She has been lying there waiting for me at the door. Oh what a sweetie :)

It's good to be home :)

AWAKE

OK I only had one fuckin beer yesterday but it was like I was on speed this arvo FFS. 

I dunno if this is some weird side effect, or are the drugs working as predicted, and the HIV fatigue is going? The fatigue is from even my healthy immune system having it's ass hanging out to deal with it.

The fatigue has been with me since I was infected nearly 2 years ago. Needing 10-12 hour sleeps a night. Utterly exhausted after work, sitting where-ever, almost stunned from it. 2 years is a long time to go through that. 

My mouth has been free of ulcers and not sore at all since I started taking the pills a month ago. I am hoping "C", really really hoping....

One month on HIV meds

Today finished the first lot. Have survived intact :)

Find out Mon the first blood results. Sometimes wonder how I'll feel if these ones aren't doing it and I have some strain of HIV resistant to them. It does happen. They then have to try other meds. Sometimes none of the "first line" ones work at all, and they have to try second line ones; only available if the others haven't worked. Met a couple of people like that at the Positive Living Centre.

It would be ironic that finally after going through all of the crap of recent years, and getting back to a point of not wanting to kill myself, that I would be facing death again. Albeit it wouldn't be a quick one of my own choosing.

Nausea, pills.....

Tuesday. It is cold and pouring rain outside. I have been feeling quite sick and nauseous since Sunday. Upset stomach and the runs. Eating properly don't know what it is. Got up this morning for work and vomited, went back to bed. I may get this day taken out of holiday pay, think they'll be happy with that. Lots to do at work but nothing urgent so all fine there. 

Seeing doc tomorrow re blood pressure pills. Will ask him then about the nausea. It's pretty bad, don't feel much like eating. 

Maybe I'm just ill from hypocrisy, he he :)

Well, tomorrow another day. Just keep going I suppose.

Someone asked jokingly about the depression and killing yourself thoughts, all lighthearted. I mean you do have to have a sense of humour about these things, mine is particularly dark! I replied simply that I wouldn't want to kill myself at the moment as I had too many wonderful pills to take!

Hypocrisy

Hypocrisy. One of the very worst characteristics of the human condition. I met it today in the strangest of places; a sex club.

There I was, snubbed and looked down on by a person who is integrally involved in the support given to HIV+ men, when I saw him there as I was on the way out. He snubbed me, his head in the air (a picture easy to imagine). What was surprising though is that he was at the exact same venue as me.

I think I may re-think getting "support" from the place involved where he most is. I will not put up with moralising by a hypocrite. That look said it all. He can fuck off, I don't need that shit, especially from someone who is not supposed to be judgmental.

It is the worst thing, those preaching this or that, to be involved with this or that themselves.

Not long before that I overheard part of a conversation going on there, in which someone said "Does he use a condom?", and asked the question about the possibility I may be positive. The answer was "probably, if you asked him". I now assume that this was said person described above saying this. In which case, to do that to anyone involved in the so called "support" offered where he is, is against everything they preach there. You do not reveal someone's status to others without permission. Not even hint at it. That's up to me, not some fuckin jerk who thinks he's holier than thou.

And yes those that I was involved in knew my status, I told them. Given the activity involved in the encounters (a safe one pretty much) nobody cared anyway. Those that went further used a condom.

I am at the moment very fuckin pissed off. I have sent a delicately worded email to above person hinting at his judgmentalness, and the other possibility. My view of the specific place he is involved with has taken a big dive. Doubt will be having anything to do with it at all in future. They can get fucked (which is exactly why said person was there, being a "bottom").

Boring :)

Not much chance to get near the PC this last week. Thursday got blood taken after work to see if the HIV meds are doing it, will go back Mon week for the results. Also got the next months supply from the pharmacy there. Also had the meeting with the psychologist.

Think I may ask about leaving a bit more time between visits next time. One month seems a bit frequent now as there really was very little to talk about. I suppose that's very good, no crisis or anything. Looks like I have boring :)

Busy at work, lots of printing done. Runs of over a million some jobs. Got a sore shoulder a couple of days there, but seems better now.

A bit emotional

Sick today. Got the runs, ack. Was up all bloody night with it. Only an hours sleep if that. Couldn't go to work. Will get doc cert later on today, not that it matters much as I've run out of sick pay again. I guess at least it'll prove that I am actually sick for the office bean counters and the factory manager. Could take it as a day of annual leave as I've actually built up nearly 3 of them, but I reckon it'd look better if I was trying to get something behind me rather than continually using it. So looks like a day without pay again, oh fuckin joy! Getting money back in the tax return so not to worry.

The professional involved who so disappointed me yesterday apologised via email; it had turned into an email thing. The idiot wanted me to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, or the Langton Clinic (that one has a huge reputation all over Sydney as where druggies go for rehab) because of the 5 or so beers I have chatting at the pub on the way home from work usually. FFS!  Give me a fuckin break! Needless to say I basically told him to fuck off, although it took me a few hours before I'd calmed down enough to send an email without swearing in it.

The most disappointing thing about it was that this was supposed to be, I was told, someone extremely wonderful at what they do. They are in the thick of it, deep in the support structure of HIV+ people. This is someone who I fully expected to understand, and I'd sent quite a long email explaining some of my situation in regards to the new HIV pills. And WTF do they do? Start preaching at me about a few measly beers after fuckin work FFS. All the other doctors, support people, are all fine with it, doc even told me I can drink on the new pills. Then I cop an email bashing about the horrors of drink, with listings of services to go to, to try to stop.

A few drinks help, and those who know and understand me know that.

Helped my daughter move some of her big stuff yesterday. Is a good move for her as she's finally out in private rental accommodation (sharing house) all on her own. Working very near here full time in a child care trainee-ship.  No more relying on subsidised rent from the gov or handouts from Centrelink. Not bad for a 19 year old being completely independent like that.

The room she moved to though was too small for some of her stuff as it was already furnished, so I've let her store the large set of drawers and her double bed here. The set of drawers I bought for he mother years ago, so quite a few memories attached to it. Even down to a circular stain on the top where some perfume spilled on the varnish. Just took a deep breath.....

Tonight I'm feeling very alone.

It hasn't been the best of days. Memories roaming around. A trusted professional that I was told would understand didn't at all. 

Strange. Tonight I feel very alone, but at the same time I just want to be alone because of that. How weird.