Come a long way since 1984

Had another session of the Resilience workshop yesterday, the third of 6. Had a couple of guys sharing their experiences over the years having HIV, one of them being David Polson who wrote his story in an article in the latest Talkabout magazine. Was diagnosed in 1984, a very different time. They were treated like they had the plague back then.

We also had a talk by someone from the Black Dog Institute, who had been struggling with depression for many years. Perhaps it was because she was talking from her own life experience that it was so easy to relate to what she was saying. The Black Dog Institute isn't an HIV organisation and this was the first presentation she'd ever done from there, I imagine she must have been a touch nervous, I dunno if she'd have even known anyone with HIV let alone be in a room with 6 guys with it. Despite all this though the subject matter of depression is universal to all who suffer it, HIV or not, and it was a very informative talk and discussion, she did very well we all thought.

One of the things in particular she was saying was about how much easier it was once she was honest with people about her depression. There can be the assumption or fear that by telling someone about your depression then they're going to think your nuts, or back off from you, or whatever. She however found the opposite, and that she'd never got so much help and support since being honest about her mental condition, and those fears were groundless. I guess there's much more understanding these days in the community generally about depression and it's not viewed the same way as it was years ago. There's a lot of assistance now in health care for people with depression, counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors. The first big step though is to admit the problem and take steps to get help for it, and to know there's nothing shameful or weak about having depression.

That did strike me about not feeling ashamed or weak with having it, and that much of what dealing with depression is about is dealing with the unhelpful guilt that can go with it. Guilt that can exist in my own head even without anybody implying anything. It's very hard to get past that at times, I feel like I've not done well enough or something. It's about accepting who you are, warts and all, and being comfortable about it, not ashamed. Not feeling bad if you spend the whole day doing fuck all because you couldn't be motivated to. OK, well that's me. It was a bad day. Don't blame myself for that. It's not my fault. Will see what tomorrow brings.

One surprising thing was the mentioning about finding things that stimulate your mind that you enjoy doing as that helps with depression. I'd never heard that before. Like reading books, or getting involved in activities that are interesting. Apparently then,  when I get on here blasting the fundies over there hatred of gays that's actually good for my depression :)  How lovely! How therapeutic! 

I also found a correlation with much of what she was saying about feeling scared and anxious about divulging to people her depression illness, and being comfortable in who she was even though she had depression, with HIV. I mentioned this after the talk  and she seemed a bit stunned, obviously hadn't thought of it like that, I mean why would she not being in contact with people with HIV? Perhaps she'd not even considered that someone who had HIV could even be unashamed of it, dunno. But it was a particularly powerful concept for me, that when disclosing my status to people (it gets much easier over time BTW) that I'm feeling OK about having it; accepting who I am. HIV to me is part of who I am now, part of my identity, and why be ashamed of who I am? I've actually never had a bad experience at disclosure yet BTW. Yes people can be shocked at first, but nobody has felt the need to abandon me once they digest the information, quite the opposite. I've never had so much help and assistance from all quarters since finding out I'm HIV+ and being open to people around me of my status. Many people hide their status as much as they can, and if that works for them that's fine. This is what works for me.

I thought of the earlier talk from David Polson who'd been diagnosed in 1984, and some of the horror stories he told about the utter discrimination and hysteria surrounding HIV back then. Back then he said the advice was to tell only a few close people. There must have been such incredible guilt inferred by that. Things have changed so much since then. Society has become more educated, the treatments save your life and let you live almost normally now. Much effort has been made by various groups to reduce the stigma and ignorant hate of people who have it. So today I can tell people I have it with no shame, no guilt, and be accepting and comfortable with who I am. HIV being a part of that. We've come such a long long way since 1984.