Interesting visit with the psychologist after work yesterday. He suggested the down mood of late can very well be attributed to the weather; in that it makes you feel low after weeks of low tempts, huge rainfall, and gray skies. He may be right, as it has been unusually cold and incredibly bleak here. Last week we had the coldest Sydney morning for 61 years. 4 degrees C in the eastern suburbs, and below freezing in the west.
I also related my feelings re suicide. No emotional catastrophes of late, and not about to pull the plug if I can continue to live apart from the pain. But to be honest the option is still there in my head. Am living day to day and week by week. I survived last year but I will not ever go through that again. I can't go back to hell again. If faced with such pain confronted to me again, my choice will be in the future a quick death. I do hope though that with the pills helping me to live apart from the pain, that over time I will have a new life outside/apart from all that.
I want to get away again. I just want peace. The quiet of nothing; no traffic, no noise, nobody else, apart from me and who I chose to be there. Yes, I miss S, but I also miss the nothing..... the space....... the peace........
Suicide will always be an option for me now, the rest of my life.
And now I have an out. If things go really bad, it will be my choice in the future to continue or stop medication.
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