Suicide attempt

Saw the psychologist on Monday like I mentioned the other day I was going to. Had rather an episode over the weekend and have been letting the dust settle and figuring out what exactly led to it. Haven't even written about it as think I was in mild shock for about a day afterwards. As I said though it was lucky I had the psychologist appt on Monday morning.

They say that couples argue when the child comes along, which is very true. This wasn't so much an argument though as a lack of communication at exactly what each other was saying. David and I got into a strange conversation about my daughter (she's 22 now) and he wanted her to move out very shortly so we could have the place to ourselves. Well yeah OK we'll get there in the end, was my position. Also that I'm not going to boot her out in some agro way for no reason other than she's living there. She's working on her moving herself anyway, studying still for the child care qualification, as well as working full time. I have to be aware of her situation as well being her father of course.

This led on to an even stranger discussion, where I said "She's my daughter, she's always gonna be my little girl, ...." and such things like that. At which point David said (and these were his exact words) "It's either me or her".... WTF? Really unfair. Um, we'd both had a few beers BTW, the first time out to the pub in about 2 weeks after the poverty episode, and had drunk more than usual on this occasion. Anyway, he wanted to go see our friend round the corner but they'd has a disagreement earlier and I didn't want to be in the middle of that so I went home and he went to our friends.

Then on the way home on the bus my head starts going bananas. I start thinking, and as I'm a bit drunk there didn't seem to be any effective strategy to stop it with me bing like that. Started thinking "Oh he's gay, doesn't understand about the having kids thing and the love that exists between a father and child. It'll be this big obstacle and then I'll end up losing him". And as if to confirm, he rang and we had a short conversation, one in which I finished with "Yes my daughter always comes first". And that was it, like a trigger. The pain from the past engulfed me; the pain of loss and grief all came flooding back. And there I was, again, in that pain and not being able to stop it. I know this now after things being clarified with the psychologist.

When I got home I did completely the wrong thing and drunk the last two beers in the fridge quickly. After that my memory gets quite blurry. Apparently I rang and texted David something about not being able to deal with the pain anymore. It was like I was on auto pilot, like my head went straight to the suicide option as that seemed the only thing that would stop this pain. I remember becoming very determined and proceeded to consider the suicide option again for the first time in many months. Ended up tying myself to a thick curtain railing and jumping, but it wasn't strong enough and the whole lot came down. Don't remember much after that until David got home in a panic about WTF I might be doing. Needless to say he was shocked. It was a serious attempt. I went into shock the next morning.

I'd been so good for so long, and in the space of only 2 or so hours I went from being OK to that. How could this have happened? Said to David, "Oh my psychologist is gonna love this one!" I saw him the next morning to discuss it all.

It was the first time I'd ever heard him sound a touch unprofessional, such was the shock for him too after I told him. "Wwhhaaattt?..." he exclaimed! At which time I related what I'd said to David "Yeah I knew you were gonna love this one". 

We went on to discuss what was involved and what specifically contributed to me endng up like that. Number one of course was too much alcohol. Another (likely because David had been drinking a lot too) was David giving me an impossible choice; either him or my daughter. How could I chose between that? I can't abandon my daughter, so to me it looked like I was going to lose David (well in my beer state head it did anyway). Being as I've had so much loss in my life, there was the trigger.....

Related all this to David when I got home.  Said in a way it was a compliment to him, like "that's how much I love you". He's been reassuring me ever since. Like I said, he was shocked. It was a serious attempt.

Asked the psychologist, am I gonna have to deal with this shit for the rest of my life? Unfortunately the answer is yes, but that it's just who I am now. That doesn't mean I can't enjoy and live life, it just means I'm not exactly firing on all cylinders.