Moving on

Ended up feeling pretty down yesterday afternoon. I know it was going to happen sooner or later, but it's still been a challenge to end whatever it was that Simon and I had. Kept thinking about all the times he'd helped me and that, especially being there for me last year for a month when I come out of hospital. I suppose it's normal to feel those things after it's over, and I'm thankful at least that although it's sadness it's not in the same vein as other things that have happened in the past with me. This is about dealing with what in the end was just inevitable. I did try, we both did. 

But what do you do when they come out with some of the shit that he did? Particularly the almost brain dead "You should be feeling happy now" comments that he said more than once. Or other things saying "you should......"  Or even the way he thought I'd be better off without taking happy pills, and that I just needed a "tonic", whatever that is. It was obvious he had no idea about my depression/PTSD. Or what's involved with HIV as well. One time in Sydney went round to the house he was looking after to stay the night, then realised I'd left pills at home and had to go back for them. It was pouring rain so he said he'd drive me, but he made such a thing about it. Like I was being stupid to think I needed them anyway, and "pills, pills, pills, bla bla." He made me feel so bad about that, and I wasn't even on HIV meds. Had no idea.

And you know, something I didn't find out until after I'd known him for some time, he hadn't even come out to his adult children. I wasn't even on the radar with them. And I noticed too when we were out and about in the Lightning Ridge megalopolis, he didn't want me to do anything that would indicate he was gay; like not even a kiss goodbye when I was getting on the bus to go. Guess that was OK because we both looked at the thing we had as being about sex and closeness in that sense (I mean fuck the sex was great) but not really about sharing our whole lives. Him being closeted around so many people didn't really bother me until the last few months, and I wondered what sort of a future (if at all) there might be for us if we continued like that.

So anyway David's off work for three days and he took me out for a meal and a few beers last night. I was still feeling pretty sad and I think moody as well, but it's much better it seems when he's around. It was a bit strange getting bought a meal, usually I'm the one doing the paying, and in fact I can't even remember the last time I had a meal out. Usually just cook at home. I don't get takeaways at all now, dreadful stuff it is. 

David is a few firsts for me. The first one who's HIV+ like me, first time I've not been working and he has, and the first one who wants a full on relationship. I must say the change is quite refreshing. I asked him last night, that I see this good looking guy and WTF does he want to hang around me for? His answer was that it's about the love that you feel for each other. Pretty good answer I thought, would've been something I'd have said.

Needless to say we're both really surprised at how fast this is all happening, what all of about a week and a half so far. Is a bit scary for both of us. Is early days, but sometimes things can happen like that.

He's been hurt terribly by life as I have. I suggested rather than either of us trying to explain what's happened in the past, maybe we can leave that for later, and for the moment just know that we both can feel and understand how much it hurts. I mean neither of us wants to go through the trauma of telling about some extremely painful experiences. He's actually very good at hiding his pain, he's mastered the mask. My mask has been in pieces since 2009, have told him I get a bit emotional sometimes, he understands that rawness.