Looking into the face of the monster

The pain monster...

It was triggered today at work by the simplest thing, a memory. Hard at times to go beyond the past. At times the memories come back, of good times had and now lost forever. Instead of being fond memories. They now haunt, inflicting pain instead of happiness. 

Will there ever be a day I wondered, if memories that are supposed to be happy will actually be so? Or will all of them be marred by the pain of the events around them? Most of my life is full of such painful things, and sadly the happy memories become painful, even more painful, for the happiness lost. What could have been, but now will never be. The pain of loss, the disappointment of loss, and the ripples that flow out from all of it. The hurt coped with being trodden on by those selfish and insensitive ones who have no idea of your vulnerability.

And there I was today, in the lunchroom at work, thinking such thoughts. Getting drawn slowly towards the monster... Skirting the edges, feeling the impossible pain if I enter. It's very strong, and I blink back tears. Go back to work, but the monster is still there, lurking and waiting, throwing out more memories to try and drag me in. 

I resist. I chose to stop remembering. I chose to come back to the present. I can't fight the monster as I will lose. I can only walk away to another place away from it. I do so, I stop remembering, and I return to the present. The pain subsides, the hurt goes, and I'm now in my present life again.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to remember many things without facing the monster. Therefore such memories are taboo for a time. I don't know how long, but the present seems much brighter than reliving those.

One week on the HIV pills today. It's been rough but body wise am feeling OK right now. Still off my dial for a bit in the mornings, but nothing like before. One week before the dose doubles on one pill, and I see the doc 2 days before that to see how I am. Stay tuned.

The pain monster