My own pace

Got to see the psychologist yesterday. Had been about a month since the last visit after me cancelling and the stuff up with the next appt. He was of course very interested in the happenings with Simon.

He agreed that there was nothing sinister meant by what he was saying, and that it was a good thing for us both to recognise that he was getting sick of it all with me. There's often some kind of unsaid rule about the healthy one in a relationship; sort of that it's selfish of the well one to address their own issues when the other is unwell. I learned in counseling years ago however (when I was the carer for my wife) that it shouldn't be the case at all like that. People who are well have just as much right as the sick person to address their own feelings and needs. And it is in fact selfish of the sick person if they put their needs above the other. 

And what a fucked up year it's been for me. Cripes, I'm not surprised he got sick of it. Think he needs time and space to do his own thing. 

There's also the thing again, that sometimes people think that I'm going to get better somehow. That's true to a certain extent regarding the kidneys and money issues, as these problems are being addressed. But though, being chronically ill with HIV involves ongoing mental health issues that will never go away. They may improve over time, and I am addressing that too by seeing the psychologist, but there's a certain psychological state involved with being not only chronically ill, but that illness being HIV. 

It can be very lonely at times. There's so very many people in the general community who just don't understand. There are issues of disclosure, rejection. Issues affecting relationships. Knowing that you'll have to be taking powerful drugs for the rest of your life. These issues will never go away, they'll always be there. 

Simon I think had some sort of idea I was going to get a lot better a lot quicker. I'm not going fast enough for him. That can't be helped though as I just have to go at my own pace. I've been to hell and back. It's going to take some time to get any sort of normalcy going again in my life.

Have been thinking back about things I used to like to do before it all turned to shit. Psychologist is suggesting I start doing some of those things again to reconnect back with life. I've been thinking about them recently but when I start to do it I sort of can't get going. I used to go to the beach a lot for example, but I haven't been for years. Lately I've sort of had this thing about not going very far from home, sort of fearing something if I do. At home everything's here, supermarket 10 minute walk away, and pub. Work not far. Feeling safe in my own space, knowing nothing will happen.

Simon on the other hand is the opposite completely. He's always thinking of travel and getting away. Doing things out of the ordinary. He's a very creative person. But I'm just not in that same head space as he is. The thought of travel is scary. 

But to reconnect with life I'd have to start dealing with that fear I suppose. Small steps at a time. At my own pace.

This beach is only one bus away. I may go down there next week, not on the weekend though as I'd get a bit stressed with too many people. Maybe Monday or Tuesday. Sounds a ridiculously small effort,  but I guess you have to start somewhere. Maroubra beach: