The feelings of vulnerability and fragility after a bashing - living in a crime scene

Had a belated visit to the psychologist yesterday. I'd postponed the meeting for a few weeks after court as I felt it was too soon to see him when the first appt was due. I needed time to settle and reflect a bit.

In the last week I've come to realise the source of my feeling like something bad is going to happen. It's been a constant feeling of late in the back of my mind. That how easily the security and friendliness of a home can be invaded by outside and sent away. The reason I've been having the feeling of impending doom stems from the fact that I now feel vulnerable in our own home. Fragile, in that at any time something could happen to make it all come crashing down. Indeed David's bashing in front of me was carried out by my own family in our home.

As my psychologist said, we're living in a crime scene. I've got that now for the rest of my life what happened in the hallway; like a video that keeps repeating whenever it comes into my mind. I still remember it like yesterday. No doubt the court last month in which psycho nephew was found guilty and sentenced played it's part in reminding us both of what happened.

Hence feeling safe is hard to come by these days. It will fade over time the effects of the bashing, but for now we just have to deal with it. I said yesterday that it would have made it easier if it had of been just some stranger off the street that wandered in one day. The fact that it was carried out by my own family has been what's so hard to get my head around.

How could my brother have turned into such a monster of immorality to treat us like that? To come into my home and think there was even a possibility my partner David would have sex with him (quite apart from the assault itself)? The disrespect of us in that! How could he lie in court and blame David for his own bashing, making up lies about David coming on to him on some imaginary balcony that we don't have? How could he stand by matter of factly and let his son viciously assault David without intervention, later that night telling David on the phone he "deserved it"? How could he even try and protect his (obviously thug) son from the consequences of of his own thuggery? These are questions for him to possible ponder in the future if his mind will let him.

It was a viscous slap in the face to me, quite apart from the horror it was for David. 

I'd only seen him once in 20 years before this happened. He had chosen to live his life in hicktown New Zealand and have nothing to do with me. In that time I'd been through more life than he could possible imagine. But it appears he still seemed to think that he could just walk all over me like he used to and I'd go off and cry in a corner or something? I'm just not that person anymore. I guess one thing about the school of hard knocks is that it makes you tougher, and he never realised that. I think he must of thought he could still intimidate me? Use me to his own advantage, with his side kick son for backup? Were they projecting their own possible inner hatred about gays?

One thing that's come out of it all however is that it's illustrated to all the strength of David and I's love for each other and relationship. Many couples would have split up over something like this, particularly with the bashing coming from a partner's family. It was tough of course, but we survived stronger than ever :)