Psychologist visit

Two months was a bit long between visits to the psychologist I think. Seemed like it'd been longer than that when I finally got there. Suppose time does drag when you're feeling like shit all the time. 

It all went pretty much as expected. I'd not talked very much about feeling guilty to anyone much at all, the conversation with him therefore being very helpful. It occurred to me during the course of the hour that perhaps carrying around such guilt had been a contributing factor into why I've been so bloody depressed the last couple of months. 

Sometimes I don't even realise I might be carrying guilt, it's almost some kind of subliminal or underlying thing going on in the background. In such a situation it can take some time to actually realise WTF is going on and identify said guilt. Not all guilt is bad of course (I think it's called a conscience!) but some guilt is. Blaming myself for how I'm feeling isn't at all helpful. 

Thinking that I'm doing something wrong to be feeling depressed, that I should be trying something different to snap me out of it, that it's my fault being like this. Feeling bad about feeling bad. Then you feel worse. It all feeds off itself. It's a big step in a circumstance like that to identify those feelings as not only bad to feel, but actually based on false assumptions.

Is it my fault that so many shitty things happened to me that I ended with clinical depression and PTS? Is it my fault those conditions have a life of their own independent from life events? Is it my fault that I still feel down when things are going good? Is it my fault that I've been on 300mg a day of Efexor since 2009? The assumption that the head can make is that it is, especially when you have someone inferring to you that it is. To impose such guilt on someone who's struggling as I am is really unfair.

The psychologist picked up on that I felt a touch better after learning about the "should" statements in the BGF workshop. It appears that, yes, needless guilt has in fact played a role in my struggle with depression in the last two months. Surprising to me, as with all the counselling and psychological intervention I've had over the years, am annoyed with myself that I didn't pick up on it sooner.

Took a couple of pictures at Taylor Square. Have been meaning to take a picture of this building for a few weeks, have just never had the camera with me. But far out, psycho-fuckin-delic man. It takes a bit of getting used to this one, although with the Spring greenery and hanging plants it's actually not so bad. 

Apart from the colours, it must have taken a lot of talent to paint it like that. Imagine how hard it would've been to get all those lines even thickness's and straight like that, all the proportions the same. Quite a thing really.