More overtime

Am working again tomorrow (Sat). The second week in a row. The work has piled up so much. It turns out the agency bloke is doing afternoon shift at our work Wed-Fri, after working a full day somewhere else before getting there. Basically a double shift for 3 days in a row, on top of doing days on Mon-Tues at our work. He's getting rather tired I'd say, and isn't doing much at all on some of the nights he works. Just coming in and having a rest. The dept head asked me today about adding an extra day (Tues) to my week when it's busy like this. It sounds good to me at the moment. I've never seen so much work backlogged in Print waiting to be cut. In 13 years there I've never worked overtime 2 Sat's in a row on cutting.

Simon has arrived back in Sydney from New Zealand today. Just having a quiet night in as I'm tired and it's raining. 

A wonderful reaction

I've recently gotten back into contact with a sister in New Zealand. We used to write the occasional letters back and forth, but fell out of contact for (must be) nearly 5 years I reckon. She got my email via a chance meeting with the only other person who has emailed me from NZ; my oldest brother's wife. 

We've done the usual hello and various chit chat things last few months. I spend half my life online, but evidently in NZ they don't. Dunno what it is about the internet and NZ, it just doesn't seem to get used by as many people over there. Or maybe it's the typing thing. I (very progressively at the time) spent six months in high school learning how to type. Typing just wasn't done by blokes back then, they weren't even electric. I think it was an elective I took, and me and a couple of other boys were the only males in there. It was the first year the high school had offered typing to boys. The room was filled with manual typewriters, and part of learning to type was about how to press the keys with enough pressure to make an image on the paper.

Anyway, I felt it was time she knew more about me than just the chit chat. In reality we'd not shared much of each others lives in decades. So I sent her the link to my blog. She didn't know that I'd jumped the fence, or that I had HIV. I had no idea of what her reaction might be. So I was very interested to open the reply when it came. Um, I won't correct the spelling, apparently that's how Kiwis email!

thankyou so much for sharing your life with me. i love you so much and you have me on your side supporting you. im here if you need support even just to talk to someone. simon sounds like a soul mate for you and im so glad you have found him. i have considered suicide a couple of times but havent succeded . a real close male friend of mine jumped off paritutu and died. i can now understand how my family would feel if a had managed to be with mum. i cant stop thinking about him the good times and how things could have got so bad. i wish i could be with you as a sister and a friend . you have been through so much and in my heart i so want to see you again.i will save up and come to you for a while just to be there with you and be together . i am so over the moon that you have entrusted me with how you are living. you have my heart and i am proud to say you are my brother.all my love to you please contact me asap as every time i hear from you is so precious even before i read your blog all my love your sis _____

What a wonderful reaction... 

Financial advisor to the rescue

Went to the appt with the financial adviser yesterday afternoon. A very bad time at 4pm as getting there by bus there was heaps of school kids cramming them all. 

He put my mind at ease considerably. He is going to contact my specialist doctor for me (like he did last time) and discuss the whole matter with him himself. He to is mystified as to what exactly they want in this specialists letter. The specialist wrote the first one at my request, but the $guru said it needed more put in it. He then contacted the doctor himself and arranged another letter to be written, which is the one that was sent in with the form.  I mean the letter sent does (to me) explain what they want explained in this further request. Fuck I know they're bureaucrats, but how blinkered can they be to plain English?

He also said that the bad bank (that has given me trouble right from the beginning on the first day I walked into my local branch in person, to tell them of my financial plight) was not co-operating with him. So he made an official complaint about my case and the bank involved to the Financial Services Ombudsman. They have now changed their tune. 

He also said not to worry about the hitch with the doctors letter; that these things happen. Also that it's likely the application will succeed if they're asking for more info. I'm feeling much less anxious now.

A moment from the past worth remembering

There are so many bad memories from the past. Right back to being a kid and all. I was pleased to get a picture from the past that reminded me of a good time. That things weren't all bad. A moment in time captured forever:

 It was at an old works friends place about 15 years ago I suppose. An end of year get together with the people who worked at the company. I am looking a bit the worse for wear I think after a few beers. My daughter looks very happy. It was a moment worth remembering. Unlike many things that happened that were worth trying to forget.

Been to the GP today. He said that I'm going very well. That the red blotches left on my legs will go likely in a few months (I was hoping for quicker than that, but oh well). And that I was going well with the Endone as I'd used only 20 in 8 days, being about 2.5 a day. I explained that the worst is in the mornings, and at work as it was so busy last week (after building up without me there). He said for me to come off them a bit more, and gave me another prescription. Also another 2 boxes of the Lyrica sample packs; another 2 weeks supply on top of the week already left. That's 5 weeks in total he's given me. Found out today when he told me too, thjese pills are about $75 a box as they're not on the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme (PBS) and not subsidised by the gov. 

Got up this morning and the cat has a new sleeping place. WTF?

Bedside table, on the other side of mine.

Trying to relax

Today I'm trying to have as relaxing a day as I can. Trying to consciously calm myself down. Have been feeling very anxious last few days about the $, and how the application for my Superannuation has stalled in the great bowels of gov regulation and bureaucracy. It's not an easy thing to fix. The doctor they want more info off I stopped seeing last month when my HIV treatment was transferred to my HIV GP. That shouldn't be a worry though I guess, I dunno. I'm wondering now it might be better to get something off the specialist that I'm still seeing, at the Renal Clinic. 

This has turned into a total War and Peace drama. It's starting to look like it'll be about 6 months from beginning to end with this whole process. Anyway I've made an appt with the $guru for tomorrow afternoon. I feel better now after doing that, knowing that I'll be seeing someone who knows exactly what the bureaucrats are talking about in their letter. 

Made an appt for my GP tomorrow as well. I'm still waking up in the morning in heaps of pain. This morning was like I felt dazed by the strength of it again. Had to do the pill-athon and lay back down for the pain to go. With work again on Wed I'm going to need more painkillers to get by the three days.  

Getting over the stress

Very tired today. Did a full 7.5 hours yesterday at work. The other bloke turned up to empty the bins just in time as they were all full. He stayed for a couple of hours and there was nothing more to do so went home. Will get paid for 4 as that's the minimum for turning up on the weekend. He was pretty happy about it. Overtime like this doesn't come along every day, so I thought I might as well make the most of it. Made sure I had a coffee break when I felt I was getting tired and paced myself. Put the music in my ears and the day went quite fast. Dunno how much exactly it will be after tax as it will be taxed on the top part of my wage, but it's nearly $400 gross for the day.

Went and had a few beers at the pub after work as a friend of mine wanted to go and he needed a drinking partner. Of course it was very hard for me to sacrifice my time to such a cause! I felt uneasy at the pub after all the BS politics of recent months there, and this was the first time I'd set foot in the place for about a month I think. In fact one person was there talking at another table, he was the friend that I ended the friendship with the other week. He left soon after we got there though so that wasn't too bad. The last thing I felt like was a bloody big shit fight again. That's all it ended up those last few times that I'd been to that pub, was arguments. Couple of times I remember going home in tears. Not a pleasant outing at all. Better off not going. I can't afford to be coping stress like that. I still wonder too if the Shingles attack was caused by the stress from that entire episode. It's not every day you have to take someone to court who's threatened your life, and lose a couple of friends over it in the process. 

The Shingles is continuing to improve. People at work were interested to see how it was going, as I'd emailed a couple of the ghastly pictures to the dept head and he'd forwarded them to my supervisor, who showed some of the workers on her computer on the shop floor. I said it was heaps better when I showed them now, but they were aghast at it even now. WTF? Bloody wimps. I still think it's getting a lot better now, hopefully there'll be little left to show for it after it's all over. 

It's been getting very itchy and I've scratched it a bit now and then. I'm still getting a lot of pain too. The worst is in the mornings, I have to have an Endone pill, the other Lyrica tablets that stop nerve pain, and a couple of Panadol. Sometimes even then it doesn't do the trick. I guess I may have to see the doctor again about managing the pain. Trying not to, but it does appear to be lingering.  

Simon is back from New Zealand on Wednesday. I'm so looking forward to it. Have really missed him these last few days. 

Doing my head in

Got the letter from the super people. 

Last couple of days the mood just hasn't left me at all. Am overwhelmed by all of this. Am going to ring to make an appt with the financial adviser. At least this time I have 90 days and not 30. 

The problem is I have two banks breathing down my neck about when I'm going to do something about this. It's now been 4 months or so I think since I started the whole process with the getting ready of the forms to draw on my superannuation earlier than 7 years from now. I've already extended in one bank the financial hardship thing by a month, thinking it'd be sorted out by then. Looks like it wont and I'll have to ring them to extend it again.

I'm finding this all very upsetting. If this doesn't work then it's bankruptcy. This is the stage before that. I'll be discussing all this with the $guru. It's doing my head in.

Discouraged

I survived work today. Took only one strong painkiller through it, so not a bad effort I thought. 

Unfortunately I got a phone call from the place where they're processing my application for early release of my Superannuation money. It turns out they need more information. They need more detail off the HIV specialist at the hospital.

OMG! I just can't believe it. Three months of time and effort gone into that application, and now they tell me I need to go back to this particular doctor and get him to write more shit about me. Oh FFS! 

I don't even know what they want anymore. I told the bloke to send a letter to my financial guru (adviser) as well as to me, and I can discuss it with him. I emailed him this afternoon telling him that there was a letter coming, and what was said in the phone call. Am just at my wits end with this. 

Being on the tail end of Shingles doesn't help either. Tonight I'm feeling defeated and upset. 

Think I'll go up the road and buy a nice big steak for dinner, some fresh baby potatoes. Reckon that will help my mood.

Simon emailed and his daughter is doing much better than he thought. Said he might even be back earlier. Have missed him being there the last couple of nights. 

  

Ongoing pain management

Went to my doctor yesterday and explained the situation. The rash from the Shingles is considerably better now, but I'm still getting a lot of pain from the nerves that were involved in it. Being as it was the sciatic nerve (the biggest nerve in the body) it's understandable that it's going to take a bit longer for the pain to settle down after the rash is finished. Doctor said the nerves get inflamed. Oh fuckin joy! 

If I leave it to long in between painkillers the pain can get very strong; intensely bad in my lower back and deep inside the pelvic area, radiating down my left leg, and sometimes up the left side of my back right up to my shoulder. When it's bad like that it hurts even to turn over in bed as touching it causes severe pain. The other night I took nothing through the night and woke up hurting enormously.The area of the rash too seems itchy at time, but the slightest scratching of it to relieve the itch brings strong pain instead of relief.

Told much of this to my doctor, and that I was starting work again Wednesday. Had only two tablets of Endone left so he gave me another prescription for that, plus the other tablets he gave me last time from the sample packs; another weeks supply of "Lyrica". I am taking just Panadol as much as I can instead of the Endone, but when the pain is really bad I've got no choice but to take Endone. The other morning I woke up and sat on the bed, sort of in a daze at how much I was hurting. Like "Wow, this is really bad man".  

So I get to go to work with Endone. That should be interesting. Suppose I better let them know at work. Maybe they won't demand so much of me then! It's actually the Lyrica tablets that seem to be making me space out though. They're only 2 a day, and have help heaps with the pain, but I find myself just sort of wandering through the day a bit vacant. I suppose that will help a lot with the boredom I have to deal with there. It's on top of 300mg of Efexor in the morning too, I wonder if they're having a bit of a party together. Add 5mg of Endone to that and I've got a great little threesome happening.

Went and saw the psychologist after the doctors. Had a lot to discuss as it's been 5 weeks since I saw him last. Overall he was pleased with how I was going, particularly how I decided that being HIV+ didn't mean I should be treated badly by people, or that it should be used as a put down.

The other side of suicide...the pain of those left behind...

I remember last year after I was out of hospital, talking to a long time family friend about what had happened to my daughter when I was in hospital. I had nearly died the second time in just two weeks. They'd found me on the bed at home, nearly dead, after I'd missed an important dialysis appt on a Sunday. They'd called my daughter (as she was who I put down as my next of kin) to go check on me. She was worried about what she might find and so got our neighbour to go in with her.

My neighbour, experienced in looking after aged people in nursing homes for years, initially thought I was dead. After turning me and looking more closely he saw I was breathing shallowly and my heart was beating, but I couldn't be revived. They had to ring an ambulance, sirens wailing and all, like the sound of death. I was carted off and went into intensive care, being kept alive by a ventilator. During this time nobody knew if I was going to wake up, and one of my friends when visiting overheard the doctors discussing what my wishes might be about pulling the plug. 

This wasn't a suicide attempt, but I found out later from the above friend how my daughter was feeling during those 2 days. She'd spent a long conversation with her on the phone. My daughter was a mess, petrified that I was so close to death. Almost hysterical. Scared shitless at the prospect that her father might soon be gone. The pain felt then only the prerequisite at what would follow. I can't imagine what sort of state she'd be in now had I not woken up.

Two years before, my best friend killed herself. She was in America, a citizen who'd grown up there and spent her life there. She'd spent the last year or so looking after her husband as he died, in their rented flat. In the end he was in the lounge room permanently in bed. He died there in her arms. I was with her every day through this, as best I could online. I was in Australia, she Florida. I supported her through her husbands death, as she supported me through my wife's. We became so very close.

After he died there was fuck all support for her over there on her own. She had to move out of the rented flat 3 weeks after her husband died in her arms there. Long story short, things got worse and she ended up in a caravan/trailer park, and in the end ran out of money. There was no unemployment benefit as here, no rent assistance as here, no free psychologist as here, no free grief counseling, no organisations set up to help her. No nothing. In the end she was facing homelessness on a Monday. She chose death rather than that. 

I lost her that weekend. I stayed with her till the end as best I could from here. I talked on the phone with her for about 2 hours my Sat time here. We both cried. I knew she was going to do it, I knew why and could understand why. She gave me the name of the caravan park office to ring if I'd not heard from her in a couple of days. I rang her my Sunday afternoon (Sat night Florida). We only spoke for a minute or two. She said "It's going to be soon", and we both said goodbye to each other.

I went to a friends that night, the drug dealer who was fucking me a bit at the time. We'd sort of come to like each other a bit more than just fuck buddies; like he really sort of cared about me. Anyway I explained to him about her, and that I didn't want to be alone that night. We had a great night of sex and drugs, and after things settled down I went online on his PC. I checked my email at 6am. I found her last two emails sent to me. They were very personal letters about the time we'd known each other. She thanked me for that last phone call Sunday, saying it was "the best way to end us". I looked at D___ and said "She's done it..." He looked in disbelief.

I rang the caravan park about a day later. The police were called. I rang a bit later and asked what the story was. The caravan park owner said that there had been "a body taken out". I was actually relieved, almost envious that her pain was no more. I hurt a lot today about it, but after knowing what she went through I can understand why she did it. 

I'm sort of in the middle, not afraid of death. Would have to say though it's what I'd do to the people I left behind that stopped me in that year of 2009. It would be selfish of me to put that pain above hers, but I still miss her a lot. We both understood each other perfectly. It's the worst in Jan, she'd died on the 26th.

This video here is getting lots of attention here in just two days 700,000 views.

 "a message to everyone"

 

True friends

Feeling a bit strange today. Maybe a bit lost. Simon's in New Zealand now. He left here about 8am or so this morning, flew out from the airport about 9 I think. We hugged saying goodbye. About a 3 hour flight to Christchurch so he'd be well there now. Hope it goes well with his daughter, he was worried about her the last few days. 

It will be good for him to see her, and her him. She's been quite affected by the sort of metal collapse she's had. Said she couldn't go somewhere the other day as she just froze when trying to get in the car. I can understand that sort of thing as I've been through it myself. There've been many times I've not been able to get to work simply because I was scared to leave the house. It felt safe at home, like nothing more could happen whilst I was within the walls. Some days I didn't even pull the curtains back, just sat inside at home all day completely cut off from the outside world. 

It takes time to get over things like that, the fear and all. Likely Simon has learned from his experience with me that it's something that she has to do at her own pace. I imagine too that there'd be a lot of people from Christchurch suffering mental health issues after the big earthquake last year. 

Had a couple of friends over last night, that I knew from the pub. As I'm not going there as I have the shits with the clientele severely, and the bar staff, Simon suggested we have these two people over. Those two have shown themselves to be true friends, through the whole crisis with the violent nut recently who sent me the death threat. Ones that stuck by me and supported me, instead of being critical of me and making excuses for the nut. 

That experience turned out to be a very stressful period. Not so much about putting the nut in his place through the courts, but about being rejected and put down over it by people who claimed to be my friends. It is good to go through an experience I think where such false friends can be weeded out (I mean fuck, you don't want that falseness in your life do you) but it still hurts when you do have to face the truth about them. I'm glad I was the one who ended the friendship; if they had of done it I reckon it've made the experience harder to deal with. 

All in all though things are looking much better now. It's good to know I have real true friends who will be there for me (and I them) when the chips are down. The process finding them has been a bit hard, but worth it in the end. I so appreciated their support. We had a very friendly night of laughter and beer (oh, and some wine which I didn't have as I hate the stuff). Simon is a chef but just did a simple meal, went over well. The conversation flowed and we all felt at home. I'm a Taurus and so it's all about comfort and feeling welcome at my place.  

"Sexy Beach Party in my Sparkly Speedo"

This was really funny. Beach in Melbourne in Jan. Getting a lot of attention on You Tube.

 

Being together.

We were so close yesterday.... together in motion and energy. He was touching me like electricity. Our energies were mixing together and doing a dance of joy and freedom. These times are so special. It seems as if we create a whole new energy together; something happens and we both feel it. 

I feel every movement. He's touching areas that only he can. He holds me so tight, and I move in response. The emotions, the feelings, the love is so very deep, almost primordial. Our noises, my groans, aren't words but sounds coming from deep within. Expressions of what's happening. He touches my soul and I cry. He's deep within me in every way. 

I feel so much a part of him. So together with him. So safe and secure. So loved. We hold each other in the night afterwards, still feeling the electricity as we touch. 

It's very beautiful. 

Ongoing pain after Shingles?

Didn't take anything during last night for pain. Woke up at about 2am and felt a bit sore, but thought I'd just leave it and see how I went. Woke up this morning and OMG, couldn't believe how much I was hurting. Sciatic nerve really painful, and my leg and left side hurting to even touch. Got up to see how I felt walking around. A little better, but fuck I'd not like to go through the day like that. Took one of the new pills, one 5mg Endone, and 2 Panadol tablets. Lay back down in bed and relaxed whilst the pain settled. 

Made an appt with my GP for Monday morning to discuss the ongoing pain. The rash is clearing up really well now I reckon, but the pain levels are excruciating if I've got nothing to take for it. And I want to go back to work this coming Wednesday and if the pain is still near such levels I'm going to need ongoing pain management. 

I only was given a prescription for one box of Endone the other day, only 20, 5mg tablets. Have been trying to not take so many, and have succeeded in that to some extent, but times like this morning I just need to have one. I've not had any history at all of abusing prescription medication. I'll see what the doctor says Monday. 

Simon has had his air ticket to New Zealand organised by his daughter over there. He has to check his email to print out the ticket. Think he said they're wanting him to go Sunday, will know when he prints it out. She's stuffed him around a bit, left him hanging and she's not rung when she said or done what she said. I gave my opinion that if she's had some kind of a collapse like I did, she'd not be able to organise a fuck in a brothel. I'm just hopeless at organising a thing after my episode. 

He agreed last night when we talked about her, I said it's lucky you had a mentally disturbed person like me to be around! Know you'll have experience in that! He laughed and said that yes, after dealing with me he could deal with anyone!

Work fucks my pay up, and Simon soon to leave

Work fucked up my pay this week. Really pissed off about it. WTF is going on in that fuckin pay office? I go to the bank site to pay the rent as usual, and see on the screen I've only been paid $200. "Oh fuck" I thought, "I'm fucked".  

I know I only work 3 days a week, but I should have gotten my usual $535 (after tax). $200 isn't even enough to pay the rent of $360, and to top it off my daughter couldn't pay any rent last week as she doesn't get paid holidays in the job she's doing (just being a nanny for a couple with 2 children). I done everything right with work, emailed a scan of the doctors certificate from Emergency stating I had to have 2 weeks off to my dept head. I only had 1 days worth of sick leave built up, so I asked them to use my long service leave that's there which is at nearly exactly 6 days; enough to cover the two weeks. I also have about 8 days of annual leave built up too if the long service leave was a problem.

So what happens? I get paid the one day of sick leave. That's it. $200. Fuckin hell man. The pay office should have asked either my supervisor or  dept head what they wanted to do, instead of just not paying me at all for 2 days FFS! Sent a rather pissed off email to the human resources lady. Dunno what she's going to do, but anyway my daughter is paying $200 this week (she's behind in her rent) so I can make the rent, and if they can't fix it until next payday then I'll just have to live off the credit card for the week. 

Simon's passport has arrived in the mail from Lightning Ridge. He has to find out when his daughter wants him over there in New Zealand before he organises the flights. So I guess he will be flying out early next week sometime. He's very stressed out about it. I mean it's fine to go over there when it's all planned ahead, but it's a big thing I reckon to have to go there unexpectedly. It is another country after all. Plus he's only got the clothes he came here with for a 2 week stay, all light summer stuff. Think he'll be OK though as it's summer there too and it does get quite warm in and around Christchurch. He'll be staying with them in the country about an hours drive out of Christchurch.

It's been really good having him here this time. We've both been able to keep our own space sort of thing. Think we're getting on the best we ever have.