Saturday, 1 December 2012

Heart-breaker

Got a reply from Simon that was much more sensible after the initial one he sent. Think he was a bit upset in that one and making assumptions about himself regarding me that just weren't true. I emailed back to him that none of this was anyone's fault, including him. And it's true I'm not angry at him at all, or that I lost interest, it was simply a barrier between us that couldn't be overcome. He did agree with me that the HIV played a big part in that barrier.

So he sent me a reply to that that I was telling him. It was a much better email, much more together and happier. Said he'd already arranged to sleep at his friends place down the road from here anyway when he comes on the 20th this month, and he was getting on with what he was trying to accomplish before the trip down.

But he said something that threw me off guard. He'd never said it before.
"I did feel actually sick and have been emotional over the last few days, it was then I realised I am deeply in love with you, never felt like this before."
Oh shit, I so didn't want him to be hurt. But really? He felt like that? I dunno, maybe things might have been different if he'd had of made some sort of decision earlier, looking at himself to gauge his feelings and then the consequences that followed. I mean I love him too, he's a wonderful person, but it just didn't work out. I guess sometimes you need more than just love, like practical things such as being around and not having to travel 1,000k's to see each other, or even making some sort of attempt to actually understand me having HIV and not simply preaching to me about what I should be doing. I'm sure there'd be some sort of counselling service available to HIV- partners of HIV+ people. That thought wouldn't have even crossed his bloody mind. And the depression, and in fact me having counselling, and me taking happy pills, all these he thought could be fixed by his methods. Like a "tonic". WTF?

Anyway we're going to see each other when he comes down, will be good to see him after all this and let him know face to face how I've felt. 

So it looks like I'm now officially a heart-breaker. Not a status I enjoy.