The end is nigh

I have an appt next week on Tuesday to see the financial guru, and will be presenting him with my letters from the specialists and my GP. Dunno why he has to have me come in and see him, he just said I'd need to when I had all the letters. I suppose to do the application. The wheels of the apocalypse will soon be fully in motion! Oh how joyous! I feel like I'm about to push the doomsday button.

Very busy two days next Monday and Tuesday. Have 6 appts in those two days. Strangely they all appear to be within reasonable time of each other. Don't like all this rushing around though, it does my head in. Am likely to forget something along the way. Taking it very easy this Mon and Tues as have nothing to go to.

Daughter has started working at her new full time job this week. Phew, it was really getting beyond a joke with the money. But at least now she'll be able to pay her way properly. Must be nice to just say "I can't pay rent this week, sorry". I would love to be able to tell that to the real estate in charge of this place. No point in arguing with her about it though, we both just get frustrated and nothing is accomplished. Needless to say I think she got the message well and truly after I told her what the financial guru said that first time I saw him.

Oh yeah, my apocalypse has nothing on this Friday's one. Think I'll have a few drinks at the pub this Friday to celebrate. After all if the world ends then I won't have to face the impending disaster with my $. What a grand way to wipe out my debt. 

Kiwi's into the Rugby World Cup final

Watched the World Cup Semi final Rugby Union last night, between Australia and New Zealand, live from Eden Park in Auckland. Australia hasn't won against NZ on that ground in 24 years. And again last night NZ beat them 20-6. New Zealand are now playing France in the final next weekend. Here's the Haka from last night against the Aussies:

 

Many NZ'er's have a lot of animosity to the French. It goes back to when French agents bombed the Greenpeace Rainbow Warrior in Auckland harbour years ago, an act of terrorism, and killing one of the crew. 

French bastards! We shall avenge them when we hammer their piss weak Rugby team into the dirt next weekend in the final!

Having a quiet Monday and Tuesday this week. No appts at all. Was going to go and pick up the letter from the psychologist but he's emailed me telling he only mailed it on Thursday last week. Don't think I feel like making a special trip to the centre just for that, and have decided just to wait till it arrives here. Sort out something next week at BGF if it gets here too late. Dunno why I'm panicking about it anyway.

Have been thinking of Simon a bit. Feeling a bit down about the whole thing, but well that's just life isn't it. Maybe a bit teary. But then I consider how strong his statements were the other day and know that it's best we have some time apart with little contact. Have gotten used to texting him all the time, and that now I think is the most noticeable thing; not texting.

It's been a terrible time of things this year. I'm glad he was there when he was, and glad we had those times together when I really needed it. And I suppose I'm glad now that we can have the honesty with each other to recognise the true nature of the current situation. Without any blame. No point in clinging to each other in denial. I'm sure we'll get together again sometime in the future, and who knows what that will bring. 

BTW, hold on to your hats this Friday darlings. Apparently the world is going to end again! 

Excitement plus

A quiet day. The sun is out and a break from all the rain we've had recently. Opened the bedroom window to let fresh air through the house. We're near the sea here and there's usually a cool sea breeze in the afternoon. Done a bit of washing and put it on the line to dry. Yes, it's excitement plus here today.

Neighbour came over, had lost his phone and wanted to ring it from mine. He couldn't find it, so thinks he's left it at a friends. Didn't even know his own mobile phone number, so I wrote it for him from my phone. He told me he's bought a hard drive to plug into his new telly. He knows nothing about computers, hasn't even got an email address. One of these people that's scared of getting into it. Dunno why. I mean I'm certainly no guru, it's just easy now to do all this computer stuff. Showed him online, Notebook PC's on sale at Office Works for only $250. Recommended he go buy one. He's thinking of it.

I just don't know how people can live without even an email address. Most forms you fill out now for various organisations they ask you for it. And it's so easy, don't know where I'd be now trying to organise stuff over the phone the hard way, without email.

Bitter Sweet Symphony

Long road

Went to the HIV doctor on Tuesday and got a letter off him for my Superannuation money. He's a top specialist at the hospital so I guess something from him would carry a lot of weight. He wasn't optimistic at all about my chances of getting the money released, but well I do have to try don't I. Got a blood form off him so when I go back for my regular appt week after next the results will be there. He was surprised at how sick I'd been, particularly as I was then on my third lot of antibiotics. I described how bad it had all been in my mouth, throat, and nose, and how I needed stronger antibiotics after the first lot. Said that it was either a very robust virus, or there was something else going on. 

Just waiting for the last letter off my psychologist now. He said he'd send it in the mail last Monday when I saw him, and it still hasn't gotten here yet. Australia Post is just hopeless sometimes. Have emailed him asking if I could pick up a copy at the front desk Monday or Tuesday. Want to try and see the money guru this week as I'm free, and have other appts the following.

Just finished the third lot of antibiotics this morning. I feel fine now, no Slime, no soreness at all. I hope it doesn't come back again. 

Work was fine this week, got through it easily. I did notice though that where my machine is is right under a big air conditioning vent. It gets cold in there sometimes, and my nose was running a bit whilst there. Makes me wonder if that has had something to do with the Slime.

Simon rang briefly night before last. Wasn't expecting it as had said for him not to ring for a while, and was nearly asleep in bed. I explained to him that I wasn't angry or anything, and he was very apologetic about some of the things he'd said previously. But still it was an indication of what's been going through his mind, and I told him there's nothing wrong with that and it's to be expected in situations like this. And that I thought it's probably a good idea to have a break for a while. He said that we can still keep in touch, which is fine. The closeness is gone though.

Chronic illness is a long journey.  

Simon gets sick of it

Simon and I had a discussion on the phone a couple of nights ago. Without going into the details of it, it became clear to me that he was sick of the ongoing illnesses with me, and the way I was absorbed by it all. For example "All you talk about is your health", and other things.

This is nobodies fault. Not mine, not his. It's simply what happens often in relationships when one is chronically ill. I know with my late wife it was hugely difficult for me, and to be honest there where a couple of times I very nearly left her. It was only because I knew she couldn't look after my daughter that I stayed on those two occasions. 

This isn't so much about me being positive and him negative, to me it's about me being sick and him not. 

And I've had quite a rough trot this year haven't I. Sometimes there's the expectation by the partner that things are eventually going to get better, you're going to be healthy and happy. But then it doesn't work that way. Illnesses just keep going on and on, both physical and mental. There will be I guess no end to this. There may be an improvement as health issues are adjusted, but overall these health issues aren't going to go away. 

They're here for the rest of my life. It's only natural that I'll think and talk about them a lot, and only natural that people will get sick of it. Especially when I don't in fact make health or mental improvements at a rate fast enough to satisfy them.

I've told Simon not to ring me for a while, and not to come and stay this time as he was planning. If he's thinking as he spoke to me 2 days ago, it won't do me any good having him here. 

Train wreck

Didn't go to the meal with my other sister and her husband, was too sick. Really nauseous and just felt ill. Rang Debbie and told her and she completely understood. Had a bit of a chat, and it turns out the other sister didn't appear to want me there anyway. It was Debby who asked about me going too. How fucked up is that? Just typical of my family. Glad I didn't go now. Was a bit of a hike too to get there, bus and a train right in peak hour. Didn't feel like it at all. They're flying back to New Zealand today.

Had an interesting meeting at the psychologist yesterday. He's sending the letter for my Super this week. He was saying that after some time I should try and develop interests that I enjoy doing. Of course he's right, but I replied that I was still waiting for the train wreck to end. I think my mood lately is best described as flat. I think calling it depressed is probably a bit strong. Don't find anything exciting. No motivation. At least I've not been thinking of suicide. 

Weight loss

Not a good night last night. Tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. Had diarrhea again in the middle of the night. These anti-biotics just don't agree with me. So glad I don't work today, would have been impossible trying to get up after so little sleep. 

Got on the scales this morning and found I'd lost about 3 kilos (a bit over six pounds). Haven't been monitoring my weight lately so I was a bit surprised. Must be all the nausea associated with the anti-biotics I've been taking over the last 6-7 weeks. Have dropped from 68 to 65 kilos. It's hard to make yourself eat if you feel sick.

Picking up the letter from my GP this afternoon for my Superannuation thing. Then seeing psychologist after that. Going out tonight for the meal with my older sister over from New Zealand. Not particularly looking forward to it as we have so little in common. Just felt it would've been rude to not go. 

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

Funniest thing I've seen in a long long time

 

Delusions of grandier

Had a bit of an annoying time of it yesterday at the doctors. As I couldn't see my one again as he was booked out, again, they put me in with another one at the centre. I explained to this one that my doctor had made an agreement with the centre that he would bulk bill me (see me for the Medicare schedule fee only of about $35 I think, instead of $75). It's a bit unusual as although I'm on a low wage now, it's not quite low enough to get a health care card, which would make it automatic that I'd pay nothing. Hence given the low amount of money I get after paying private rent, my doctor has had to make a special arrangement for me. 

I didn't think this was going to be a problem, as it's an agreement with the centre management. And all I needed yesterday was a doctors certificate for work, all of about a 5 minute visit. When I went I said to this other doctor that I was getting bulk billed by mine, "if that's OK". He then huffs looking at the computer screen, and said "Well it's not really", and lectures me about letting him know this before I see him. WTF? I said I did try to see my doctor but he was booked out, and they put me in to see him instead. He says that that's an arrangement between me and my doctor, and not him. Sheesh, what an asshole. 

I mean fuck, am I supposed to worship the ground he walks on or some shit? Feel honoured to be breathing the same rarefied air as him? He's just a fuckin GP. Who the fuck does he think he is, whinging about making only $35 in 5 minutes instead of $75? To me that $40 gap is a lot of money. In fact I even told my own GP that if I couldn't be bulk billed then I'd have to find another GP who would. Don't want to do that though it would be such a hassle. 

So this doctor asked me what I worked at, told him, and also that my hours had been cut to 3 days because of illness and I was only getting just over $500 a week now. He apologised about his tone earlier after that, so I guess that was something.

Will be making sure I don't ever see that doctor again. I don't deserve to be treated like that. 

Sickie

Daughter took a lovely picture of the cat with her iphone and gave it to me.

It's in the little sun room next to my bedroom. I like the way the light is in it. 

Haven't had a very pleasant time of it lately. Gone into a bit of depression and don't like the feeling of that. Simon though is coming to rescue me again. How nice. Think he's quite concerned about how I've been and wants to come and "sort me out". That sounds exciting. Nothing like being sorted out. Being as I'm not able these days to organise my way out of a wet paper bag, it's probably a good idea. Perhaps he's got some money saving tips for the impending apocalypse.

Sick today, had to stay home from work. Going to get a doctors cert later this afternoon. This is the first sickie though since those 2 days in August before I started the 3 day week. I've even got enough sick pay to almost cover it, *faints* Apart from the antibiotics making me tired as hell, I tend to get diarrhea from them off and on too. And I was feeling low when I woke up, just couldn't face the day. 

The nose Slime is reducing a lot, but it's not gone. Can't seem to get rid of this, has been going on now since those 2 sick days in August: a month and a half ago. Either my body is really struggling with it, or it's a particularly stubborn bug. Or both. Glad I've got that earlier appt with the HIV doc on Tuesday. Although I'm double booked and there wont be a lot of time (it's only to go in and discuss the letter for my Superannuation money he needs to write for me) I may ask him to get some blood taken for tests and the results will be there for my regular appt later this month. 

Am very worried about this bout of sickness. Six weeks is a long time to go being sick like this. I do understand the logic in not starting medication when my CD4 count is so high, but at the same time I'm finding it very hard living with this level of illness. Think I'll be telling him that I'm very much leaning towards the idea of medication now. Particularly with the next 2 months or so going through the stress of the apocalypse, I don't want to have to be worried about what that stress might be doing to the HIV viral load.

Sister Debby rang couple of nights ago. Asking if I wanted to see my other Bible bashing sister from New Zealand. Her and her husband will be in Sydney for a few days and it would just be a meal out with them, Debbie and her husband, and me. Maybe my daughter too if she wants to go. And both their daughters. In Newtown, not too far from here. Have decided to go. Also have decided not to create a scene of any kind if the conversation gets, um, annoying. 

Also, and I'll let Debby know, I don't want to disclose my status to them. I told Debby a while back I was positive, but my other sister is having enough trouble dealing with the fact that I like men, let alone telling her I have HIV. Fuck, she'd probably need an emergency valium or some shit. Get out the cross and start preaching. Lately I've found disclosure is getting easier and easier, but not in this case. Not even going to go there. It'd end up going right around all the family, relo's, friends, back in New Zealand, without me being there to explain anything.

Back on antibiotics

The Slime is back. Went to the doc yesterday about the my Super money, and asked for a script in case I needed it re the Slime. Woke up this morning from work after a difficult night of breathing, with a nose full. This is now the third lot of antibiotics for it. Just not getting better.

The visit yesterday to the doc was depressing. Have been teary for the last couple of days. It's the worst at night, alone. Simon has told me he's coming in a couple of weeks. Am really looking forward to him being here.

Got an appt with the HIV doc at the hospital, again for another letter re the Superannuation money. He's double booked me on Tues next week.

It's all such an ordeal this. I don't think I'm dealing with it particularly well, not just at the moment anyway. I see the psychologist Monday, a normal appt already made. He will also be doing a letter.

Have always been able to pay my way, until now..... 

Nausea

A bit better today, and no great worries with the Slime. Had a nice dinner last night of rump steak. Maybe something decent to eat was what was needed, as I don't feel as nauseous today either.

Eating properly has been a bit of a problem last few weeks. The antibiotics play havoc with your insides, as they get rid of the so called good germs in your stomach as well. Should have thought of that before, is probably the reason I've been feeling sick lately. Hope I don't have to take any more any time soon. I guess will try to eat better and get the stomach working better again.

Same old story though, it's hard to eat when you feel sick. It's not just a little bit of nausea either that I've been feeling, but full on almost dry retching at times. Haven't got to the point of actually vomiting thankfully, but certainly not far off it. And bad indigestion at times too. Not good all this, needless to say. Body needs all the nutrients it can get. And it's horrible going around feeling so sick all the time.

3 years

Beginning of October now, and we're getting cold winds and rain. Normally that would be depressing, but the Spring rains are a bit different. Something about bringing new life and all, somehow gives the rain an added freshness. 

Long weekend here, Labour Day on Monday. Not that it affects me as I have 4 days off every week. They've started daylight saving and this morning had to remember to put the clocks forward. It's amazing all this automated stuff now. The bedroom was the only place with a clock that I had to adjust it. Everything else did it itself. Even the TV thing did it itself. 

Being October too makes it 3 years since being infected. Dunno the exact date, but it would have been Oct sometime. It was Nov that I had the sero-conversion, quite bad it was, sick for a month and lost 5 kilos. Was diagnosed in March the following year.

Feeling ill again today, nauseous. Don't feel much like eating. I guess will go and get something appetizing. Have felt sick like this for days now. Woke up this morning too and it looks like the Yellow Slime Disease might be making a come back. It's not bad, yet, but there was still more than yesterday. Will let my doctor know Tuesday and see if I need to go back on antibiotics again. I'm not chancing another episode like last time, that was sooo bad. 

I think I'm holding up OK re the stress of this money thing, so far anyway. GP I'm seeing Tuesday replied to the email I sent, thanking me for the info. Will make it a lot easier than explaining everything when I get there. Psychologist will have all week to write something so I'd expect he'd have it ready for my next appt Monday week. Will be interesting to see what he writes, as the last one he did for me (court last year) I was a bit stunned at how fucked up I was after reading it. 

Another day of fun

Am feeling quite unwell today, in every way. Nauseous, headache, and fuckin depressed again. Didn't get up until a bit after midday; one of those days again that I didn't want to start. Just lying in bed there in the dark room. The curtains are thick so even when the morning sun shines on them it's still dark inside. Cat was a bit miffed about the delay in being feed, but after a while slept on the bed with me. She usually wants to get outside in the day, but was happy to just hang around with me through the morning in the gloom. Took some Panadol (the magic elixir) for the headache and it didn't go away, so took two more after only an hour. That worked and I slept a bit from them. 

At least I didn't have any dreams last night. Had a terrible one the other night, full on nightmare it was. Dreamed that my religious sister in New Zealand was going around telling people that HIV was preventable and that it was my fault I got it. I was so upset in the dream, remember crying and angry, in the dream. Was it my fault I was self destructive when I got it? Was it my fault everything that happened to make me that way, happened? Those times I took a break from it all, spent a day or two taking drugs and in another world away from everything, I was for a bit actually feeling happy. It was a needed break from the pain and despair I was facing every day. Had I not had those breaks away from reality, where might I be now? Who knows, I may have not survived the ordeal without that space.

I remembered a while back Simon pointed out that taking antibiotics made him feel depressed. I wonder if it's the same with me? He didn't give any reason why they do that to him, just a while back when he was taking some he said he was feeling down from them, and did so every time he had to take them.

The Yellow Slime Disease is at bay. Still a bit in the mornings though. Am hoping it doesn't get worse again like last time I stopped the antibiotics. Am seeing my GP next Tuesday so by then I'd assume that I'd have a better idea of what was happening with the Slime. 

Am seeing him about getting a letter for the early release of my Superannuation funds. Seeing the psychologist Monday week. Have emailed them both about it. I also will have to get a letter from my HIV doctor at the hospital, but haven't been able to contact him as yet as the email I sent to the nurse came back that she was on leave until Tues. Suppose I could ring the secretary there. Have an appt end of the month but think that might be a bit long to wait. The application can't go forward unless I have all these letters.