Trying to stay above the pain

Had a bit of an episode last night. Understandable given the time of year. Couldn't stop crying for about 20 minutes. Wasn't anything like it used to be, perhaps more of a release than a return to the pain. Wife died just after Mothers Day. This year Mothers Day falls on the exact date she died. Fate can be cruel sometimes. It's like rubbing salt into the wound. Last night for a bit it seemed that no time had passed at all since her death, and I was right back their alone with her as she passed away.

So the pain is still there; that which combined various events over years and became the monster I was facing. All that has changed is the degree at which I can separate myself from it. I guess I'm looking at long term with happy pills and counseling. It's sobering to know just how near that monster is, even after all the efforts over the last 12 months. Certainly I'm far from being independent as I used to be, and will likely need support for years to come. Such I guess was the extent of the mental collapse.

Those words from U2 are particularly meaningful at times like this:

And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight...

(see this post)

Well, enough of that. I'm off to the pub for a few beers :)

Will never forget

Internet stuffed last couple of days. Upgraded connection, and ended up on phone to call centre in India for hours to fix some fuck up. Third person finally got it going. Net speed now at 13mbps. Plan cheaper too.

Been sick for a few days. Got a sore throat thing from work. Supervisor came in coughing their guts up all over the place in the air conditioning. Made me incredibly tired. Dunno how the fuck I got through work on Tues. Like a fuckin walking zombie. Pissed me off, the person knows I'm positive then comes to work like that.

Getting close to the dreaded date; anniversary of late wife's death. Been a while now, but you never forget. Caring for someone and being there with them to the very end. There are no words......

It is something though that seems to be understood in the gay community here. HIV was not always so easily managed. In the past many died. Many of them in relationships with people who loved them.

It's about Life, not Death

Death, and the prospect of it, has been a very involved part of my life for about 4 years now. Long before even the HIV diagnosis. Most of last year I wanted death, just to stop the emotional pain. That emotional pain being so bad as to become almost a spiritual pain.

Hurt upon hurt, pain upon pain, crisis upon crisis, trauma upon trauma, overload upon overload...

Eventually everything rolled into one. All the hurt, all the pain, all the crisis, all the trauma, all the overload....

It all nearly killed me. I very nearly did it. How the fuck I hung on I dunno. Am no fuckin hero, just someone dealing with my shit.

All that pain, all those emotions involved, it's all still there. The only thing keeping me away from it is the meds and the help. Occasionally I end up visiting that very dark and traumatic place in my head. By accident. Such occasions see me in a crying mess in the foetal position for quite some time. At those times it seems there is no escape, and I'm at the mercy of this god forsaken nightmare. One that wrenches at my heart and soul, that hurts beyond any physical pain. A nightmare that sees me broken. Again and again.

Today my thoughts were about all of this.

I value life, not death. 

I want to survive, I really do want to go on, even despite all this adversary. I just want a way to get through it all.

"Life is Good"

It just came out in a text message reply. "Life is good". As soon as I wrote it I did a double take. "WTF?" I thought.

I mean life for me has been for many years full of shit. I guess the shit factor has dissipated somewhat of late.....very of late. Am about to embark on a court case with the police, have someone I love living about a bloody 1,000 k's from me, in debt up to my eyeballs, have mild Post Traumatic Stress from my life up to this point, and on and on.

Yet I came out with "Life is Good". And I meant it when I texted it too. WTF?

Seems I've always been rather resilient. Perhaps the fact of me falling completely to bits last year is more a measure of the intensity of the life problems I was facing, than my innate ability to deal with those problems.

Certainly I feel no guilt at my collapse. Was simply overwhelmed. Unable to deal with it all.

So glad society here gave my head a break. So glad work has stuck by me through all of this (been there for over 10 years now) and those involved cared about me as a person and not just a cog in the machine. They didn't have to do that, likely would have got away with firing me with Human Resources dept. But they stuck by me and today I still have a fuckin job.

So glad there were people around who cared, and were able to get into my head to help.

Life is short. We're all going to face sickness and death at some point. No one is immune from that. Rich or poor, we're all going to die. It is the great leveller. This physical word of possessions means nothing then.

Success doesn't lie in what you've bought for yourself in this life. It lies instead in the human relationships you make along the way.

Encouraging day at work

The fatigue seems to be abating somewhat. Yesterday at work was one of the best days I've had in a while. No pain at all, apart from the odd ache in the ribs. Knee was fine (well, until after work). Was tired end of day but not mind numbingly exhausted like I have been. Energy levels actually normal. Only took 3 painkillers the whole day too. Even my throat was nearly better after a month or so of painful ulcers and redness. Actually felt like I was capable again at the job, instead of worrying how much longer before I couldn't go on with it.

It's very physically demanding. Usually lift 3 or 4 tonnes of paper a day. Work on a guillotine in printing. Took a couple of pics with the phone as it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't been involved in printing. This is the machine, a paper guillotine, and yes I cut a stack of 1,000 sheets at a time as is ready to go there:

Here's some been cut (4 out to A4 size):

And I change the knife once a week. Here's the blunt one just taken out with the sharp one ready to put in behind it. Both heavy, and even the blunt ones are as sharp as a razor blade:

I guess it does take time to get over all the injuries I've sustained of late, and particularly hard when in a job so demanding of your body. Couple that with HIV and it's no wonder my body has been well and truly stuffed last few months. Am no spring chicken either at nearly 50. I started the year wanting to be much better at work attendance, but alas things just haven't happened that way.

Encouraging though yesterday. Almost forgotten what it was like to be without pain and able bodied.

Medication Malfunction

Oops, it finally happened. I stuffed up on the happy pills. No biggie I'd guess as it was only one day. Took an old prescription to the chemist and one box was only half strength of the pills I take. Didn't notice until this morning when taking more. Yesterday I'd only taken half the amount! A very big drop. Then today as I took what I was supposed to I ended up quite off my face. Dizzy, hot, weak, etc. Went home from work, was honest about it all, said it was my fault. Of all the pills those are the ones that shouldn't be stuffed up. Oh well, I survived.

Acceptance

It's getting easier. Easier to live with who I am now. 

Although I am a bit disappointed about the latest development. It appears I may actually be going sane again! I suppose that means I may soon no longer be able to identify myself as nuts any more. Being nuts does have it's advantages as you can get away with a lot more. Less responsibility to behave normally, whatever that is. Although it is a an overall very unpleasant experience I guess. It just isn't nice trying to get through life with a damaged head.

But I accepted it. Came to the conclusion that there wasn't anything immediate that could be done about it and I'd just have to live with it. I was who I was now. So what, I was slightly loopy, at least I was able to see the funny side of it. It'd be a boring life if we were all normal. Automatons going through life in a bleak state of boringness. Given what I'd been through it was probably lucky I had much of a head left at all.

And being HIV+. It is now part of who I am. It's much easier now to tell people my status if I feel they should know. It's just me, that's all. I have an illness. So what? That's life. Life with HIV.

The most wonderful evening!

The day started horribly. Well if you have HIV it did.

Monday crisis at work. Get up at 6am, start at 7:30am, find myself trying to cope with drama beyond even my ability as a drama queen to deal with by 8am. Job fucked up in Print; numbers overprinted on cheques some bizarre thing been done to them by Printer guy who numbered them, leaving us in Print Finishing all in a dithering mess trying to work out "WTF?" Customer rep having a crisis in the midst of it all on the shop floor. Paper really heavy, much work at the best of times, but having to go faster in said crisis. Knee and ribs hurting by lunchtime from it all. Tired as fuck, defeated pretty much. Considered cancelling all after work stuff and just going home to bed at that stage. Sore and tired.

Managed to get to psychologist for monthly appointment after work. A really big effort. Had a couple of beers on the way which helped perk me up a bit, along with painkillers. The meeting was extremely positive. This is the guy who was instrumental in saving my life last year, who was there for me when few other professionals were, and has seen the depths I was in then. End of session he said I was "doing really well". That meant a lot coming from him.

Encouraged I went to the group after nearby at the Positive Living Centre. It was so very very good to see the two there in charge. They both gave me a hug saying hello. I took part in the group for half of it but went home; being concerned about my fatigue next day. Felt so much at home there. The group was a good number with much conversation. We all find relevance in the conversations in such a setting.

Feeling very encouraged tonight. If for no other reason that I made it to both meetings. But more so that I seem to be winning. Well you have to win at something don't you HIV+? Um, just winning at finding value in life, and enjoying quite a bit of life.

No matter what this disease does to me, no matter how much it may hurt me (if at all) in the future, I'm glad that at least by getting it I've found help and very very good friends. It has made life so very livabe, when it perhaps could have been simply torment.

Pills, fatigue, and immunity.

Quiet Sunday. Busy day tomorrow. Have the monthly appointment with psychologist, and will likely go to the monthly support group for the HIV newly doomed shortly after that. Was taking a break from it as felt it was restricting me in going forward; sort of like living permanently in mental cotton wool. But by chance it's on the same day as psychologist and nearby this time, so don't see why not. At the Positive Living Centre, very good people there (link at right).

Will be a very long day though, starting at 6am getting up for work, and ending there at 9pm. A bit worried about coping with it all at the moment as the fatigue has been so bad of late. Think a lot of it's been to do with the extra pills I've had to take recently; strong painkillers, anti-inflammatorys, and just lately anti-biotics for my mouth. Very sore and red, ulcers, one of them been there for 3 weeks. With having to heal broken bones and all, I'm assuming my immune system is having trouble with keeping up with normal things like mouth germs. And I guess not being tired. The pills themselves though can have quite an effect of drowsiness.

Speaking of, I'm up to ten pills a day right now. Fuckin hell! And I'm not even taking anti HIV meds yet! And that doesn't include painkillers! So some days I've be up to 15 or so! Take 7 in the morning, a couple of times have looked at one or two and not remembered if I'd taken them or not. I do need to be careful. The happy pills would have a very extreme effect if I doubled up on those, the dose being so high. Even now every morning I feel sort of stoned from them between about 8:30 and 11am.

Speaking of the broken bones and the police assault, the police have decided in all their wisdom that instead of having an internal enquiry (as directed by the Ombudsman's office) they will leave the accusations of assault to be dealt with in court; they claim they have the option to do this as I was charged with offensive language and resisting arrest. Unbelievable! No wonder they charged me! They're trying to absolve themselves of all responsibility by doing so! No worries though, my very good solicitor is champing at the bit to have a go at that police bitch. He'll fuckin hang her. IMO this will be worse for them.

I have still been calm last days. Have gone from being obsessed with the assault to not letting it bother me, whatever happens happens. This is of course because of the recent the visitor..... Human interaction is a wonderful thing, especially when it involves what that did.

Welcome to the Machine

I was astonished to find this on You Tube. The original animation from Pink Floyd's "Wish You Were Here" album, the song "Welcome to the Machine" released in 1975:



They were way ahead of their time. Would have been interesting to see what they might have come up for a video of that song if they had been using today's technology.

The song itself has perhaps more validity today than it did back then. It's about the way humanity is sucked into the meaningless of a world that programs them simply to consume; that happiness in fact lies in the acquisition of things devoid of humanity and it's ideas. Success in life being measured by getting said acquisitions; that success being without the ongoing conversation of human ideals. The ideals embraced in fact being no more than what is preached by the capitalist world of consumerism. Such a life is without meaning and entirely lacking in human substance.

Of course those of us who have been near death, or who have a very realistic perception of our mortality, know that there is much more to life than this. It is in fact about human relationships, how we treat people, and love.

In some ways I wonder if those of us with HIV, or those who have experienced other life threatening things,  are more apt to find fulfilment in life that way . Sometimes it's feels like being surrounded by brain dead drones living in today's society. 

Got to get something out of this bloody disease I suppose.

Walk on.

Been on my mind all day:

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight...

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home...hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home...I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

Peaceful. Calm.

It was the closest we have been yet. The few days he spent here seemed to pass in a flash. We made love, and held each other close through the nights. Asleep for hours embracing. It was intense and beautiful. He's left now for the country, until next time. We're both going to miss each other terribly. It's like we both need to be with each other. My being positive doesn't seem to matter.

Those few days helped so much. After all the shit of late, all the drama and shock, I feel now calm and at peace. He made me feel safe, and able to rise above the pain and horribleness that often so haunts me. Perhaps I'm starting to fly. . . .  The emotions and love moving me to a better place, a higher place.

It was such a strange place to meet, in a cubicle FFS! You go to those places because the last thing you want is love or a relationship. You want a fuck, simple as that. And we did. Many people may think it sort backwards, but if I'd simply meet him in a pub and chatted, likely we'd never have seen each other again. But to fuck first up as complete strangers, gave the opportunity to experience that closeness first up. It's why we kept in contact afterwards.

Sex is such a big part of life and relationships. It's a vehicle of expression, a way to share each others soul, a catalyst for sharing each others deepest feelings. A way to find each other in those realms, to care and to give to each other. A way to let someone in past all the barriers and to show your innermost self. It's a thing of sheer beauty, beyond what a few simple words such as this can express.

There is a depth to sex that many may not experience, for whatever reason. But to not search your limits or to fear trying, to worry what others may consider as wrong, is surely to limit the experience itself. And in doing so limit the closeness that may be achieved. Such closeness and love is beyond words if encountered. A chance meeting in a cubicle can lead to something wonderful.

I'm glad I held on. Glad I kept going, putting one foot in front of the other, one breath after the other, as at times that was the only thing I could do to get through the days and weeks. Sometimes hours and minutes. The tide has bought in something beautiful.

Making Love

Sex can be thought of sometimes simply as a physical act. The people seem to be just going through the motions. They reach climax, but without any real intimacy.

But then there are those times that it's much much more than that. Yes the movements are the same, but there exists almost some invisible force, a connection between two people that they both share. The sex act itself becoming simply a symptom and expression of that closeness. 

And then there are other times. Very very rare times, when the two of you seem to almost be transported to another place, the closeness and love so strong as to overwhelm you both. If you meet in one lifetime someone with which you experience such love, your very lucky.

To meet two is extraordinary.

A Very Special Visitor.

My love from the country :) The older man :) The one who really cares :)

We met by chance in a sex on premises venue. We were attracted to each other by what happened in the cubicle intensely. It seemed this was way more than just the quick fuck, but rather an early expression of the way we felt for each other. I doubtfully exchanged details after as FFS nobody bothers contacting after that. The fuck usually happens when both parties are entirely off their face and unlikely to even remember the fuck, let alone the contact thing.

By chance also however we both appeared to be in a state rather able to remember. Not only the experience, but also the fact that we had exchanged details. The experience itself was profound. There are really few times when you get together with a random guy in a cubicle on a Sat night where such feelings happen. And even rarer afterwards to care about seeing him ever again. Personally I exchanged details at his request, thinking that I'd fuckin love to have him again, but that it was never going to bloody happen! Us guys in that scene all know what I'm talking about!

3 days later I sent him a casual text. He replied, and wanted to keep contact. "Meh" I thought, "whatever". "Heard it all before darling". However he kept replying. WTF?? (I thought).

He was still in Sydney for a few days, and I invited him to my place for those. It was like we'd known each other for years.

He came down a couple months later for a week. It was the most intense sex. The most intense relationship. I didn't want a relationship, and I still seem to be trying to avoid that word!

There are very few times in life you meet someone like that. My wife and I fell in love from the first. To feel a similar thing now with him is...... well I reckon just more than anyone deserves in one life.....

I appears we have both fallen in love with each other.

He's coming to Sydney tomorrow. I'll be meeting him at a gay bar in the city after his journey here. I'm fearful I may be a bit boring or something with my presently busted up body, and the esteem that gone out the window with that. Like a fuckin teenager FFS. Doubting myself and hoping.

But beyond that really I'm being stupid. All I have to do is be myself with him, as that's the person he loves.

Scary. Never thought would feel anything like this again. What he sees in me I dunno. Just glad he does. It's been so very long since someone cared for me like that.

He's HIV negative.

Cops fuck me in the head.

2nd day back full duties. Way easier to get up today. Cat woke me a bit early meowing for attention on the other side of the bed. Think though without that would've woken anyway with alarm and not in the entirely catatonic state as yesterday morning (yes that lasted all fuckin day!).

I do hope I get used to this again. It's been three broken bones this year already (including knee thing). Fucks sake can I get a fuckin break? SHIT! bloody wrong word there!.

Am increasingly dismayed by the consequences of the police bashing. Dismayed by another episode of memory loss, another episode of confusion and doubt, another of fear and horror of the capabilities of my pain to injure me.

I despise the cops for doing this do me. If any one doesn't deserve more pain dished out to them by the ignorant and the stupid, it's me.

I'm still learning to fly.....

Think I have a way to go.

Today the first day back at work full duties after the cops attacked. I was utterly exhausted at the end of it. Exhausted beyond fuckin words. Almost in a catatonic state. I did however survive it, and that means I'll likely survive tomorrow too. Does that mean I'm able to work for another nearly 20 years? No. It's all I can do right now to turn up.

It's the fatigue, and it wouldn't matter if the job wasn't even physical, I'm just so very very tired all the time. I appear to need at least 10 hours a night sleep, and often more. Spend the day at work yawning, and forcing myself to go on. Oh how wonderful if might be to spend the day sleeping! Probably not though, I mean that's what junkies do!

Saw solicitor this afternoon after work. I'm pleading not guilty as advised. That will make the police have to provide us with all their evidence (a "brief") including the CCTV footage that they might have. It was pointed out to me that by the wording on the "fact" sheet they aren't actually claiming they have it. *fuck me*!

He told me to "stop stressing".

A Quiet Easter

Been a very quiet Easter. Just at home and a daily wander to the local pub for a few beers and a chat with whoever. Sleeping around 10 hours a night. Throat and sore mouth getting better. It's been a very stressful 2 weeks prior.

Have decided for sure the memory loss on the night the cops beat me up was caused by emotional trauma. On the fact sheet they write that I became "extremely emotional" when asked about my family. I have no doubt that in such a predicament, questions such as this triggered said emotional episode.

I suppose it's something I just have to live with for now at least. A bit scary to have it happen though, as it shows the intensity of the emotional pain that's still there. All I've really done is be able to live apart from that pain of late, but the pain hasn't gone at all. A trigger can shove me into it it seems. And there I am again, back in that nightmare place I was months ago. Thankfully today there are other ways to escape it available that weren't there a year ago.

In a way I'm really glad of the memory loss as it seems like my mind is protecting itself/me from what I went through then emotionally. It must have been bloody bad to do that. I don't want to remember it to be honest.

Learning to Fly

It's one year since my mental collapse started.

It was Easter Friday. The last thing I remember before the episode began is walking back from the pub after only 4 beers. Don't remember getting home, and just a few brief memories between about 3pm and 11pm. Very sketchy. Vaguely recall walking around the house just not being able to stop crying.

The consensus afterwards by the brainologists was that the memory loss was either caused by "dissociation", or by the emotional experience itself being so intense and severe as to become a traumatic event, thereby having a similar effect on the memory as other traumas (such as car accidents for example) where people lose memory of the incident. I'm still not sure which one of these it was, or if it was some of each. They both make sense. This explains very well how dissociation is a defence of the mind:

According to Cameron (1963), one of the main strivings of the human psychodynamic system is to maintain organisation and avoid disintegration. Defences are those mental and behavioural activities that protect the system from threats to this organisation such as overwhelming, conflicting and intolerable emotions. Simply stated, the purpose of a defence is to protect the individual by helping them avoid or manage these threats (McWilliams, 1994)
http://74.125.153.132/search?q=cache:d2CMd9t6W4QJ:arts.monash.edu.au/behaviour/dissociation/whatisdiss.pdf+Psychiatry+dissociation+definition&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=au

Whatever the case, it was after that that suicide became a very real option for me. To lose 8 hours or so from emotional trauma, gave quite an insight to the strength of what I was up against.

I can't even describe what the emotional pain was like back then. After years of major traumatic life events it had all come to a head. And my head apparently broke! I entered a world far apart from others. Beyond even what some professionals could understand. Constantly reliving events from the past. Reliving the pain. To cry was the worst thing to happen as it didn't help, all it did was throw me into the pain and make me feel it again. There was no bottom to it. A crying episode would simply access this pain, and I may spend an hour as waves of it hit me, unable to stop it. Pain beyond tears, that came from deep within. Almost like some kind of primordial scream inside. Pain beyond words. Pain very few in this life have ever experienced. This was the pain that I experienced that day.

All I wanted was for the pain to stop. To be free of it. There seemed no escape. Trapped in a terrible nightmare. It was beyond me to live with such a level of pain as this. I happily thought of suicide as the only escape. There seemed no other options. I am here today only because I got help by people who actually understood where I was at, and was given alternatives to suicide that helped me to separate myself from that pain. I don't think anyone really wants to kill themselves if they have a choice like that, but without those alternatives the pain leaves you with no choice. It is impossible for someone to live hurting like that for any great length of time.

Needless to say, there was no magic wand. Progress was slow and difficult. At times one step forward and two back. There were people however who went beyond the call and were there for me. I continued feeling very suicidal for 6 months or so, and it was the end of the year before I felt like things weren't still toppling over in my head.

But I survived. Got to the end of the year. It was a rough journey, but the year ended with hope. Perhaps one day I can fly again.....

Disclosure has bought us together

Daughter stopped by the pub yesterday and we had a couple of drinks together. She has absorbed the information wonderfully, and well over the initial shock.

By telling her of my status we have been bought together in a very strong way. She understands the info is very sensitive and that by me sharing it with her am letting her into a very personal part of my world. That I trust her to handle the information responsibly.

It's been a long time coming. For months I've not wanted her to know because of doubts about that trust.

A Full Plate

Daughter much better today, although hung over. Said it was a bit of a shock, but understands now it's not as bad as first sounds. There's very little accurate information about HIV in the wider community. It's all scare scare scare. Even in the gay community I'm surprised at some of the blatant misinformation around. When divulging my status to someone immersed in that fear, there's the expectation of a negative response and then having to play teacher for a while.

The friendship is over between x-flatmate and I. I told him it was time to call it quits. Just had enough of the drama of it all. Just couldn't get through his head why I didn't want his asshole fuck offsider round here, or anything more to do with him at all. To find he sneaks him here behind my back, texting me to make sure I'm not here, was the last straw. He hasn't apologised, instead went on the offensive like he'd done nothing wrong: lied and tried to press my guilt buttons. That was it for me.

Sad really. It was a great ride. Um, ... literally! The sex was always great. But in other ways too. He was never dull. Honestly didn't expect to be treated like that by him in the end. Thought more of him than that. Told him his stuff is safe here and he can get it over time.

Seeing my solicitor Tuesday after work. The fact sheet given to me by the cops was ridiculous. I've never seen one so short on bloody facts! He's going to have a field day with this one. They have no witnesses, neither police or civilians. They have the video footage from the bus which is great as now I can see it. That's actually all they've got. Nothing mentioned about broken ribs, bruising, concrete grazing.

I have substantial memory loss of the incident. I'd say associated with my mental state and that it was a period of extreme emotional stress.

I'm getting a visitor for a few days, coming next weekend. The bloke from the country is coming to stay. Last time he was here was hugely intense. We've both missed each other terribly in the time apart. Been in contact all the time. Never thought would miss him that much.

Told daughter am HIV+

Great emotional dramas today. I can however tonight only deal with one.

I told my daughter tonight that I had HIV.

We are both upset. She thinks I'm going to die, and I'm sorry I hurt her.

Fuck.

And she was angry I hadn't told her sooner.

Fuck.

Am telling myself it will improve from here. It can't get much worse.

I guess will give her space and try to contact her tomorrow. She was supposed to stop by to say hello. I hope she still does.

Hoping she doesn't judge me, as young adults often do.

To be continued...