Short tempered, no patience, that's the take I have on myself at the moment. Have been trying to get also a reason from my head. I haven't any patience for people who shit on me, whether they be current friends or slight acquaintance's. I will tell all to fuck off out of my life. I don't need their shit, I don't want their shit, and I will not have their shit.
Have been through enough. Will not cop more. Treat me right, or fuck off. I don't need your "friendship"; your shit that you chose to dish me. I need close friends. Those who understand me.
Why the fuck am I like this?
Top of the list I suppose would be that I'm stressing about court next week. Likely shouldn't, but that's just the way my head is right now.
Other than that I dunno. Just have the shits with people who feel it is their fucking right to have a go at me, for their own selfish small world view.
They can all get fucked. They will be out of my life. I don't want them. I don't have to have them.
It's me and my head, and real friends who really fuckin care. Nobody else.
NOBODY
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
S to the rescue?
This is starting to get a bit scary. It's been 2 or 3 days now. I'm "going into myself" as S has put it. It's the court date next week that's doing it. Am scared of it. This is the third time in 2 and a half years. Just want to be home; the walls around me, safe.
It makes me worried about what I face, dumbfounded at what I have gone through already. Doubting I can face more.
Wondering how the fuck I'm still alive. All that adversary already. How did I ever get through that? How will I ever get through this?
Have survived against the odds. Skin of my teeth. When I put the plastic bags on my head, I hoped that there'd be some hope...
Now I fear this is just too much again.
S is saying he's coming down sooner now. I hope so. I could really use the support.
It makes me worried about what I face, dumbfounded at what I have gone through already. Doubting I can face more.
Wondering how the fuck I'm still alive. All that adversary already. How did I ever get through that? How will I ever get through this?
Have survived against the odds. Skin of my teeth. When I put the plastic bags on my head, I hoped that there'd be some hope...
Now I fear this is just too much again.
S is saying he's coming down sooner now. I hope so. I could really use the support.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
The story
S loved it. But anyway I'm not holding my breath. The three of us are 1,000 km's apart from each other.
Feeling a bit strange tonight. Think am worrying about court more as it gets closer. Really quite scared. Not an easy thing to go up against the police. Week after next it is.
Feeling a bit strange tonight. Think am worrying about court more as it gets closer. Really quite scared. Not an easy thing to go up against the police. Week after next it is.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
Will and Grace?
J is moving in over the next few days. She is really pleased to get out of where she is now for a number of reasons. I think we'll both be easy to live with, not uptight about crap, so glad to have someone I know coming and not interviewing people from an add put in the paper. We were joking last night that we might be the new Will and Grace (from the TV sit com). Doubt it but what a laugh. The parallels are there.
The room has been mostly cleared, but still rather a large amount of rubble remaining. Mostly junk I will chuck it. Ex flatmate D came by early yesterday to tidy the last bit up, but we sort of got distracted.... Neither he nor I had had any drugs since he was last here. Me I just can't be bothered if it's not around, and I can't afford it. He has had some sort of family intervention interstate and gotten off the Ice. Certainly a good thing as he was taking it like mad in Sydney. Also he'd not had sex in 3 or so months (OMG! - the poor man!).
So he comes around early Fri morning with some Ice and tells me I'm going to be a couple of hours late for work. I ring work and say bloke has turned up to get stuff out of room and will be about two hours late. Put porn on in bedroom, we have ice, and a mad sex session. It was really hard to leave for work, we could have gone on all day and both wanted to. I finally had a story for S!
I was surprised, after all the angst over the last months, the arguments over his idiot young fuck he had here with him, and his stuff stored for free in my place for nothing. Then after time apart we get together and the sex is like nothing at all has changed; it's still great, still new, still exciting.
I've told him he's welcome to come and visit for a bit anytime, or for an afternoon, to escape the interventionists! It is good he's off the drugs and all, he was starting to go a bit nutty there in the end. But the odd bit now and then is surely better than getting right back into it. He's really interested in S too.... And S would fuck anything that moves. I see a threesome on the cards here at some stage....
The room has been mostly cleared, but still rather a large amount of rubble remaining. Mostly junk I will chuck it. Ex flatmate D came by early yesterday to tidy the last bit up, but we sort of got distracted.... Neither he nor I had had any drugs since he was last here. Me I just can't be bothered if it's not around, and I can't afford it. He has had some sort of family intervention interstate and gotten off the Ice. Certainly a good thing as he was taking it like mad in Sydney. Also he'd not had sex in 3 or so months (OMG! - the poor man!).
So he comes around early Fri morning with some Ice and tells me I'm going to be a couple of hours late for work. I ring work and say bloke has turned up to get stuff out of room and will be about two hours late. Put porn on in bedroom, we have ice, and a mad sex session. It was really hard to leave for work, we could have gone on all day and both wanted to. I finally had a story for S!
I was surprised, after all the angst over the last months, the arguments over his idiot young fuck he had here with him, and his stuff stored for free in my place for nothing. Then after time apart we get together and the sex is like nothing at all has changed; it's still great, still new, still exciting.
I've told him he's welcome to come and visit for a bit anytime, or for an afternoon, to escape the interventionists! It is good he's off the drugs and all, he was starting to go a bit nutty there in the end. But the odd bit now and then is surely better than getting right back into it. He's really interested in S too.... And S would fuck anything that moves. I see a threesome on the cards here at some stage....
Friday, 24 September 2010
End of an era
*sigh* No stories for S, no sex from ex flatmate. Whaaaaa.........
He does seem to be doing a lot better though. Off the drugs it appears, actually taking steps re his general health. Good to see him again looking so well. Him and his brother have been very busy clearing out the room. I don't think even he realised just how much crap was in there. It was all sort of packed together tightly to fit into the space. He texted me at work that his back was really fucked, and I directed him to the appropriate painkillers in my drawer. There's still lots of rubble on the floor, but I'd say he'll be back today for that.
If for no other reason than to pick up his external hard drive, which my PC has been working it's little heart out transferring porn to it for the last day and a half. I have most of the porn he had when he was living here, plus about 100 gigs of new stuff from me. Really good porn too, no namby pamby shit! Nothing left to the imagination. It seems he's had some kind of porn disaster and lost it all during the last months (*gasp*, terrible!). He handed me a brand new terabyte drive. Up to nearly 600 gigs now and still going.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Past fuck coming to town, picking up his stuff
He says he will arrive earlier than his brother and the truck; tomorrow night in a car. His brother and the truck will be here Thursday (the following day). I have already asked (in the old text meeting language that we did when he was in Sydney) "so is a fuck out of the question?" ha ha. We have fucked often in the past when either of us have texted that.
I always enjoyed sex with him. He was always exciting, always we went places. And now he's coming back to Sydney to get his stuff; the stuff that I have stored for months here for nothing, very much at my expense. I don't consider I'm owed, was happy to help him out after he saved my life that afternoon. Stopping me from suicide. Am happy now I will see him again; the past fuck. And Oh what a fuck.
Storing his stuff doesn't compare to what he did, even the inconvenience of losing a few thousand $ in rent over it. So what? I'm still alive today thanks to him. No doubt in my mind had he not turned up I'd have topped myself that day. That was the day I lost 8 hours of memory. I would have killed myself with a bag over my head without even being conscious of it. Anything to stop the pain that had crescendoed . I was out of my mind... insane with pain....
So he's coming tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. If we fuck that would be great. And S would love the story :)
I always enjoyed sex with him. He was always exciting, always we went places. And now he's coming back to Sydney to get his stuff; the stuff that I have stored for months here for nothing, very much at my expense. I don't consider I'm owed, was happy to help him out after he saved my life that afternoon. Stopping me from suicide. Am happy now I will see him again; the past fuck. And Oh what a fuck.
Storing his stuff doesn't compare to what he did, even the inconvenience of losing a few thousand $ in rent over it. So what? I'm still alive today thanks to him. No doubt in my mind had he not turned up I'd have topped myself that day. That was the day I lost 8 hours of memory. I would have killed myself with a bag over my head without even being conscious of it. Anything to stop the pain that had crescendoed . I was out of my mind... insane with pain....
So he's coming tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. If we fuck that would be great. And S would love the story :)
Monday, 20 September 2010
New flatmate
Fuck I'm tired. Worked a 10 hour day today. Panic stations with a folding job for mailing. At least I'll get Tea Money for being asked to work overtime unexpectedly like that.
Biggest news of the day, old flatmate coming to pick his stuff up out of the spare room this weekend he says, from interstate with a truck. Him and his brother. Hooray!
And I have a new recent friend, from pub, we get on wonderfully. She is the chosen one to get the room. She is also a lesbian so we can sort of relate I guess. Hi J, *waves*.
Big step for me getting someone in again. I'm just not good with people I think. Although it's fine if we're like old friends.....
Biggest news of the day, old flatmate coming to pick his stuff up out of the spare room this weekend he says, from interstate with a truck. Him and his brother. Hooray!
And I have a new recent friend, from pub, we get on wonderfully. She is the chosen one to get the room. She is also a lesbian so we can sort of relate I guess. Hi J, *waves*.
Big step for me getting someone in again. I'm just not good with people I think. Although it's fine if we're like old friends.....
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Thursday, 16 September 2010
Another blood test
Got it done today. This is the 2nd on on the meds. Was told to get one done 2-3 weeks before the pills ran out on the prescription. Find out later this month the results. I will be very interested. I think doc is expecting the HIV viral load to be undetectable with present testing methods. I guess it wouldn't be an unexpected result after that first blood test only 3 weeks after the meds started. Fingers crossed.
Already the viral load had plummeted drastically. I continue to feel better and better. Have even put on a couple of kilos. A good thing for me as keeping weight on has been a problem. Couple of people have even said I look really well.
Already the viral load had plummeted drastically. I continue to feel better and better. Have even put on a couple of kilos. A good thing for me as keeping weight on has been a problem. Couple of people have even said I look really well.
Got hospital records for court
Well what interesting reading that was. The records from hospital Emergency of the night the cops broke two of my ribs, made me suicidal again, accused me of being "intoxicated", took me to Emergency to get me "sectioned" (locked up as a nutter on suicide watch: I wasn't sectioned) and 12 days later charged me with offensive language and resisting arrest.
I wasn't intoxicated as accused. In fact there are no records at all of my blood alcohol reading. I was rather merry, but certainly not "intoxicated". The hospital records only refer back to that as the police told them I was so. IMO I was in fact in a mental state triggered by the cops and made worse by them. I would say they mistook someone with a mental disorder as mine for "intoxication".
I applied a couple of months ago to get the records released to me of that night in Emergency. Paid $30 for fees. Forgot all about it until talking to solicitor last week who very much wanted to see them. I chased it up on the phone and they were mailed to me in two days, evidently had been misplaced in the system or something. Will go see solicitor with them shortly I think.
Still getting more nervous about the case. I just hate going to court. I do trust my solicitor though as he is very capable. Has represented me last couple of cases too, got me off big time. He knows my history and has a real personal interest now. Think I'm one of those people where he feels he's very much helping in their lives. I certainly appreciate that.
I wasn't intoxicated as accused. In fact there are no records at all of my blood alcohol reading. I was rather merry, but certainly not "intoxicated". The hospital records only refer back to that as the police told them I was so. IMO I was in fact in a mental state triggered by the cops and made worse by them. I would say they mistook someone with a mental disorder as mine for "intoxication".
I applied a couple of months ago to get the records released to me of that night in Emergency. Paid $30 for fees. Forgot all about it until talking to solicitor last week who very much wanted to see them. I chased it up on the phone and they were mailed to me in two days, evidently had been misplaced in the system or something. Will go see solicitor with them shortly I think.
Still getting more nervous about the case. I just hate going to court. I do trust my solicitor though as he is very capable. Has represented me last couple of cases too, got me off big time. He knows my history and has a real personal interest now. Think I'm one of those people where he feels he's very much helping in their lives. I certainly appreciate that.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
I got the U2 tickets in the mail!
It is a momentous day!
Apart from all the hype that is U2 anyway, it has been a very very long road for me since last time seeing them. And the songs they've written during that time have been like they're reading my fuckin mind, or know my struggles somehow. They're all my age about, so I guess with general life we may be going through the same things anyway if we have similar priorities?
Priorities like LOVE being the most important thing. Love for fellow man, but in the case of this last album I think Bono talks deeply about love that many won't understand the lyrics. He speaks to those who are experiencing what he is. Those of us who are know:
I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
Much of their music has helped enormously in years past. It is a great pleasure to have the same experienced as someone in life as him; who has had the fortunate life to express it in song across the world. I never ever thought I'd be in this position ever again.
Thank you S, it's the love I feel for you... And thank you Bono for expressing it so much better than I ever could.
Sunday, 12 September 2010
Sunday
Saw solicitor last week about the court case. Not far off now, early next month. Starting to get a bit nervous. Am terrible like that with court. Feels like going to a funeral. Still got no idea how much the cost will be. Gave the guy another $1,000 on the credit card. Just wish it was all behind me now. Fuck those assholes.
Really missing S, *sigh*. Never thought would feel so close to someone again.
Rather sick last two days. Sort of really nauseous. I think it's likely too much beer. Rather a lot to drink Thurs night, couldn't get to work. Spent most of the day in bed. Good grief, I suppose this is where I look up the drug rehab place to stop drinking? Fuck that... I think feeling sick and spending too much is plenty of incentive to pull up with it. Yesterday I had hardly anything.
Really missing S, *sigh*. Never thought would feel so close to someone again.
Rather sick last two days. Sort of really nauseous. I think it's likely too much beer. Rather a lot to drink Thurs night, couldn't get to work. Spent most of the day in bed. Good grief, I suppose this is where I look up the drug rehab place to stop drinking? Fuck that... I think feeling sick and spending too much is plenty of incentive to pull up with it. Yesterday I had hardly anything.
Saturday, 11 September 2010
HIV acceptance
Got the email today for the next Planet Positive:
I've gone to all of them since finding out about it. This time is at a very good venue, at the Saddle Bar above Midnight Shift.
I'm in 2 minds though whether to go or not this time. After the episode at the sex club, and the other guy wanting me to go to a drug rehab place over a few fuckin beers, I'm considering giving it a miss this time.
It is good, but lately I'm feeling that having HIV is rather less of a deal than some people make it out to be. Yes it's a serious disease and all, but it's not the end of the fuckin world. I know my reaction on diagnosis wasn't exactly normal though ("the icing on the shit cake") but seriously, some of these guys carry on like they have the death plague. People die from other diseases too, not just HIV. Some seem to consider themselves as deserving of particularly special treatment because they have it. That's not how I feel at all.
Rather, it's just part of who I am now. Accepted. No dramas. I'm not wanting to be considered any more special than the next person.
Friday, 10 September 2010
Living together?
I've told him I want to. I don't know what it will all mean for the future but I'm willing to take that risk.
He'll be down again in about a month, and we'll talk more then.
He'll be down again in about a month, and we'll talk more then.
Wednesday, 8 September 2010
The farewell fuck
I got home thankfully in time after my solicitor I was seeing on the way home from work. His ride was coming at 6 and I was a bit late. I was greeted by a beaming face with his new cap/hat thing (it suited him really well, completely unlike that ghastly beanie he was wearing before, that he can't find anymore). It was so good to see him.
"Hello dolls how are you?"- him
" Hello darling I'm home!" -me.
He's fully clothed all ready to go, with that hat making him look really friendly and nice (along with his smile of course). I go into the bedroom where he's just finished packing, and I find a couple of DVD's of porn I'd burnt onto a disk and give them to him as a parting gesture, putting them into the bag he's just zipping up.
BTW I have the very best porn. Nearly a Terra byte of it.
We start kissing each other. It's been fuckin mind blowing the last three days. The sex and connection with each other leading to a very intense experience for both of us. Where both amazed, stunned, in love. We've never felt so connected and so close. Never explored so much of each other sexually. We are completely engrossed with each other, completely at peace, completely in love.
I get undressed out of my work clothes and we end up lying on the bed together, me in my undies and him still fully clothed about to leave. We face each other, holding each other as we do in bed after the sex. Tightly. Hands start roaming... He feels my ass and his fingers seductively massage the rim, pushing a touch inside with one finger.
It's so fucking sensitive, still sort of turned-on from the day before. We have only 20 minutes before his ride comes. He wants to fuck me, a parting gift!
"Oh fuck it"-me, throwing off my undies. He pulls his pants down, and slowly puts his dick in. He's so hard and excited, but he's going slowly as I like that. Pushes in more, then more.... soon reaching the target. A discovery of the last 3 days. High up, it's fuckin mad. Can feel it through your whole body. His dick finally pushing in to that. OMG!! we're one again!
But this is just a parting gift, not a new exploration. We were going over the last few days with this in our heads. Remembering the love and connection we felt. It was nearly time for him to go, but we both remember...... It was still there, stronger than ever.
We pull apart. This is no time to cum, the atmosphere almost too meaningful for that. He wants us to live together, my reply being that it was certainly moving in that direction. I'm still recovering from last years break down, in many ways feeling rather nearer to the breakdown than the recovery in my journey. I don't want to go too fast, for my own sake.
But I cant forget him, and don't want to let him go. Scared of the love and what it might do to me if it goes wrong. But no, I like life scary! I like the risks, I like the ability to change and go forward. I like to live life (if I am in fact not going to top myself like I wanted to last year). Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Bit at least it's life, and not just another monotonous droning noise from those trapped in their own world and not able to escape it.
He leaves. Rings later and we both feel the same; both on the same page. He's coming again in a month he says, and staying for a month this time.
"Hello dolls how are you?"- him
" Hello darling I'm home!" -me.
He's fully clothed all ready to go, with that hat making him look really friendly and nice (along with his smile of course). I go into the bedroom where he's just finished packing, and I find a couple of DVD's of porn I'd burnt onto a disk and give them to him as a parting gesture, putting them into the bag he's just zipping up.
BTW I have the very best porn. Nearly a Terra byte of it.
We start kissing each other. It's been fuckin mind blowing the last three days. The sex and connection with each other leading to a very intense experience for both of us. Where both amazed, stunned, in love. We've never felt so connected and so close. Never explored so much of each other sexually. We are completely engrossed with each other, completely at peace, completely in love.
I get undressed out of my work clothes and we end up lying on the bed together, me in my undies and him still fully clothed about to leave. We face each other, holding each other as we do in bed after the sex. Tightly. Hands start roaming... He feels my ass and his fingers seductively massage the rim, pushing a touch inside with one finger.
It's so fucking sensitive, still sort of turned-on from the day before. We have only 20 minutes before his ride comes. He wants to fuck me, a parting gift!
"Oh fuck it"-me, throwing off my undies. He pulls his pants down, and slowly puts his dick in. He's so hard and excited, but he's going slowly as I like that. Pushes in more, then more.... soon reaching the target. A discovery of the last 3 days. High up, it's fuckin mad. Can feel it through your whole body. His dick finally pushing in to that. OMG!! we're one again!
But this is just a parting gift, not a new exploration. We were going over the last few days with this in our heads. Remembering the love and connection we felt. It was nearly time for him to go, but we both remember...... It was still there, stronger than ever.
We pull apart. This is no time to cum, the atmosphere almost too meaningful for that. He wants us to live together, my reply being that it was certainly moving in that direction. I'm still recovering from last years break down, in many ways feeling rather nearer to the breakdown than the recovery in my journey. I don't want to go too fast, for my own sake.
But I cant forget him, and don't want to let him go. Scared of the love and what it might do to me if it goes wrong. But no, I like life scary! I like the risks, I like the ability to change and go forward. I like to live life (if I am in fact not going to top myself like I wanted to last year). Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Bit at least it's life, and not just another monotonous droning noise from those trapped in their own world and not able to escape it.
He leaves. Rings later and we both feel the same; both on the same page. He's coming again in a month he says, and staying for a month this time.
We set ourselves on fire
Oh God, do not deny her
It's not if I believe in love
If love believes in me
Oh, believe in me
......
I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back, begging to get back
To my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
Saturday, 4 September 2010
HIV medicines can increase other drugs effects!
Well I sort of suspected this the other day when I got so stoned off a bit of marijuana that I just had to go to bed and space out there for a while. And I have noticed that although the doc says I can drink on the meds I'm taking, alcohol isn't nearly as inviting and has an increased effect anyway. I guess that's good as I'm drinking less?
Got a smoke for the weekend. So looked it up. It all appears to be safe :)
link
Got a smoke for the weekend. So looked it up. It all appears to be safe :)
Marijuana
Protease inhibitors may increase THC levels (the active ingredient in marijuana) -- so smaller doses may make you more stoned. This is also true of the synthetic version (Marinol) used in the treatment of weight loss. Since THC overdose is impossible, this interaction is not dangerous.link
Time together
Wasn't sure what to expect this time around with S. Been in contact every day on the phone and all, but it's been a few weeks now since we last saw each other. I felt like it was getting to the point where we were both fine with being apart without any dramatics about that. I seemed to be quite happy plodding along here in Sydney and him way out there. So I did wonder what this visit might or might not be like.
It has turned out however to be beyond any expectations I had. I've been at work nearly all last week so it certainly wasn't like a holiday atmosphere. But we get along perfectly fine, really well. And the sex is even better than before, if that's possible. The sort of sex where you're left almost stunned, being moved so much by the sharing and connection, the intensity of the experience overwhelming. The sort of sex where you feel so close that your like one entity. The sort of sex you can't just forget, as it feels like it's changed you.
It's certainly nothing like any sort of traditional relationship. Neither of us are expecting anything monogamous, and it's fun to share stories. But when we're together it's like nothing else.
A bit worried now as he's leaving next week back home. I'm sure I'll survive and be fine, but I will be missing him terribly. This is the closest we've ever been.
It has turned out however to be beyond any expectations I had. I've been at work nearly all last week so it certainly wasn't like a holiday atmosphere. But we get along perfectly fine, really well. And the sex is even better than before, if that's possible. The sort of sex where you're left almost stunned, being moved so much by the sharing and connection, the intensity of the experience overwhelming. The sort of sex where you feel so close that your like one entity. The sort of sex you can't just forget, as it feels like it's changed you.
It's certainly nothing like any sort of traditional relationship. Neither of us are expecting anything monogamous, and it's fun to share stories. But when we're together it's like nothing else.
A bit worried now as he's leaving next week back home. I'm sure I'll survive and be fine, but I will be missing him terribly. This is the closest we've ever been.
U2, almost exactly 4 years later
I bought the max 4 tickets this time. Was so dumbfounded at being able to purchase ones in advance through being a subscriber to their fansite, I must have gone into a fit of buying hysteria. Have decided to take S, who seems to have been existing on another planet somewhere as he knows hardly anything at all about U2 (*faints*). Is into opera and such like (*vomits*). I don't think he has any idea what he's in for. Also taking daughter, as did last time, and she's taking a friend who's younger than her who I suppose she's converting into a fan.
Last time was the Vertigo tour. It was at the same place, the stadium built for the 2,000 Olympics here. Daughter took some pics with her phone before and during the show:
Last time was the Vertigo tour. It was at the same place, the stadium built for the 2,000 Olympics here. Daughter took some pics with her phone before and during the show:
Not very good but gives an idea where we we sitting and that. She really enjoyed it. Am feeling sort of in 2 minds with her going again, as it was two weeks after that that she ripped my heart out. I know at the age she was they are self centred and don't think of others so much, but what she did hurt more than my wife dying 9 months earlier.
In any case, perhaps this will be a milestone of sorts for that. Time to finally put those memories behind and move forward. The latest concert looks mind boggling.
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