Life and illness

The depression I posted about recently has remained.

Although with ups and downs. Some days have been better than others, and some days worse. Think today may be a worse one if the way I'm feeling this morning is any indication.

I suppose it was one of those triggers. You just never know when one might come right out of nowhere. Something completely innocent and innocuous, can be a catalyst. My daughter left the house and as I was sitting up on the bed I saw her walk along the footpath on her way to work. I felt incredible sadness seeing her so alone and seemingly vulnerable out there, knowing how much she herself has been through and how much it hurts, yet she's managed to pick herself up and make solid steps towards a decent life.

And all the pain from the past started to flood back into my mind. Flashes of memories and their pain. Wondered what things might be like today if her mother had been alive and healthy instead of dying of illness. How much less pain both of us would have to feel daily, even hourly sometimes. How much better adjusted we both would be. How much more functional and happy.

But alas life is life, and sometimes bad things happen. No rhyme or reason to it, is just the luck of the draw. Life and happiness has much to do with how you deal with it, rather than simply nothing bad ever happening. Is about finding strength in each other, not wanting to be better than someone at their expense. Life does involve pain, some more than others. Just got to live with it.

Reminded of a discussion in the focus group the other day. We were talking about if there was a cure found, or having hope about a cure being found for HIV. My point, along with the others, was that our being happy and hopeful can sometimes be related to a cure being found to make it all better so to speak, but that's not good. It's much better to simply live with HIV and find happiness and hope in the life that you have. If they find a cure all well and good, but I'm certainly not holding my breath for it. Life goes on with illness, cured or not.