Safe and sound

Woke up this morning and felt terrible, well in the head at least. I'd been feeling a bit down last evening and had had some rather bad nightmares over night. The kind that leave me feeling worried about something, not anything in particular, just generally worried about things. I'd had a bad night even apart from that as I had the runs again and was up 4 times in an hour to the throne.

One of the things bothering me last night and bringing on depression, was thoughts about my daughter. I know yes, my head isn't a predictor of the future. It is however the result of evolution, one of the survival mechanisms being that those who prepared for the worst survived better than those who didn't. Hence my head is imagining the worst in preparation for the worst. That doesn't mean that the worst will happen though.

That worst case scenario being that my daughter will have nothing more to do with me for the rest of my life. A thought that baffles me at her stupidity if that is the case, but one that doesn't engender anger. I feel depressed about it yes, a bit anxious yes, but not angry. So that may well be playing a big part in this morning's feelings.

One of the dreams overnight was very vivid too. I'm not taking any HIV pills that make you have nightmares so it's not that, but the last few months these bad dreams have been getting more frequent. This one I've had before. It's usually something about my old work, and trying to do an impossible job that's been promised to the client in an impossible time and getting hardly anywhere with it. Real nightmare kind of stuff. Like running and getting nowhere. This one had a particular little twist though that's very relevant; included in this dream's plot was that I was only there for about a week to help out with this impossible job, and then I realised that maybe I shouldn't have as Centrelink might be overpaying me if I was working for that week and I may end up with Centrelink debt. Lovely. Thank you Abbott for that one....  

So I wake up this morning feeling pretty bad. The world outside the bedroom seems foreboding and scary. I go to get up as it's already 8am but I feel exhausted. I decide to stay where I am for now.

I consider how I'm feeling as I lie there. How I should deal with these horrible feelings. To add to the picture, it's a dark raining day here in Sydney now making the thought of outside the house particularly foreboding. As I felt warm and safe in bed, and still feeling tired, I went back to sleep for a bit. And had another nightmare.....

Then I remembered what the psychologist said recently, that there's nothing I could have done or could do to change the situation. It's therefore best to concentrate on my relationship with David as that's what's most important to me. After all, if my daughter actually does go through with the life long excommunication of me then the only immediate family I'd have left would be David. 

He was asleep still, had had a bad night as well up coughing on and off. Now however was sleeping soundly. Moved over next to him and put my arm around him, gave him a little kiss on the neck and drifted back off to sleep with him. I felt safe, secure, home. The fear drifted away. The two cats were asleep in their latest preferred spots in the room. We were all together, safe and sound. Nothing could hurt us together like this.