"The Caution Blocks You from the Wind"

Well so far it's half way through the day and no disaster has befallen me!
*faints*

Seriously though, sometimes I wonder if I'd just be better staying at home all day! Shut the curtains and close myself off from the world, then I'll be safe and nothing bad will happen to me. I was actually doing that for a time last year, but in the long term it's just not practical. In the end not only does nothing bad happen, but nothing at all happens. It makes for a very boring existence, and I've in the past always been one to live life.

Life itself isn't always about living in some fantasy world of bliss where everything always goes right and nothing bad ever happens. It is rather the experience of life itself, both the good and bad, and what we take from those experiences. Each one I guess has an effect on who we are, and how we treat those around us. But we have to actually live life and expose ourselves to life's opportunities and failings if we're ever going to gain such experiences. Not shield ourselves from it and hide in some sort of cocoon.

My sister said to me recently not long after I told her about the HIV, "Gosh Peter, you've left no stone unturned in life have you!" In hindsight she's exactly right.

Last year I went through a time when I just wished I'd been given a better chance, a different hand from the deck of cards. But today not so. Yes, it's been hard, a very rough ride at times, and I've made a lot of mistakes along with the successes. But those experiences have each played their part in making me who I am today. They are my experiences, my life, my journey through this world. Today I wouldn't change them for anything; to do so would be to change me.

You Learn
Alanis Morissette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

[Chorus]
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more that you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

[Repeat Chorus]

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you´re gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

[Repeat Chorus]

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

I especially like one of those last lyrics; "You choose you learn". I mentioned this in an email today, that I have a choice in all this drama. I can give into the pain, wallow in the past, and become paralysed again emotionally and mentally, or I can look to the future and keep going. Likely this will be a big bump in the road, but it can't go on forever. Things do get better.

I'm reminded also of that movie castaway with Tom Hanks, and near the end this quote:

And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?

I don't know how many times I've told myself that last few years, but it's absolutely true. Tomorrow is another day, next week another week... Who knows what they'll bring? More experiences yes, and I reckon I'm due for a few good ones by now. At times it seems I just can't win.