Understanding Robin Williams suicide death

Although it's the festive season, such festivities can often mean the reverse for some. The expectation to be happy, to think of family, can simply highlight the depression and sadness one is going through. The holiday season therefore can be a particularly difficult time even though everyone is well wishing.

I've been struggling with suicide since the mental collapse in 2009. In that year my best friend killed herself, my daughter took me to court, and I was diagnosed with HIV all in the course of a about a month. Not long after that I had some kind of a mental break where I couldn't remember an entire half day; the diagnosis was that it was likely the emotional pain I was feeling was so bad that it became a traumatic event (like a car crash or something) and hence the memory loss. Following that day I went into an intense 6 month struggle with the pain monster and the instinct to survive. It was only through support services that I survived those months. Things have never been the same since. The struggle continues to today.

At times I talk about the struggle with the odd friend. At times I'm surprised at the complete ignorance surrounding the subject. Recently a friend said it was "a coward's way out", and an act of selfishness, not considering the effects the death would have on the loved one's left behind. Being as I've had such a long experience with suicidal thoughts and in some cases attempts, I know from my own experience this just isn't the case.

I spoke about this to my psychologist the other day, saying how it just wasn't like that. He laughed about the "coward" thing, and I mentioned how when you're like that you just aren't thinking of other people; it's all about the pain and how you can't deal with it or stop it. The pain monster overtakes you. Nobody wants to kill themselves or hurt the one's they love, but at the same time if the pain is too much to deal with then to end your life can appear to be the only way to stop it. In such cases, overcoming the instinct to survive is hardly "cowardly". 

How many people for example can imagine (as I myself have done in the past) such a thing as a "hesitation wound"? Death by a knife at one's own hand isn't as simple as it sounds. You don't just sit there, chop, then it's all over. I found out long after the event what a hesitation wound is:

Hesitation, or tentative, wounds are defined either as: any cut or wound that is self-inflicted after a decision is made not to commit suicide, or any tentative cut or wound that is made before the final cut that causes death. Such wounds are usually superficial, sharp, forced skin cuts found on the body of victims. These less severe cutting marks are often caused by attempts to build up courage before attempting the final, fatal wound. Non-fatal, shallow hesitation wounds can also accompany the deeper, sometimes fatal incisions. Although hesitation cuts are not always present in cases of suicide, they are typical of suicidal injuries. However, the presence of hesitation marks alongside or near to the final fatal mark usually indicates a forensic diagnosis of suicide over other possible causes of death.

Hesitation wounds are generally straight-line marks at the elbows, neck/throat, and wrists, although in a few cases they occur in the general area of the upper middle part of the abdomen (near the heart). Wounds made by people attempting suicide are typically made at an angle related to the hand that holds the weapon. The angle of such hesitation wounds is usually in a downward flowing direction because of the natural motion of the arm as it sweeps across the body. Hesitation wounds are often made under clothing, with particular parts of the clothing being parted to expose the target area of the body, a common feature seen by forensic experts examining suicidal wounds. Instruments used to inflict hesitation wounds are generally those found around the living quarters of the person attempting suicide. Such instruments include kitchen knives, single-edge and double-edge knifes, pocket knives, hatchets, razor blades, screwdrivers, and other sharp objects. People who have previously attempted suicide, but have not succeeded in their endeavor, will often carry visible scars from hesitation wounds. more

So in light of this I was so moved by the understanding shown in this piece about Robin Williams. I had tears reading some of it. The depth of knowledge involved is heartwarming, to know that there are people who understand. You have to have such knowledge to relate to people struggling with suicide. To not understand is to contribute to that person's feelings of alienation and pain. Getting angry at them after a failed attempt or accusing them of being a coward is incredibly unhelpful to them.     

But I felt compelled to write this article because like any mental illness-related accident or death, there by the grace of God go I. And it’s not only in poor taste to deride a man who by all accounts, was going though severe depression at the time of his death, it’s also just plain wrong. Suicide isn’t “giving up” or “giving in.” Suicide is a terrible decision made by someone whose pain is so great that they can no longer hold it, and feel they have no other option in life but to end it. It’s a decision you can’t take back, and a decision that will affect your friends and family forever. It is not taken lightly.

Losing a person to suicide may feel like a waste. And I think it’s fair to react to it that way, especially in the first hard days of grief. For someone looking in, it does seem like a waste—especially in the case of Williams, who was a brilliantly funny man and a talented actor. But imagine, if you will, feeling so desperate, so desolate, so incredibly sad and hurt that you honestly cannot see a way out. The feelings leading to suicide are the darkest a human mind can fathom. It’s like being shut into a dark tunnel with no point of light to guide your way. You can hear voices on the outside, but the walls are too thick to get in. And feeling like it’s closing in, like there’s no way out—well, suicide, for that person, is a blessed release. Life, however, is never wasted. Williams did things in his life that touched people to their core. It is a sad, sad loss, but it is not a waste.

Suicide is not a weak decision. It is a decision that takes an incredible amount of strength to make, actually. Someone isn’t weak if they end their life. They are desperate. There is a difference. It’s okay to feel angry at the person for dying. It’s okay to question, to rail against the forces that caused this. But it isn’t weakness. Mental illness isn’t weakness. It’s a disease, a pervasive, sometimes awful disease. The person doesn’t deserve anger and skepticism forever. They deserve compassion. Their family deserves compassion. more  

Goodbye Robin Williams.....