Chronic illness

Rang the second bank today to tell them of financial doomed-ness. They were even better than the first bank that I saw the other day. I got put through to their "Hardship Line" and had me fill out an application over the phone to get all payments stopped for 3 months. They took a few basic financial details from me regarding my situation, and said it would take about 3 weeks for the application to go through. Gave me the direct number to them to ring if I'd not heard from them in that time.

Told them it apparently takes 2 or 3 months to go through the whole application process with my Superannuation and I'd have a more definite idea of what was happening once I'd gotten the results of that application. They even said at the bank that I could apply to have the stay of payments extended after the 3 months was up if I wished. 

The person on the phone was very pleasant and caring, most unlike a bank. I had no idea that banks even had these sort of options available for people like me, who basically find themselves in financial doomed-ness through no fault of their own. I explained it was because of illness that I was no longer able to work full time, particularly as the work was very physical. That it was the only way left to still keep working but diffuse the ongoing tension and stress between management and I over time off. And that it wasn't a straight forward thing to apply to increase my hours again as I'd also need to see their doctor to do so, and I don't feel like I could work full time presently anyway. So the banks should anyway, they make bloody bazillions here.

It made me realise more just how much HIV and the complications from it have limited my work options now. Likely it'd be different if my job wasn't as physically taxing as it is, but it is. As with the thing that's happened with Simon lately, this is another reminder. I'm now chronically ill. 

Being as I looked after my dying wife for many years, I have a very good knowledge just what's involved with chronic illness. I'm certainly nothing like she was though at the moment, so much so that rarely people would even know that there's anything wrong with me. But at the same time there are things involved with chronic illness that you can't escape, no matter how healthy you are.

Things like knowing that you're never going to get better for example. Or that (even if not now) you will have to rely on taking pills at the same time every day for the rest of your life, to survive. Or that other illness's you get can affect you more severely than they otherwise would. That you now have physical limitations that you otherwise wouldn't. And a big one; that you end up constantly worrying about your health. 

Finally a good nights sleep

Daughter gave me a couple more pictures of the cat:

Was talking to someone about puss yesterday, how we've both become very attached to her. She's so good to have around. Funny sometimes too. Right now there's a fly in the house and she's going bananas trying to get it.

Slept really well last night. Dreamed a bit, but not like those horrible bad dreams I sometimes have and wake up feeling terrible. Didn't get up until 9, and went to bed early last night too. Think those 3 days at work use a lot of energy. Opened the window and a nice breeze coming in. Cat sits on it's stand thing looking intently at birds outside and I sit in the chair there next to it. It used to be a balcony there but it's been enclosed off and is like a little sun room now. Very small, but nice to have there, next to my bedroom.

Might go to Target today. Noticed I had some reward points on my credit card and got two debit cards of $25 each. Dunno what to get with only $50. Maybe just some new T-shirts for summer. Or shorts. Not very imaginative I know. 

The Superannuation thing is stalled for the moment. The $ guru read through the letters and said they need to say something more; that reducing stress is an acceptable form of medical treatment, or such like that. The legislation is very specific, and the letters apparently have to be worded in a very specific way according to that legislation, or the application won't succeed. And the gov dept that the application goes to gets audited to make sure they're acting within the legislation. 

I said to the guru that it was probably better he communicate directly with my doctors as to what's the best thing to write, rather than me trying to relate all this as a middle man. So he's now started emailing them himself and will ring me when he has the letters adjusted. Then it will be time to actually fill out the application form itself. Fuck I can't believe how long and involved this all is. Better to do it right though, as he says you only get one shot at this. 

Imagine not having HIV

It was another full on week at work. Well, three days I mean. I think I'm getting right back to fitness with the job now, although I still can't imagine doing it for 5 days again. Cut 7 pallets yesterday, which seems to be about the amount with the particular jobs I was doing. My back usually starts aching a bit about lunch time and sometimes I might take a couple of Panadol, and by the end of the day am feeling pretty exhausted. 

The psychologist rescheduled for this Monday. I will have to go this time I think. Want to discuss the latest happenings with Simon. I'm still not angry or anything like that, but am feeling a bit hurt by it all. I'd like to send a quick text saying hi, but then I think he's probably sick of hearing about all my shit.

The Renal clinic rang the other day and rescheduled my appt for about a month away. I didn't think they'd be so concerned about me missing the last one. They even sent me a letter with a new appt card and the new date on it. Will have to go after all that effort by them. I'm sure they'll understand though that people get sick of going, and it's only to monitor the results anyway. But still, I suppose the kidneys aren't really something to be too casual about. The new appt isn't until 9:30, which is a lot better than the last one at 8:15. 

Have been thinking lately how much HIV has become a part of my life now. I tried to imagine what it would be like to not have HIV, and I honestly couldn't do it. So much has it absorbed into every corner of my world. It has some sort of effect on me daily, even if it's only psychological. I'd like to forget about it sometimes, but I can't seem to. It's there all the time. Never goes away.

A strange disclosure

Still in sort of shock at yesterdays HIV blood results. Just can't believe it at all, but I guess numbers don't lie. A 740 CD4 count is great if you're on medication. But to not be on any HIV medication at all and have a result like that is for me beyond comprehension. I dunno WTF is going on, other than I'm eating blueberries. There is no other possible thing that may be involved, apart from possibly extremely good genetics? This is what my HIV doctor told me yesterday; that it was my genetics. 

I very much doubt that. I'm going on my experience in the past without meds, and the CD4 count never got over 590; the highest reading. Now with eating blueberries I've had two results in the 600's, and this last one in the 700's. Blueberries darlings, frozen or fresh. Give them a try. If they do nothing else they're good for a snack that settles your stomach.

Had quite the bizarre disclosure today. It was at the bank. I went in there to give them the story that I was in financial dire straights and that I needed some sort of stay on my repayments for about 3 months. The plan being that I was investigating my options and was seeing if I could access my Superannuation to pay my debts. 

It turns out my Mastercard of about 10,000 debt I think, has insurance on it. I need to ring the insurance people to see if they can do anything for me with that. The personal loan they will cancel the auto payments on it as I said I can't pay it and need the money to live. This is all in view of me sorting things out with my Super. In fact I need to exhaust that Super option first before the bank will give me any help at all under "financial hardship". I didn't even know the bank would do that. I just thought they were waiting there with a cat-o-nine-tails if you missed paying the slightest cent. Plus I've been with this bank for nearly 30 years now, I suppose a bit of help after all my loyalty to them over the decades isn't too far out there.

So anyway near the end of the conversation, they ask me why (after keeping all my accounts in good order over many years) it was in fact now that I couldn't pay. I paused, wondering at exactly what to say.

I said it was because of illness, and I'd been reduced to only 3 days work a week.

They asked if the illness was short term, and if so when it might end.

I said "No it's long term. I'm HIV positive".

Long pause. I wait for the shock to sink in.

Ooookkkaaayyyy.... Followed by incredible geniality. 

In the end a very reasonable result from the bank, and it's excellent to know I have actually more options if I exhaust the Super payment thing and get knocked back with it. The lady there wished me good luck for the future as I left.

I wasn't planning on this disclosure. But in the end it was necessary to relate to the bank exactly my predicament.

There's another bank I have an 8,000 gold visa with that I can't pay even the minimum payment, even though it's zero interest. Looks like they're next. You know I hate to say it, but realistically divulging your HIV status sometimes really helps.

Latest HIV blood results

CD4 740. Viral load about 4,000.

I'm pretty shocked by those results. A CD4 I'd only accomplished previously when on medication. And the viral load has gone way down from 17,000. I just dunno what to think now. The Yellow Slime Disease must have been by the looks a particularly virulent infection. 

Got all the usual other STD tests today. 

Haka insult

Still pissed off about that Haka thing. Try pepper spraying this you fuckin dumb redneck. This the Haka in the final against France. Wanna argue with them fuckwit?

 

Dumb pigs pepper spray school haka group

WTF?

Police in Utah used pepper spray to disperse a group performing the haka at a high school football match after supporters refused to make way for players leaving the field.

The group had travelled to the small town of Roosevelt, 200km east of Salt Lake City, to support a relative who was playing in the match on Thursday, the Salt Lake Tribune reports.
The team had not won a game the entire season and the group of Polynesian men and boys wanted to perform the traditional Maori war dance to lift their spirits.
But the gesture backfired when police attempted to move the performers on, despite assurances from officials and spectators that everything was fine.

After all the publicity from the world cup, and New Zealand winning it, could these cops really have been so stupid as to not know what it was? Sheesh.....

Feeling a bit better today. Waiting for the real estate people to come around for an inspection of the place. Been here nearly 4 years and this is the first time they've come, dunno why not. Haven't bothered cleaning much as the place is usually OK. As long as you keep up with the dishes and things like that it's no worries. And I'm not cooking Ice or growing dope or anything here, so I don't imagine anyone will have a problem with anything. After that is the guru appt, and an appt with the HIV doctors at the hospital. They should have the results from my blood test 2 weeks ago.

The Yellow Slime Disease is staying at bay for now. Still a bit of a blocked nose in the mornings but nothing drastic. I have a bit of a sore inside my nose from blowing it so much over 2 months, and am putting stuff on that to clear it up. Maybe it was simply a very bad bug I got. Will be interested to see what's going on with my blood results later today.

An easy trip to the dentist yesterday, just gave my teeth a good cleaning and booked me in for 6 months later. The nurse he's had there is leaving soon so she said goodbye and gave me a hug. Didn't realise I'd made such an impression. She thanked me for the chats we'd had, she found them interesting and entertaining. I suppose she'd not know many people, if any, who're HIV+. It's only a small dentist there, one chair with the dentist and his nurse. For the last few months they haven't even had a receptionist and the nurse has been doing all the paperwork. I said "Have a good life" and blurted out "You have to have a sense of humour, otherwise life is shit". I should remind myself of that at times.

Kiwi's win Rugby world cup!

Ended up watching the final between New Zealand and France at the pub. It was celebrations aplenty as the NZ All Blacks defeated the French pussies. A very close game with only one point in it, NZ won 8-7. The French tried their hardest, throwing everything at the Kiwis, but our defence was too good. Today all Kiwis everywhere are basking in the glory of being the Rugby Union world champions!

I had a bad night after all that excitement. Night full of bad dreams. Woke up in the morning and didn't want to go anywhere. My Renal Clinic appt was an early one at 8:15 this morning, but I decided not to go. I'll ring then maybe next week and see if they want me to come in again soon. It's been 3 months since the last appt and the results are fine now. Just am sick of going to it. Also emailed the psychologist as had an appt with him at 10am, and didn't want to go. Didn't feel like leaving the house at all. 

Got a dentist appt this afternoon, just for cleaning. Have put that off about 3 times now so I suppose I better go. It's just down the road, no biggie.

Starting to feel a little bit better as the day goes on. I dunno what it is about these dreams that seems to put me in such a bad way in the mornings. Can't even remember what they are, just the mood that's settled on me in the mornings. 

A visit from the monster

It hasn't happened in ages. I don't even know what I was crying about. Just started crying last night and couldn't stop. It went on for about half an hour. By the end of it I was short of breath and feeling really anxious. Simply the fact that it was happening at all was a worry in itself. 

The pain monster is of course an old acquaintance. It used to come around about every day, and sometimes the periods of crying lasted for much longer than half an hour. Today the monster has been fairly dormant and it hasn't been by in quite some time. So yesterday was a concern. I'd hoped those episodes were past. 

I suppose I could look at it more positively. At least it's only the first visit for a while, and only a short one at that.  And perhaps the release of emotions is a good thing sometimes. Even if it is a gut wrenching release.

Feeling drained today emotionally. An episode like that takes a lot out of you. 

Freaking out man

What a busy time it was at work this week. Absolutely full on. 

Having a very quiet one today. A bit hung over, a few too many beers at the pub last night. 

Not looking forward to Monday and Tuesday as there's so much to do those days. I guess I shouldn't worry about it and just go one day at a time. Otherwise I end up freaking out a bit. Think it's that brain injury thing again. When there's so much to do and accomplish I can get overwhelmed and fearful about it all being so much, if that makes any sense at all. 

Just been texted to go for a beer. Gonna get something for dinner at the supermarket and a couple of beers across the road at the pub. Think a hair of the dog would be in order.  

The grind

It has been a tough couple of days at work. It's weeks like these that I'm very glad to be going there for only 3 days. It's not so much the workload at present, but that everything seems to be late. Management can't seem to decide what they want first, and keep chopping and changing what they want me to do. At the end of today I was absolutely exhausted, and beside the machine were bits of three jobs, all evidently urgent. There's just no way I could do this for five days anymore.

Stopped at the pub and had 4 beers on the way home. I was almost too fuckin tired to drink them. But after that I felt much different. My body had relaxed, as well as my head. There's certainly something to be said for a bit of alcohol. Even my stomach after a big lunch was hurting a bit, but now is fine. Apart from the head thing, alcohol really helps me when I'm feeling like this. I don't sit there and get blind. Four beers was enough. Doctors often fail to recognise this help it gives you.

Have been good this week with lunches at work. Have bought pre-made salad things from the supermarket, different variety's, and have added stuff to them to make a filling meal for the work lunch. Some chopped cucumber, baby tomatoes, already sliced Salami, and perhaps some salad dressing and bits of cheese goes well with the salads. Today I was so full from it, but it was delicious and much better than the cafeteria food. No indigestion, although today it was so much I felt a bit sore in the stomach afterwards. 

Have started to put the weight back on after losing it from the antibiotics. Have been feeling quite hungry last few days and eating much better. Those antibiotics knock me around so badly.

Got the letter from my psychologist on Tuesday. And yes, I am still really fucked up. It was a good two paragraphs, very well written and descriptive. Read it a couple of times. To me there's no exaggeration. This is a good description of my mental state at present. A bit depressing. Although it's good I guess for the application to my Super fund. Fuck, if this doesn't get the gov to give the OK to release it, then nothing will. 

Gotta make dinner and crash darlings. Only one more day of work this week. 

The end is nigh

I have an appt next week on Tuesday to see the financial guru, and will be presenting him with my letters from the specialists and my GP. Dunno why he has to have me come in and see him, he just said I'd need to when I had all the letters. I suppose to do the application. The wheels of the apocalypse will soon be fully in motion! Oh how joyous! I feel like I'm about to push the doomsday button.

Very busy two days next Monday and Tuesday. Have 6 appts in those two days. Strangely they all appear to be within reasonable time of each other. Don't like all this rushing around though, it does my head in. Am likely to forget something along the way. Taking it very easy this Mon and Tues as have nothing to go to.

Daughter has started working at her new full time job this week. Phew, it was really getting beyond a joke with the money. But at least now she'll be able to pay her way properly. Must be nice to just say "I can't pay rent this week, sorry". I would love to be able to tell that to the real estate in charge of this place. No point in arguing with her about it though, we both just get frustrated and nothing is accomplished. Needless to say I think she got the message well and truly after I told her what the financial guru said that first time I saw him.

Oh yeah, my apocalypse has nothing on this Friday's one. Think I'll have a few drinks at the pub this Friday to celebrate. After all if the world ends then I won't have to face the impending disaster with my $. What a grand way to wipe out my debt. 

Kiwi's into the Rugby World Cup final

Watched the World Cup Semi final Rugby Union last night, between Australia and New Zealand, live from Eden Park in Auckland. Australia hasn't won against NZ on that ground in 24 years. And again last night NZ beat them 20-6. New Zealand are now playing France in the final next weekend. Here's the Haka from last night against the Aussies:

 

Many NZ'er's have a lot of animosity to the French. It goes back to when French agents bombed the Greenpeace Rainbow Warrior in Auckland harbour years ago, an act of terrorism, and killing one of the crew. 

French bastards! We shall avenge them when we hammer their piss weak Rugby team into the dirt next weekend in the final!

Having a quiet Monday and Tuesday this week. No appts at all. Was going to go and pick up the letter from the psychologist but he's emailed me telling he only mailed it on Thursday last week. Don't think I feel like making a special trip to the centre just for that, and have decided just to wait till it arrives here. Sort out something next week at BGF if it gets here too late. Dunno why I'm panicking about it anyway.

Have been thinking of Simon a bit. Feeling a bit down about the whole thing, but well that's just life isn't it. Maybe a bit teary. But then I consider how strong his statements were the other day and know that it's best we have some time apart with little contact. Have gotten used to texting him all the time, and that now I think is the most noticeable thing; not texting.

It's been a terrible time of things this year. I'm glad he was there when he was, and glad we had those times together when I really needed it. And I suppose I'm glad now that we can have the honesty with each other to recognise the true nature of the current situation. Without any blame. No point in clinging to each other in denial. I'm sure we'll get together again sometime in the future, and who knows what that will bring. 

BTW, hold on to your hats this Friday darlings. Apparently the world is going to end again! 

Excitement plus

A quiet day. The sun is out and a break from all the rain we've had recently. Opened the bedroom window to let fresh air through the house. We're near the sea here and there's usually a cool sea breeze in the afternoon. Done a bit of washing and put it on the line to dry. Yes, it's excitement plus here today.

Neighbour came over, had lost his phone and wanted to ring it from mine. He couldn't find it, so thinks he's left it at a friends. Didn't even know his own mobile phone number, so I wrote it for him from my phone. He told me he's bought a hard drive to plug into his new telly. He knows nothing about computers, hasn't even got an email address. One of these people that's scared of getting into it. Dunno why. I mean I'm certainly no guru, it's just easy now to do all this computer stuff. Showed him online, Notebook PC's on sale at Office Works for only $250. Recommended he go buy one. He's thinking of it.

I just don't know how people can live without even an email address. Most forms you fill out now for various organisations they ask you for it. And it's so easy, don't know where I'd be now trying to organise stuff over the phone the hard way, without email.

Bitter Sweet Symphony

Long road

Went to the HIV doctor on Tuesday and got a letter off him for my Superannuation money. He's a top specialist at the hospital so I guess something from him would carry a lot of weight. He wasn't optimistic at all about my chances of getting the money released, but well I do have to try don't I. Got a blood form off him so when I go back for my regular appt week after next the results will be there. He was surprised at how sick I'd been, particularly as I was then on my third lot of antibiotics. I described how bad it had all been in my mouth, throat, and nose, and how I needed stronger antibiotics after the first lot. Said that it was either a very robust virus, or there was something else going on. 

Just waiting for the last letter off my psychologist now. He said he'd send it in the mail last Monday when I saw him, and it still hasn't gotten here yet. Australia Post is just hopeless sometimes. Have emailed him asking if I could pick up a copy at the front desk Monday or Tuesday. Want to try and see the money guru this week as I'm free, and have other appts the following.

Just finished the third lot of antibiotics this morning. I feel fine now, no Slime, no soreness at all. I hope it doesn't come back again. 

Work was fine this week, got through it easily. I did notice though that where my machine is is right under a big air conditioning vent. It gets cold in there sometimes, and my nose was running a bit whilst there. Makes me wonder if that has had something to do with the Slime.

Simon rang briefly night before last. Wasn't expecting it as had said for him not to ring for a while, and was nearly asleep in bed. I explained to him that I wasn't angry or anything, and he was very apologetic about some of the things he'd said previously. But still it was an indication of what's been going through his mind, and I told him there's nothing wrong with that and it's to be expected in situations like this. And that I thought it's probably a good idea to have a break for a while. He said that we can still keep in touch, which is fine. The closeness is gone though.

Chronic illness is a long journey.  

Simon gets sick of it

Simon and I had a discussion on the phone a couple of nights ago. Without going into the details of it, it became clear to me that he was sick of the ongoing illnesses with me, and the way I was absorbed by it all. For example "All you talk about is your health", and other things.

This is nobodies fault. Not mine, not his. It's simply what happens often in relationships when one is chronically ill. I know with my late wife it was hugely difficult for me, and to be honest there where a couple of times I very nearly left her. It was only because I knew she couldn't look after my daughter that I stayed on those two occasions. 

This isn't so much about me being positive and him negative, to me it's about me being sick and him not. 

And I've had quite a rough trot this year haven't I. Sometimes there's the expectation by the partner that things are eventually going to get better, you're going to be healthy and happy. But then it doesn't work that way. Illnesses just keep going on and on, both physical and mental. There will be I guess no end to this. There may be an improvement as health issues are adjusted, but overall these health issues aren't going to go away. 

They're here for the rest of my life. It's only natural that I'll think and talk about them a lot, and only natural that people will get sick of it. Especially when I don't in fact make health or mental improvements at a rate fast enough to satisfy them.

I've told Simon not to ring me for a while, and not to come and stay this time as he was planning. If he's thinking as he spoke to me 2 days ago, it won't do me any good having him here. 

Train wreck

Didn't go to the meal with my other sister and her husband, was too sick. Really nauseous and just felt ill. Rang Debbie and told her and she completely understood. Had a bit of a chat, and it turns out the other sister didn't appear to want me there anyway. It was Debby who asked about me going too. How fucked up is that? Just typical of my family. Glad I didn't go now. Was a bit of a hike too to get there, bus and a train right in peak hour. Didn't feel like it at all. They're flying back to New Zealand today.

Had an interesting meeting at the psychologist yesterday. He's sending the letter for my Super this week. He was saying that after some time I should try and develop interests that I enjoy doing. Of course he's right, but I replied that I was still waiting for the train wreck to end. I think my mood lately is best described as flat. I think calling it depressed is probably a bit strong. Don't find anything exciting. No motivation. At least I've not been thinking of suicide. 

Weight loss

Not a good night last night. Tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. Had diarrhea again in the middle of the night. These anti-biotics just don't agree with me. So glad I don't work today, would have been impossible trying to get up after so little sleep. 

Got on the scales this morning and found I'd lost about 3 kilos (a bit over six pounds). Haven't been monitoring my weight lately so I was a bit surprised. Must be all the nausea associated with the anti-biotics I've been taking over the last 6-7 weeks. Have dropped from 68 to 65 kilos. It's hard to make yourself eat if you feel sick.

Picking up the letter from my GP this afternoon for my Superannuation thing. Then seeing psychologist after that. Going out tonight for the meal with my older sister over from New Zealand. Not particularly looking forward to it as we have so little in common. Just felt it would've been rude to not go. 

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody

Funniest thing I've seen in a long long time

 

Delusions of grandier

Had a bit of an annoying time of it yesterday at the doctors. As I couldn't see my one again as he was booked out, again, they put me in with another one at the centre. I explained to this one that my doctor had made an agreement with the centre that he would bulk bill me (see me for the Medicare schedule fee only of about $35 I think, instead of $75). It's a bit unusual as although I'm on a low wage now, it's not quite low enough to get a health care card, which would make it automatic that I'd pay nothing. Hence given the low amount of money I get after paying private rent, my doctor has had to make a special arrangement for me. 

I didn't think this was going to be a problem, as it's an agreement with the centre management. And all I needed yesterday was a doctors certificate for work, all of about a 5 minute visit. When I went I said to this other doctor that I was getting bulk billed by mine, "if that's OK". He then huffs looking at the computer screen, and said "Well it's not really", and lectures me about letting him know this before I see him. WTF? I said I did try to see my doctor but he was booked out, and they put me in to see him instead. He says that that's an arrangement between me and my doctor, and not him. Sheesh, what an asshole. 

I mean fuck, am I supposed to worship the ground he walks on or some shit? Feel honoured to be breathing the same rarefied air as him? He's just a fuckin GP. Who the fuck does he think he is, whinging about making only $35 in 5 minutes instead of $75? To me that $40 gap is a lot of money. In fact I even told my own GP that if I couldn't be bulk billed then I'd have to find another GP who would. Don't want to do that though it would be such a hassle. 

So this doctor asked me what I worked at, told him, and also that my hours had been cut to 3 days because of illness and I was only getting just over $500 a week now. He apologised about his tone earlier after that, so I guess that was something.

Will be making sure I don't ever see that doctor again. I don't deserve to be treated like that. 

Sickie

Daughter took a lovely picture of the cat with her iphone and gave it to me.

It's in the little sun room next to my bedroom. I like the way the light is in it. 

Haven't had a very pleasant time of it lately. Gone into a bit of depression and don't like the feeling of that. Simon though is coming to rescue me again. How nice. Think he's quite concerned about how I've been and wants to come and "sort me out". That sounds exciting. Nothing like being sorted out. Being as I'm not able these days to organise my way out of a wet paper bag, it's probably a good idea. Perhaps he's got some money saving tips for the impending apocalypse.

Sick today, had to stay home from work. Going to get a doctors cert later this afternoon. This is the first sickie though since those 2 days in August before I started the 3 day week. I've even got enough sick pay to almost cover it, *faints* Apart from the antibiotics making me tired as hell, I tend to get diarrhea from them off and on too. And I was feeling low when I woke up, just couldn't face the day. 

The nose Slime is reducing a lot, but it's not gone. Can't seem to get rid of this, has been going on now since those 2 sick days in August: a month and a half ago. Either my body is really struggling with it, or it's a particularly stubborn bug. Or both. Glad I've got that earlier appt with the HIV doc on Tuesday. Although I'm double booked and there wont be a lot of time (it's only to go in and discuss the letter for my Superannuation money he needs to write for me) I may ask him to get some blood taken for tests and the results will be there for my regular appt later this month. 

Am very worried about this bout of sickness. Six weeks is a long time to go being sick like this. I do understand the logic in not starting medication when my CD4 count is so high, but at the same time I'm finding it very hard living with this level of illness. Think I'll be telling him that I'm very much leaning towards the idea of medication now. Particularly with the next 2 months or so going through the stress of the apocalypse, I don't want to have to be worried about what that stress might be doing to the HIV viral load.

Sister Debby rang couple of nights ago. Asking if I wanted to see my other Bible bashing sister from New Zealand. Her and her husband will be in Sydney for a few days and it would just be a meal out with them, Debbie and her husband, and me. Maybe my daughter too if she wants to go. And both their daughters. In Newtown, not too far from here. Have decided to go. Also have decided not to create a scene of any kind if the conversation gets, um, annoying. 

Also, and I'll let Debby know, I don't want to disclose my status to them. I told Debby a while back I was positive, but my other sister is having enough trouble dealing with the fact that I like men, let alone telling her I have HIV. Fuck, she'd probably need an emergency valium or some shit. Get out the cross and start preaching. Lately I've found disclosure is getting easier and easier, but not in this case. Not even going to go there. It'd end up going right around all the family, relo's, friends, back in New Zealand, without me being there to explain anything.

Back on antibiotics

The Slime is back. Went to the doc yesterday about the my Super money, and asked for a script in case I needed it re the Slime. Woke up this morning from work after a difficult night of breathing, with a nose full. This is now the third lot of antibiotics for it. Just not getting better.

The visit yesterday to the doc was depressing. Have been teary for the last couple of days. It's the worst at night, alone. Simon has told me he's coming in a couple of weeks. Am really looking forward to him being here.

Got an appt with the HIV doc at the hospital, again for another letter re the Superannuation money. He's double booked me on Tues next week.

It's all such an ordeal this. I don't think I'm dealing with it particularly well, not just at the moment anyway. I see the psychologist Monday, a normal appt already made. He will also be doing a letter.

Have always been able to pay my way, until now..... 

Nausea

A bit better today, and no great worries with the Slime. Had a nice dinner last night of rump steak. Maybe something decent to eat was what was needed, as I don't feel as nauseous today either.

Eating properly has been a bit of a problem last few weeks. The antibiotics play havoc with your insides, as they get rid of the so called good germs in your stomach as well. Should have thought of that before, is probably the reason I've been feeling sick lately. Hope I don't have to take any more any time soon. I guess will try to eat better and get the stomach working better again.

Same old story though, it's hard to eat when you feel sick. It's not just a little bit of nausea either that I've been feeling, but full on almost dry retching at times. Haven't got to the point of actually vomiting thankfully, but certainly not far off it. And bad indigestion at times too. Not good all this, needless to say. Body needs all the nutrients it can get. And it's horrible going around feeling so sick all the time.

3 years

Beginning of October now, and we're getting cold winds and rain. Normally that would be depressing, but the Spring rains are a bit different. Something about bringing new life and all, somehow gives the rain an added freshness. 

Long weekend here, Labour Day on Monday. Not that it affects me as I have 4 days off every week. They've started daylight saving and this morning had to remember to put the clocks forward. It's amazing all this automated stuff now. The bedroom was the only place with a clock that I had to adjust it. Everything else did it itself. Even the TV thing did it itself. 

Being October too makes it 3 years since being infected. Dunno the exact date, but it would have been Oct sometime. It was Nov that I had the sero-conversion, quite bad it was, sick for a month and lost 5 kilos. Was diagnosed in March the following year.

Feeling ill again today, nauseous. Don't feel much like eating. I guess will go and get something appetizing. Have felt sick like this for days now. Woke up this morning too and it looks like the Yellow Slime Disease might be making a come back. It's not bad, yet, but there was still more than yesterday. Will let my doctor know Tuesday and see if I need to go back on antibiotics again. I'm not chancing another episode like last time, that was sooo bad. 

I think I'm holding up OK re the stress of this money thing, so far anyway. GP I'm seeing Tuesday replied to the email I sent, thanking me for the info. Will make it a lot easier than explaining everything when I get there. Psychologist will have all week to write something so I'd expect he'd have it ready for my next appt Monday week. Will be interesting to see what he writes, as the last one he did for me (court last year) I was a bit stunned at how fucked up I was after reading it. 

Another day of fun

Am feeling quite unwell today, in every way. Nauseous, headache, and fuckin depressed again. Didn't get up until a bit after midday; one of those days again that I didn't want to start. Just lying in bed there in the dark room. The curtains are thick so even when the morning sun shines on them it's still dark inside. Cat was a bit miffed about the delay in being feed, but after a while slept on the bed with me. She usually wants to get outside in the day, but was happy to just hang around with me through the morning in the gloom. Took some Panadol (the magic elixir) for the headache and it didn't go away, so took two more after only an hour. That worked and I slept a bit from them. 

At least I didn't have any dreams last night. Had a terrible one the other night, full on nightmare it was. Dreamed that my religious sister in New Zealand was going around telling people that HIV was preventable and that it was my fault I got it. I was so upset in the dream, remember crying and angry, in the dream. Was it my fault I was self destructive when I got it? Was it my fault everything that happened to make me that way, happened? Those times I took a break from it all, spent a day or two taking drugs and in another world away from everything, I was for a bit actually feeling happy. It was a needed break from the pain and despair I was facing every day. Had I not had those breaks away from reality, where might I be now? Who knows, I may have not survived the ordeal without that space.

I remembered a while back Simon pointed out that taking antibiotics made him feel depressed. I wonder if it's the same with me? He didn't give any reason why they do that to him, just a while back when he was taking some he said he was feeling down from them, and did so every time he had to take them.

The Yellow Slime Disease is at bay. Still a bit in the mornings though. Am hoping it doesn't get worse again like last time I stopped the antibiotics. Am seeing my GP next Tuesday so by then I'd assume that I'd have a better idea of what was happening with the Slime. 

Am seeing him about getting a letter for the early release of my Superannuation funds. Seeing the psychologist Monday week. Have emailed them both about it. I also will have to get a letter from my HIV doctor at the hospital, but haven't been able to contact him as yet as the email I sent to the nurse came back that she was on leave until Tues. Suppose I could ring the secretary there. Have an appt end of the month but think that might be a bit long to wait. The application can't go forward unless I have all these letters.