It's about Life, not Death

Death, and the prospect of it, has been a very involved part of my life for about 4 years now. Long before even the HIV diagnosis. Most of last year I wanted death, just to stop the emotional pain. That emotional pain being so bad as to become almost a spiritual pain.

Hurt upon hurt, pain upon pain, crisis upon crisis, trauma upon trauma, overload upon overload...

Eventually everything rolled into one. All the hurt, all the pain, all the crisis, all the trauma, all the overload....

It all nearly killed me. I very nearly did it. How the fuck I hung on I dunno. Am no fuckin hero, just someone dealing with my shit.

All that pain, all those emotions involved, it's all still there. The only thing keeping me away from it is the meds and the help. Occasionally I end up visiting that very dark and traumatic place in my head. By accident. Such occasions see me in a crying mess in the foetal position for quite some time. At those times it seems there is no escape, and I'm at the mercy of this god forsaken nightmare. One that wrenches at my heart and soul, that hurts beyond any physical pain. A nightmare that sees me broken. Again and again.

Today my thoughts were about all of this.

I value life, not death. 

I want to survive, I really do want to go on, even despite all this adversary. I just want a way to get through it all.