Thank You

I started this blog recently as I wanted to vent to myself and organise my thoughts at the end of every day or two. I have after starting it trusted a few people with this my diary. The feedback has all been positive so far.

The emails I've gotten in the last few days during this latest drama have been very much appreciated. To know that people that I care about, care enough about me to show their concern means a lot. Being isolated for many years as a primary carer means you lose everyone. After a while friends stop ringing, then relo's, then friends of relo's.

And after the partner dies, nobody rings after about 3 months. You end up completely alone. Strange as it is in the middle of Sydney. Middle aged, no longer giving the slightest fuck about dating. Or to bother with standing in a pub so packed that everyone is yelling to hear each other, or the music is so fuckin loud that you have to sit there like zombies entirely unable to communicate. Cripes, no wonder I ended up at sex on premises venues. At least you can talk to people when you're having sex FFS!

I wonder at times with my shit that people might think I'm making it up. I dunno. I can't believe it myself. It seems every time I go forward a bit I get clobbered, in this last cop thing literally! I AM so sick of this shit. But I AM so glad of those I know online. The concern is touching and very meaningful. And the very few that read this online from real life that I've trusted to read this, your contribution even more so as you care enough about me to respect that trust. And Simon, thank you so much...

Also AM so very fuckin glad of where I live. I've been presented along my way to suicide, with top notch professional help that stopped me. For free. Simply as I'm an Australian. And given me along the way the means to overcome such things as this latest BS in my life. I can't imagine where I'd have been 12 months ago if this police crap had happened to me then. Today I find myself bouncing back; even a shock to me.

Resilience was something I had in the past, something in my personality. It's not something that I've had in 12 months at least. It appears resilience is something that has survived my collapse, picked itself up out of the mental rubble, and continued on of it's own accord. I never expected such lasting strength from the rubble.

Today was very quiet. Slept with little pain until about midday. My normal doctor gave me anti-inflammatorys which reduced the pain by about a third. After waking I took pain pills close together as it'd been a while since, and the pain had gone through to my back as well. Muscles very tight in back after 30 years lifting, so doesn't take much for them to go into spasms. Went and got X-ray done local X-ray place up the road (pick it up tomorrow). Few quiet beers with locals at pub. Cooking small lamb roast for dinner.