The depression - Simon backs off again

Isn't his fault. Probably the best thing at the moment. 

As I've been constantly feeling down for over a month now, he's gotten somewhat impatient again with it all. He just doesn't seem to be able to get it with me about this depression thing. It's come up again the other day (the last time we talked on the phone) where we were discussing it and he came out with the same old crap that he always does; that now that everything is going much better then I "should be" feeling much happier.

I dunno how many times I need to tell him this, seems that I shouldn't bother wasting my breath anymore. That may be OK with sort of the normal sort of thing when people get depressed about life and feel down for a bit, followed by things improving and the persons mood correspondingly. But it doesn't seem to work like that with me. Maybe it's different with others but at the moment I'm just talking about my own experience. 

This isn't just a bit of feeling down. This is clinical depression that has clearly been the result of both life events and long term unhappiness and struggle. It has a life of it's own. Not to mention post traumatic stress. I get flashbacks on occasion that may last for only a few seconds but throw me into a mood for few days. Flashbacks from things that to anyone else would be completely harmless. I can't predict them, nobody can. Things going better in the present isn't going to stop them. Other than that I may well feel down for some time, for no apparent reason, and again things going well in the present won't change that.

Part of it is struggling with unhelpful guilt about feeling like this. The logical part of me also thinks that yes, surely I should be feeling much much better now, WTF is wrong with me that I'm not? Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong? Have I got some sort of personality flaw to not be happy right now? But then I realise the unhelpfulness of thinking like that, and that I should simply know that I and my support are doing everything I and they can, and I shouldn't feel bad if I go through periods of depression, short or long. This is simply who I am right now, and no amount of things going well are going to change who I am. Any more than I can change my hair colour or sexuality.

I'm OK with Simon backing off a bit. I mean in his conversation he made it clear how little he understands about the whole subject, so it's probably a good thing to leave each other alone for a bit. But fuck what pissed me off the most was when he told me I should try and come off the happy pills. Oh FFS, think I did very well not to start yelling into the phone at that point. Just told him that "You just never get it".

Fancy coming out with that bullshit again, seriously. He has absolutely no idea. Does he think I wouldn't come off them if I didn't need them? Doesn't he realise that I actually do want to come off them but can't right now as they're helping me? What sort of fuckin mood does he think I'd be in for the last month without them? I don't want to take them any more than I want to walk around with crutches, but my head needs crutches now. Why is that so hard to understand for some people? I guess I just don't get that either.