Lady Antebellum - Need You Now (2010 Remix)

Shows how much I've not been listening to music during the train wreck, as I'd never heard this one before :s  It's another from David's Ipod, and he searched it on YouTube other night when we were watching it on the big telly. 


"And I wonder if I ever cross your mind? For me it happens all the time......"

NASA satelite - Australia at night

This is so cool. Nasa has gone about releasing a video put together somehow by their video gurus, showing the entire planet of earth at night. Of course though darlings the northern hemisphere is all a bit boring for me, being as it's way out of reach for me. But I was really amazed by the pictures of Australia. I saved a snip of part of the video:

You can see (starting from the far right of Australia and going clockwise) the cities of Brisbane, Sydney (me, me, me!), Melbourne on the bottom, next Adelaide, and way over west on the coast is Perth (three time zones from Sydney). 

But what I thought was so amazing is the bright lights in the middle of the western desert. They're bush fires (wild fires). As there's nobody much there I suppose they just let them burn themselves out. Fires get started in the wild by lightning, and they're a big part of the ecosystem here. Aboriginals know a lot more about fire than us non-indigenous and know how to use it for the land.

Here's the video I saw in the news, it's the only one I could find on YouTube of it. It's just a short thing, looks like a report about it rather than the actual video. Here's the link to the story.

He's got my heart

I met David at the pub today, he was late getting there and I was using the time to casually drink beer. He's out tonight at his work Christmas party, but was coming for a couple with me before travelling there. One of the blokes in the pub came over to me before David arrived, and made a point of telling me that he was very nice and all and liked it that we were getting together. I said that we'd only met a few weeks back not wanting a relationship, but we had to re-define the relationship after the first fuckin week man. He reckoned, well it just happens sometime like that. And really, fuck, Simon and I got together in a sex club, I'm certainly open to getting together via a chance meeting at the pub.

Got home after the pub and sent David the message; "You've got my heart". He rang and we joked about it, but apparently I've got his heart too. Um...... we'll see. 

Christmas approaches

Couple of days ago I was at the supermarket up the road. Walking into the mall my ears were accosted by the sounds of Christmas songs playing throughout. I did a mental shudder, fuck I wasn't expecting that. I suppose I've been so wrapped up with other things lately that the Christmas hysteria has so far passed me by.

It's a horrible time of year for me. Just hearing those songs playing in the mall was enough to feel that pain again. The whole Christmas thing has for me become nothing more than a cruel reminder from extremely dark times. Christmas is a time to endure, to plod through determinedly, to avoid as much as I can the reminders. Hopefully this year won't be so bad, but then I say that every year. 

Daughter's new job are closing down for a month over the Christmas/new year period, and as she's only been there a few weeks she's only built up 2 days of annual leave. So guess who's going to be paying the rent on his own again for a month....  It's not her fault though, and it's a good job so it's worth sticking with it. She has though got a couple of days a week work with some of the kids she looked after locally before getting this job, so at least I won't have to buy her food as well!

I'm getting confused about Simon, he's sent another email. In it he says he'd not realised how much he was in love with me, never happened before. Oh no, I dunno WTF to even reply back. Will give it a day or so to think about it. I mean in all that time we,ve known each other he's never said that. I've no inclination to go back to him, but I do hope he doesn't get too down and gets through it OK. I loved him to, still do, but it just wasn't working. 

David and I are still seeing each other every day. I had him at my place last night. Wasn't working today. Think my daughter has been missing me a bit as I've been over his place so much. She made a comment a couple of days ago that I was always over there. That and it's probably a good thing to get him out of the atmosphere at his place with his flatmate. I even said a few words to the flatmate about what he'd said about David's childhood; that I wasn't taking sides in the domestic, but that that was really wrong. Later he apologised to David, a bit conditionally but still an apology. My view was that the subject is completely off limits.

David has a birthday very close to Christmas. Maybe that will brighten things up a bit around this dreary time. 

Uganda's gay hate law

Amnesty Int. has been sending out emails informing of a law possibly about to be passed in Uganda. It goes much further than the already bad situation that exists there, and penalties for being gay under this law could mean life in prison.

It's hard to get my head around this, living in a place like Sydney it's unimaginable. I didn't know things were so bad in Uganda. You can email a letter to the Uganda PM here.

Your email to Uganda's President and Prime Minister - along with those of people around the world - will help show that the international community does not accept severe discrimination like this. 

While homophobia is widespread in Uganda, so is a belief in basic human rights. Together our voices can boost those within Uganda that promote kindness, tolerance and respect over hatred and ignorance. more

Gillard declares end of the world

OMG! The end is nigh! Run for the hills! more

Emergency bed

David and I decided to try again for a night sleeping, apart, at each others places. We were um, in the middle of another heated session and when it looked like it was going to go on and then the inevitable me staying over, I decided to suggest we stick to trying to sleep the night and I go home and we can carry this on later. We both agreed and he rang me when I was home saying he was off to bed. He's been working on top of all this sex and the poor dear is exhausted, not to mention me as well being a bit older. Fuck yesterday I spent half of it in bed drifting in and out of sleep, so tired. Oh the hazards of bonking with HIV!

Then about half an hour later he rings again. Him and his flatmate have had an enormous argument about his flatmate not doing his share of the household cleaning, leaving parts of it in rather a decrepit state. His flatmate, strangely for me, is his ex partner. I dunno how that all happened, none of my business. But anyway, it turned into a massive bitch session and his ex bought up something from his childhood just to be vindictive. When David told me on the phone what he said I was dumbfounded, it should be something completely off limits. Needless to say David was very hurt and just wanting to get out of there.

So he spent the night round here, I said that's fine whenever you want an emergency bed here it is :)  My bed's more comfortable than his anyway, it's got a sheepskin underlay for my back, very soft and relaxing. After arriving he just lay on the bed for a bit looking sort of shocked, don't blame him. Hugged him and he was crying, tired of dealing with it all. Told him I knew exactly how he felt and he's here now and safe for the night. We both slept well holding each other, me him especially.

Marriage "illegal"

Daughter sent me this picture, pretty funny.

Psychologist visit

The psychologist appt went very smoothly yesterday. 

I told him about David and what was happening with Simon. He agreed that three years was more than enough time for Simon to come out with the "love you deeply" statement. I thought myself that it was a little bit strange that after 3 years knowing each other and all, that he said that only after I told him what was happening with David.

The psychologist has been seeing me since 2009 when I nearly topped myself. He's been there through the train wreck when it was at it's crescendo and seemed it was never going to stop. He even said to me a couple of times that he just couldn't believe how such bad things kept happening to me. So he was surprised and very happy for me when I told him about David.

At one point I joked, "Lucky I didn't kill myself". He really appreciated that. 

Finished the appt early as I didn't feel like being there anymore and there didn't seem to be anything more to talk about.

Unions pressuring Abbott re manufacturing

Email today from my union, the AMWU. They're asking people to send a letter to Tony Abbott asking him exactly what the Coalitions policies are regarding our car industry.
Can do it this site:
http://makingourfuture.com.au/tell-tony-abbott/

The guy deserves to be put under pressure with this. Here is the letter to add your name to:

Dear Tony Abbott and Sophie Mirabella,

I am concerned about Australia’s car industry.

The auto industry is at the heart of our manufacturing sector, and provides over 200,000 jobs.

Given the head of GM Holden Mike Devereux's recent comments that "2013 will be the year that Australia decides whether it wants a car industry or not", I would like to know what Liberal Party’s policy is regarding our car industry.

What is your policy to protect these jobs, and the skills and innovation that come with them in light of the pressures our car industry currently faces.

These jobs are important to me, so I am keen to know what your policies are in terms of ensuring this industry stays strong.

Are you committed to government co-investment and will you commit to at least maintaining the current levels of funding to the industry?

What is your position on encouraging all Australian governments to buy Australian cars for their local fleets?

In the last ten years the percentage of Australian made cars in state, federal and local governments have dropped from 66 per cent to 33 per cent, and that’s not good enough.

Will you bring about policies that encourage and compel local fleets to be Australian made, or do you agree with Mr Hockey that Australians don’t like Australian cars?

If you were elected Prime Minister, what would you do specifically to support the local car industry?

Or will you simply leave the industry to the whims of the market, while other car manufacturing countries continue to provide support for their car industries?

I look forward to your correspondence.

Kind regards,

Fatigued

Two weeks now since meeting David. Have seen each other every day. Last night we both decided that we needed to get a proper nights sleep, and so slept at our own places. We were both just exhausted. I slept 12 hours which isn't unusual for me except of late. He went to bed early too as he was working today and had to get up early.

I got the psychologist this afternoon and will stop by his place after that for a bit. Think maybe another night of sleep might be in order, will see.

Abbott's slush (fund)

Is it ground hog day and nobody told me? Or is my brain stuck in a 3 year loop? I'm referring to the blathering ravings assaulting my eyeballs from the Coalition and cohorts springing forth in the lead up to the federal election next year. We've seen it all before, so WTF makes them think this shit is actually going to work this time? Didn't they learn any lessons at all from their pitiful election strategies in 2007, finger pointing and dragging the Rudd name through the dirt? Didn't they hear the bored yawns from the real world? 

Firstly, they've dragged out that old fossil Peter Reith again, banging the drums of war against those dastardly evil, terrible, unions and their union bosses. Exactly like 2007. Reith of course was that revolting Howard gov workplace relations minister back early on in the Howard gov reign of terror, against any who dared to be a union member and act accordingly. Most notably, Reith organised the waterfront dispute against the MUA here in Sydney after travelling to New Zealand and studying how the unions had been broken over there (it had started with the breaking of the wharfies). Here in Sydney him and Howard fully supported this:

In the middle of the night on April 7th 1998, security guards, some in balaclavas, emerged from rubber dinghies and buses with dogs and barbed wire, entered Patrick Stevedoring terminals across the country and escorted the night shift from the wharves.

Between 1400 and 2000 wharfies, all members of the Maritime Union of Australia (MUA), were abruptly sacked. “We were loading a ship, two gangs of workers, when security guards jumped on the moving cranes and grabbed the keys out of the ignition. The place was crawling with them, about 100 men and dogs,” said job delegate Jake Haub. more

BTW it ended up in court with the court ruling the sacked workers should be reinstated. And now he's back again, chucking some union bashing fit about what should be done about unions if Abbott wins:

FORMER workplace relations minister Peter Reith has called for a Coalition government to set up a broad inquiry into behaviour and governance in the trade union movement and not just into the Australian Workers Union slush fund affair.

He said one issue it should look at was the practice of unions setting up other entities. Read more

I see where this is all going.....  Oh joy, my union will get a thorough examination ordered by a partisan gov who is against unions, just wonderful. A pity the same couldn't be said for the large corporations who dragged the world into the GFC. Nah, they're fine, it's those unions with their union funds and all.... they gotta be clobbered because they have different political beliefs than a Coalition gov.

Not to be outdone, Abbott is trying to build up his own little narrative for the coming election, it's looking something like this at the moment: Unions are evil, they have slush funds, Gillard organised a slush fund and therefore is an evil unionist. Or something akin to that. Abbott has now gone into some kind of self imposed psychotic state, apparently thinking that by promising another enquiry (if he gains gov) into Julia Gillard herself, an enquiry about something from last century (20 years ago), that this will aid in his bid for The Lodge.

Ms Gillard was referring to the terms of reference associated with the inquiry Mr Abbott has promised to hold into Ms Gillard's role as a lawyer for Slater & Gordon in the early 1990s. The terms largely target Ms Gillard's alleged actions.

Should she lose the next federal election, Ms Gillard will either be an opposition frontbencher or a private citizen and she believes continuing what has already been a 20-year ''witch-hunt'' against her would be beyond the pale for a newly elected government.

''Mr Abbott is now going to ask the Australian people in 2013 to vote for him on the basis that the centre of his prime ministership would be continuing with this personal campaign of sleaze and smear,'' Ms Gillard told the Ten Network's Meet the Press program on Sunday. '

'The driving purpose of his prime ministership would be to continue a fight against me, rather than a fight for the Australian people.

''Well, I think Australians are heartily sick of this.'' Read more

Fuck, what a fuckin moron man. Abbott has lost a huge amount of ground in the last 6 months and he seems incapable of seeing why. Is this supposed to be part of his new policy platform? To promise to spend public money on a gov witch hunt? Fuck I hated Howard and personally think he should face war crimes, but an enquiry into someone about bits of paper that far back? It's completely meaningless. I don't vote Labor, but Abbott isn't PM material at all, he's obsessed with the minutia of petty little arguments based on fallacies. Hasn't a clue about running the place. I can't imagine him at all mixing it on the world stage at the UN or some such thing.

Even now he's not conscious of how much this strategy is going to backfire on him. He's walking right into the leading role in the Gillard gov's election narrative. I know voters can be pretty fuckin dumb, but this is simply beyond even voter dumbness. This shit belongs back in the kindergarten playground.

There's one more thing Abbott should consider if he's going to continue this pathetic playground behaviour. Just a small little thing that has been a touch overlooked in his ferver to nail Gillard to the cross baying for blood; the fact that he has his own slush fund questions to answer from 1998 (less time ago than Gillards version).

In 1998 Abbott gave a signed personal guarantee to Terry Sharples, who'd fallen out with One Nation, that he would not be out of pocket for legal action to stop One Nation receiving $500,000 in public funding. 

Soon after, Abbott denied to the ABC that funds had been offered to Sharples. 

Abbott, about to become a minister, then set up the Australians for Honest Politics Trust. He responded to the Australian Electoral Commission's request for disclosure by writing: ''I spoke with one of Australia's leading electoral lawyers who assured me that the trust would not be covered by disclosure provisions''. The commission accepted that. 

But later Abbott told Kingston he had only sought the legal advice after being queried by the AEC. When the discrepancy was put to him, he said he had had more than one conversation with the lawyer. 

Despite claiming he'd be happy to disclose donors if the AEC wanted him to do so, after the AEC took a new position in 2004, seeking the information, Abbott maintained he should not have to provide it after so long and did not give it over. 

In a 2003 interview with Kerry O'Brien, Abbott was confronted with a 1998 untruth, when he had told Tony Jones that he had not promised Sharples any money. His rationalisation was Jesuit-ical. ''There is a difference between telling someone he won't be out of pocket and telling someone that you're going to have to pay him money''. In an earlier newspaper interview. Abbott had said: ''Misleading the ABC is not quite the same as misleading the Parliament.''. Read more 

Maybe that was non-core slush?

Pet snake

New Zealand and Australia are both very similar in lifestyle, but there's one big difference; New Zealand doesn't have snakes. Although I've lived here for years I've never been able to get used to the idea of snakes. So my daughters boyfriend has bought one for a pet, WTF?

It's not poisonous, lives 20 years and up to 7ft long. Told her just keep the thing away from me, and FFS don't lose the thing out of it's cage. Can't imagine having that slimy creeping little thing roaming around the house ready to scare the shit out of me at any moment. Not only that but the cat would eat it at that size, is only small, would be a very tasty treat I expect.

World AIDS Day

I bought a red ribbon by people selling them yesterday. I also bought this wrist band thing. David got a red one so I got black. Later thought black was an interesting colour as it makes you think of all the people that have died of AIDS. This is my HIV+ hand.

Heart-breaker

Got a reply from Simon that was much more sensible after the initial one he sent. Think he was a bit upset in that one and making assumptions about himself regarding me that just weren't true. I emailed back to him that none of this was anyone's fault, including him. And it's true I'm not angry at him at all, or that I lost interest, it was simply a barrier between us that couldn't be overcome. He did agree with me that the HIV played a big part in that barrier.

So he sent me a reply to that that I was telling him. It was a much better email, much more together and happier. Said he'd already arranged to sleep at his friends place down the road from here anyway when he comes on the 20th this month, and he was getting on with what he was trying to accomplish before the trip down.

But he said something that threw me off guard. He'd never said it before.

"I did feel actually sick and have been emotional over the last few days, it was then I realised I am deeply in love with you, never felt like this before."

Oh shit, I so didn't want him to be hurt. But really? He felt like that? I dunno, maybe things might have been different if he'd had of made some sort of decision earlier, looking at himself to gauge his feelings and then the consequences that followed. I mean I love him too, he's a wonderful person, but it just didn't work out. I guess sometimes you need more than just love, like practical things such as being around and not having to travel 1,000k's to see each other, or even making some sort of attempt to actually understand me having HIV and not simply preaching to me about what I should be doing. I'm sure there'd be some sort of counselling service available to HIV- partners of HIV+ people. That thought wouldn't have even crossed his bloody mind. And the depression, and in fact me having counselling, and me taking happy pills, all these he thought could be fixed by his methods. Like a "tonic". WTF?

Anyway we're going to see each other when he comes down, will be good to see him after all this and let him know face to face how I've felt. 

So it looks like I'm now officially a heart-breaker. Not a status I enjoy.